hashrap: (pic#4108467)
[personal profile] hashrap
Happy April, the SOB who put eggs in my mailbox as an April Fools joke has a date with my fist waiting. It'll be real romantic. A date to tell your kids about when you're old and wrinkly, rocking in your rocking chair and they're sitting cross legged on the ground picking grass because nobody actually cares about grandpa's dates.

So, Easter was not long ago, right? Worst holiday ever. All that chocolate everywhere's like a nightmare to the collective figures of everyone on the planet. Last week I had a dream where I was mercilessly crushed to death by the thighs of the masses while walking down the street and I had an idea. A proposition.

How's about y'all let me take that nightmare fuel off your hands. Free of charge, no catch. Save your thighs, save the world. No need to thank me, I'm just a man.
hashrap: (pic#4108484)
[personal profile] hashrap
Yo, what up city fulla superheroes? Since we're all pretty much the best at everything there is to be the best at, how about someone invent something for me. Something totally life-changing and integral to mankind's future ability to function. Here's the scoop:

My dog is, uh. Special? Kinda starting to realize that he thinks the backyard is a giant pentagram and if he steps outside to poop on the lawn Satan is gonna burst out the ground and drag him down into doggy hell. You know, where every meal is salad and the chew toys are made of steel? Yeah.

So, he thinks carpet is there to absorb his dumps and nobody else will let me pay them to pick up the shit for me. And I'm getting real tired of blaming it on the cats? One of them left a mouse head in my bed, à la Godfather-style, so I think they're on to me.

Anyway, who wants to make me a doggy diaper? Don't all raise your hands at once. I'd settle for a poop robot.
hashrap: (pic#5161555)
[personal profile] hashrap
yo so me and my gf are looking for a place to have a romantic evening
with some roses on the table maybe a nice candle
bottle of champagne you know the whole works
hopin to hit third base tonight if you know what i mean gotta make it real special
also hey im back if anyone touched my shit i swear to jesus dick himself im gonna draw a dong on everything you love
hold up someone lend me like 8 bucks for my date gotta make this shit classy
heres a hot pic of me and my gf to persuade you

[ In the attached photo is Dave, intimately cradling a cheeseburger in his arms. That is all. ]
hashrap: (pic#4108489)
[personal profile] hashrap
Whoa, hey, would you look at that date. Dang, that's one fine ass date there; must have some pretty significant event on a date like that. The third of December, rolls right the fuck off your tongue. Shit, what's a dude gotta do to get a significant and important event on a day like that? Gotta be a real elite bro to steal the spotlight on a day like the third of December.

Okay, so it's my birthday. I was gonna keep up the shtick and drop a whole bomb of famous suckers who got the same b-day as this dude right here, but there's a fuckin' lot of them and my eyes glazed over tryin' to check out the list so you don't get none of that shit.

Wait, I take it back, apparently Ozzy Osborne was born today? That's kind of cool, I guess. I mean, he's no Dave Strider. Happy birthday man, sorry it's not gonna be as great as mine.

Anyway, so I got loot to plunder. Peace out.
hashrap: (Default)
[personal profile] hashrap
[ The feed begins abruptly and already in the middle of all the action, almost like an afterthought. The signature reads Dave Strider, but unless he's somehow managed to master invisibility, he's not in the shot; holding the camera, rather. What is in the shot is a toilet--very classy. The toilet, however, is filled with... fireworks?

This is the worst idea anyone has come up with ever.

This is the best idea anyone has come up with ever.

[ Sure. Okay. He lights the fireworks, takes a few steps back, and...

Seems genuinely shocked when the entire thing explodes into a shower of toilet water and porcelain? There are pieces of the bowl stuck in the ceiling, the lid has been shattered and provides a snazzy new texture on top of the floor tiles. When the now lonely looking pipe sticking half out the wall starts spewing water everywhere, he slowly shuts the door and begins a casual stroll out the house that quickly escalates into a full speed run for dear life.

The feed ends with the slamming of the front door and the sound of panting and feet running down the sidewalk.
hashrap: (pic#1175415)
[personal profile] hashrap
If the Hulk and the Thing got down and did the nasty who would be the one to get deep dicked?
hashrap: (Default)
[personal profile] hashrap
Yo, what up. Got a special treat today; gonna do a reading of something I just happened to have hanging around in my room. On behalf of my beloved witch of a sister I'm going to share with all of you her finely tailored writings about gay wizards having sex as a broadcast of her impeccable taste. It also comes in fanfiction flavored.

