[ sent straight to your communicators from the Jessica Drew comm, it’s clicked onto video and there’s a Johnny Storm lying upside on the couch, with a de-racooned eyes Gwen sitting by him, painting her nails. Jess is holding the communicator and therefore, off camera, and it’s obvious the three of them are in Gwen’s apartment.
aaaanyways, Jess is in the middle of talking (surprise, surprise) when it clicks on. ]
-- So, anyways, they have this team called the Avengers here. And, uh -- Nertz -- [ when she realizes that it’s recording her talking like a buttface. ]
…. Heh. Avengers, anyone?
[ gwen, totally not realizing that jess is recording this: ] Avengers is a way better name than the Ultimates. How full of yourself do you have to be to name your team the Ultimates? It kind of makes sense, though. They’re all a bunch of douchebags.
[ johnny snickers and twists around to look at jess. ]
Are they huge douchebags in every universe though? Like, just say they’re upstanding, helpful citizens or something in another universe.
[ Jess clears her throat and the camera moves upwards, filming............... the ceiling. someone take it out of her hands. ]
I don’t think they’re that bad here? I mean, I didn’t think the Ultimates were that bad.... Captain America seemed like a jerk though...
The least douche-y of them is Iron Man, and that’s saying something. I mean, the guy had a leaked sex tape. And he totally landed on our lawn once, looking for -- [ there’s a pause as she looks up and sees jess recording ] … For directions.
Man that was lame. Doesn’t that suit of his have a GPS or something?
[ the camera starts zooming in on the ceiling because, sure, why not. ]
I know, right? It’s like he’s just floating above the lawn, giving Aunt May a heart attack like... Thank you, good citizens! And I’m just standing there thinking, you’re in a giant, million-dollar suit and you can’t fucking MapQuest where you need to go? You have to come to Queens? He’s the dumbest smart guy ever.
[ aaaand then the camera’s swiveling back to Gwen in the middle of her rant, angry hand gestures caught on camera and all. after a long pause.... Jess clears her throat again and gently... whispers into the mic of the communicator ]
Iron Man, if you heard this, please don’t bust into our apartment and kill us with your repulsor beams. Thanks...
[ and she... slowly cuts the feed ]