handsomejack: (chiseled)
[personal profile] handsomejack
[There's an audible stretch before Handsome Jack speaks up]

Hm. Well. Not going to lie, kiddos. I finally get why you guys keep whining whenever a friend of yours ends up disappearing via Porter. Kinda sucks when loved ones just suddenly disappear, y'know. Especially when you're sleeping right next to 'em.

Slipstream's outta here. Alert the internet.

In other news, Trappy units have been installed by a couple corporations in the City. Look forward to seeing those annoyingly cute little things keeping up with maintenance-- namely the shields I installed months ago.

Personally, it's all small fish now. Community work, really. Big projects are being developed, and I can honestly say... you can save your awe and amazement for later. No need to use it all up in one place.
handsomejack: (brow raise)
[personal profile] handsomejack
Almost the end of February already? What's that thing they say about time flying? It happens when you have fun. Actually happens while your getting rich too, wouldn't you know. Thought things were going to be slow to move, and really in the beginning there it was. I guess when you're a genius and technological badass, fortune just falls on your lap.

Now what should I do with this new found fortune? Continue my freelance work? Finally settle down to one company and build up said corporation to astronomical levels?

Kinda want to check out my options here.

Like I said before-- no reason becoming competition when I can make someone else look good for a while. I mean, I'm always going to be impressive, but that's aside the point.

So. Import populace. You technology fat cats looking to take your company to the next level? Consider me a potential business partner and investor.

We'll talk.

Until then, I think Daddy's earned himself a night out in celebration. Maybe fund some genetic research to make a miniature pocket-sized giraffe or something.

[4]- Video

Dec. 2nd, 2012 10:15 am
handsomejack: (ohhh bummer)
[personal profile] handsomejack
Hello again, City.

So, here's the thing. I'm hanging out here, putting my two cents in on the whole technology business, I'm helping set up defenses-- and not a moment too soon, you guys are jittery as all get out-- and I realize something.

I'm just not helping enough.

As if I'm not clocking in enough hours for you folks, I have started building on my own time. Tinkering around if you will. I had to deviate just a smidge from the original design, but believe me [He laughs a little] you'll be glad I did.

I present to you an off-take of a CL4P-TP unit I used to make back home. Gonna call 'em Trappy.

[A tiny, miniature grey version of this robot appears on screen doing a salute.]

This unit may look like an adorable saluting toaster, and while yes- it can most likely make you toast, butter it, and put cinnamon sugar on top- it's made to perform maintenance, and has basic retrieving functions. Usually it can open doors for you too, buuuut no one needs access to everything these days, right? ANYWAY, it's half the size of the original, but damn does it respond to direction well. Programming genius at its finest.

Functions include:
1) House keeping
2) General repair
3) Basic security... in the fact that if there's an intruder it will slap the crap out of anything that trespasses. You want a more advanced security mode? Come see me.
4) Companionship... to you lonely bastards out there. He's cute and cuddly like a dog, I guess.
5) Just read the manual.

While standing idle it'll...

[And there it goes. Trappy is getting down and funkay]

...probably dance to recharge itself, so don't mind the epileptic-style flailing it tends to do.

[He looks back at it]

Just. Let it finish.

Just be glad it wont try to have a conversation.

[He nods back to screen]

It functions on a basic request, and response program. Of course there are some requests it will refuse, for safety reasons. If you... try to misuse 'em FIRST, you're a dumbass and SECOND, it'll latch onto you and scream until you ask it to beat you out of your misery.

[He laughs] Juuuust kidding. [Pause] Or am I?

Have a fantastic day everyone. [A small nudge to the robot once it stops dancing] Say goodbye, Trappy.

>G o o d b y e , T r a p p y <

Gosh, ain't he just precious.

[3]- Video

Nov. 18th, 2012 07:03 pm
handsomejack: (oh ho)
[personal profile] handsomejack
[On screen, appears Jack. He's looking rather cushy at his workspace, feet on his desk, leaning back in his chair.]