[ He brandishes a lavender notebook, "Rose" written across it in cursive. ]

Now, let's begin. Might wanna take a seat, grab a bag of chips, crack open a bottle of wine; make a real evening of it.

Alright. Read more... )
hashrap: (pic#3080481)
[personal profile] hashrap
psa jade harleys been exported
glasses dark hair dog ears etc
left a couple of days ago
shed kick my ass if i didnt tell anyone
hashrap: (pic#4108495)
[personal profile] hashrap
Who would've thought that a city full of superheroes and manic headcases would have so much drama. Hey, here's an idea. Let's try and go a month without screwing the pooch next time. Ol' Fido's getting a little tired of our bullshit, too. Or a better idea: pick a game that doesn't involve a metric shitton of death and gratuitous building-slaughter. Strip poker is a personal favorite, but if you want to end the night with a call to 911 anyway, I'd suggest Monopoly.

So hey, someone fill me in. Who actually died this time, was it someone I know and can someone give me five bucks for flowers.

Shit, man, I don't even know why I'm still here. The longer anyone sticks around the shorter their lifespan gets. And that's not even one of those revelatory bullshit "everybody is slowly dying" hipster pics with the text slapped over a photo of a fuzzy duckling, I mean for real. The longer you stick around this shithole the more likely it is that someone's gonna drag you down a dark alley and rip your head off your shoulders. Then he's gonna make a puppet out of it because fuck there were a lot of nutjobs back where I lived but they don't hold a candle made of crazy to anyone here.
aliveandticking: ([sideeyes] yeah about that)
[personal profile] aliveandticking
[ it's a shaky cell phone video, but after a moment it's possible to recognize the club and team sign-up board at the school. Aradia's voice pipes up from behind the camera to explain ]

Hey guys! Me and Dave had a talk with some teachers today, and apparently they think we're not involved enough in school to care, and that's why we're both kind of doing awfully. And I guess it's a human thing to make kids stay for more school, except it's for fun?

"For fun" is what they use to rope you in; truth is they're trying to keep an eye on you so you don't get knocked up or whatever at fifteen. Because we're all looking for a screaming kid to get us a free pass outta math.
what are they signing up for? READ ON... )

[ 0:05 ]

Apr. 12th, 2012 12:29 pm
hashrap: (pic#3080518)
[personal profile] hashrap
[ A sight for sore eyes, welcome to a Myspace-styled vlog post from one (1) Dave Strider, who is currently having one (1) very public, very rambly, surprisingly chill meltdown while wearing what looks like pajamas with a hood that makes him look like a condom. It seems as if he's just walking down the street, absolutely sure of where he's going and not just walking for the sake of walking. ]

So hey you know what I was always itching to cross off my bucket list? Dying. Man, was that ever a blast.

[ oh no he didn't. ]

Hornswaggled like we just stepped out of a bad 50's slang dictionary. Got my fuckin' dame on one arm while we're jammin' to some chap workin' the skins right in the center of the Apple. Playing backseat bingo in the back of a jacked up machine while our chaperone lays on to nod off. Fucking player on the fucking stick, here. Hahaha, slang. Pretty sure skins are drums. That or it's like someone's midlife crisis 'do and hey you can play whatever you want we don't discriminate. You know, whoever we is. Collective guardians of the universe. You're fucking welcome for that.

So we took a mom sedan of a moon the size of J Lo's ass into the middle of nowhere to blow up nothing in particular for a reason nobody's really sure of anymore. Suicide missions, ha ha ha ha. Real fresh. Little does that sucker know things get real legit when you're clad in magical space pajamas.

You know, then you fly outta the sun clad in something snazzy and meet a bunch of aliens. Note to self never unironically use snazzy again or future you will sock you in the teeth. I'll go Rocky on my own shapely white ass, news at eleven call the press. Not like wrinkly aliens all phone home and shit, no, we got the murderspree aliens having a rooftop rumpus with corpses hanging around like it ain't no fuckin' big deal. Hell yeah I want to stand next to a guy who looks like he exploded from the ins-- ...

[ Then he stops dead in the street, takes a couple looks around like he's suddenly realized he doesn't know where the fuck he is and he is totally and completely lost. ]

... Shit.
hashrap: (Default)
[personal profile] hashrap
[Jade and Dave are sitting together, facing the camera. Jade shoots it a smile before speaking.]

So! Um, as a warning, we have filtered this from Gamzee's and Eridan's communicators, but Gamzee has a second one whose number we don't know. So he will be able to see this. But someone has to do something, so I guess we should just get right into it!

[She glances at Dave.]

Who cares if he can see? Not like there’s anything he can do about it. [He pauses, staring into the camera... probably?? It's hard to tell with those shades in the way.]

Point of this is? There’s a juggalo on the loose. He’s completely shithive, out for blood and has been like that for some time while douchebags sit around and do fuck all. We need to get rid of him before he skins anyone else. And he will, because he’s fucking nuts.

[Jade gives Dave a look before continuing.]

A few of us have tried to stop him, but he is just too strong and too fast. And he is.... [She frowns.] I guess Dave put it pretty well! He has killed at least four people that I know of, and has hurt many more than that. And we have been letting this go on for too long! So we are asking for help.

We’re not asking for help, we’re telling you—yeah, you—to get the fuck up before we’re all gutted and mounted on strings as his voodoo playthings.

I guess that is one way of putting it. We can't stop him ourselves. And if no one does, then he is going to keep hurting people.

So, you’ve got two choices here. You can ignore this, let the juggalo run loose and inevitably become one of Jigsaw’s pieces—or, you can stand up from your shitty Ikea chair, say ‘hell no I don’t want to play a game’ and help us.
[identity profile] hardonic.livejournal.com
[the video pops on with two light-haired siblings peering into the camera, one with her back straight and legs crossed and the other slouched back on the couch, hands behind his head.]

I'm tellin' you Rose, it's hells of obvious. We are basically in a massive MMO crossover the likes of FF.net have never seen.

[ she looks massively disinterested, instead, pulling out her communicator while replying, typing something. of course, she's not speaking english but thank goodness for translators! ]

What? How everyone is from some fictional material?

Yeah, basically. So you gotta take this shit to the next step, assume the obvious. Not only are we also pretty much fictional, there are a bunch of mouthbreathing basement dwellers writing this all up in like this bullshit perfect storm of nerdgasms for their own twisted pleasure. Come the fuck on, Lalonde, forecasts are pretty much begging for Warhammer 4000 with a chance of weeafags.

... So we are the current subject to nerd masturbation.

Hot and heavy shit here, Lalonde. You'd better be careful, your wizard slash is coming next.

[ so much line facing. ] Oh.
[identity profile] hardonic.livejournal.com
[locked to John, Jade, and Rose.]

hey unlock the door i forgot my keys


[... oh, hell. while we're at it.]

fuck growing up
im terminating my contract with society when i hit 18
live fast exit flashy
get a shitty b movie made about the teen years of strider directed by one of coppolas spawn
fucking legit
[identity profile] hardonic.livejournal.com
[the feed clicks on to... a roof. somewhere. a roof you may or may not recognize. (hint: mac building roof. holla!)

the camera pans back and forth briefly before studying the very... very... long drop between the building he's on and the building across the street before dave turns it back towards himself.]

So is it just me or is this dump seriously lacking a cadre of ironic rapping roof ninjas? I mean, you guys got the best fucking one here, so yeah, that notwithstanding, but jegus shit, aren't you guys like supposed to be saving shit up here? Well, either that or brooding on an offwhite page with film noir inkgasms all over the fucking place. For christ's sake, at least that would be normal, if cliché.

[dave pauses, then peers over the edge of the roof, then back at the camera.]

I'm dropping shit off here, if you're wondering why a übermensch like me is chillin' stratoslevel. I've got... [swerves the camera around] Eggs, bologna, three quarters, two watermelons, Ballpark franks, rotten tomatoes, strawberry Gushers, and half a pound of Tuna Helper. Ladies and gents... Welcome to Strider's Will It Bounce?. [...] Personally putting my money on the weiners. Always do.
[identity profile] hardonic.livejournal.com
[how do you like audio posts with sudden, rustling noises that turn off with no explanation?]

[how about several of them?]

Egbert, for once could you not be a total fucking dipshit--


--told you. It'll totally work! You just have to let me see it for a secon--

[click. that is a lot of spam, folks.]

You're breaking the-! You're gonna break the shit--

[a sudden, shaky shot of two pairs of shoes, one a dapper shiny black and the other golden yellow. the image wiggles around then cuts off.]

[ it turns back onto video and a girl peering in now, looking rather... unbothered by all of this. two boys peer in on either side of her ]

It seems I am forced to apologize for experimentation on the communicator from our side. Too many cooks in the kitchen.

As it is, we are new to the City and would like any information that you could give us that would help in our stay.

Thank you.


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