Greetings, City! Handsome Jack here, letting the lot of you know about the next developments coming this week. Main service buildings, and corporations will be the first on the list to have fully operational shields installed-- to withstand those rocky little episodes us Imports are prone to experience. Produced by Stark Tech, designed by yours truly.

You're welcome.

As for this current bloodbath-- Bravo. Not that I really care about the end result of it, but the law enforcement in this place.... really dropping the ball, aren't we?

[2]- Voice

Nov. 4th, 2012 09:53 am
handsomejack: (smug)
[personal profile] handsomejack
GOOD MORNING, CITY.

Handsome Jack here. Y'know. Sitting back. Looking at this fine mess y'all got, and trying to figure out how I, with my many skills and abilities, can pull this all together to something that you can write back to ma and pa about. That's what I'm here for, right? To fix things?

[There's shuffling in the background. A female voice is barely heard.]

Mm... Jack, what are you...?

Oh. You're still here? Now, now. The big man's got work to do, sugar. No interrupting. Shoo.

[He clears his throat] Sorry about that, folks. Where was I? Oh. Right.

So, there are a couple things that I need.

1) A lab. Preferably with a high processor and beast of a computer.
2) Some heavy metal and machinery. After all, I'm a robotic genius. Some service bots to act as a defense as well as clean up crew? Yeah. That'll help. Don't pretend it wont.
3) An assistant. I can handle this on my own, but I need someone that can run my menial little errands. You know. The things I can't be bothered with. Like coffee. I... guess if you know a thing or two about electronics that'd be nice so you know what I'm asking for when it's not coffee.

Now I know what you might be thinking. Who the hell is this guy, demanding things? Well, this guy is what's going to help this City. I have enough money to at least start with the basics, but seeing as how I just got here, anyone with a brain knows that mecha and robotics don't come cheap.

If you're a company that specializes in this kind of stuff already, there's no real need for me to go and compete with you is there? Which is why I'm suggesting investing in a company that already has these facilities. You get money, my name gets thrown on some paper work, and you get the best damn programmer you can possibly ask for.

All you gotta do is, well, give me a place to work, some shares, materials, and a division in your business specializing in my work. Easy? Easy. And really, no skin off your nose. I'm what you call a cash cow. Have my work under your company, and the pay off is going to be flat out ridiculous. Everyone wins.

I'll let y'all get back to me.
handsomejack: (fucking heroic)
[personal profile] handsomejack
[Here he is. A man with two different colored eyes with what looks like a functional moving mask on his face. And yes, its quite handsome. Anyway. He's drenched in blood. And there's laughing. LOTS of laughing. It takes a while for it to subside, but when it does.]

Pheww... haha Oh. Man. Did I need the pickup after all that bullshit that went down. I want to believe that it was just a really fucked up nightmare, but the blood soaking my clothes tell me those bullet holes in my chest were damn real just a few seconds ago.

Gotta admit, I thought my goose was cooked. My own backup fails me, and here you are. In all your mechanical splendor telling me "No worries Jack, we got this."

I could do without the whole "interdimensional" thing.... but yeeeah I'm ALIVE, so I'm not going to complain.... I mean, like.. much anyway. There's the whole riches to ashes thing, which sucks a little bit... but, hey, I needed this small victory after such a devastating blow to my plans, even if it was out of my hands.

I won't let you down, City. [He grins... the kind that you don't know if it's good or bad] You said this place needs a Hero, and well, you got the one to have.

[For a split second, the feed cuts off. He's looking back on the network, and almost immediately the video plays again] Ooookay. Yeah. Wow. You guys have some serious problems. Would someone be a lamb and catch me up on this glorious mess y'all have here? I'll just, uh... wash up. I'll turn this thing off before I do, pinky promise- but yeah. Start talking.

After all, how can I save the day without knowing what I'm saving everyone from?

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