Apr. 2nd, 2013 07:17 pm
zazz: (I don't mean to be sleazy)
[personal profile] zazz
[When the camera turns on, Pickles is digging through a drawer. Probably not his own drawer, unless he has a personal drawer full of panties. Which he possibly could, you know the rock n roll types and their weird little fetishes. But he wouldn't be filming it, so it's more than likely not his. He might be tucking some into his arm like he's going to leave with a small pile of them, though, but it may be hard to tell, since he's holding the comm with the hand of the arm he's cramming underwear into, but astute viewers may realise what's up.]

Jeez, how many pair of underwear does somebody even need, two is enough fer-- Oh, uh, hi there, people. People on the internet. Uhhhhh, how can yew tell if someone was, yanno, poofed outta here? Back to deir own world, I mean. [He pulls out a zebra print g-string, gives it a critical look, then adds it to his arm collection, sighing almost sadly.] I think Michiko's gahn, but I dunno fer sure 'coz I was pretty fuckin' shit-faced last night when we were hangin' out--See, I stole some moonshine ahff a hobo, it was like drinkin' a donkey kick to the fuckin' head, heh. But I'm pretty sure she was there then POOF-- [He illustrates this with a toss of some panties, throwing them off screen.] --gahn. She wasn't around when I woke up, and I've been lookin' fer her and--ooh, what's dis?

[From off-screen he produces a pair of plastic feet, severed an inch or so above the ankle, with a rope tying them together. They look like some bizarre, morbid toy, except some people may notice some odd-shaped holes in the soles of the feet. And if that viewer is, by chance, familiar with the anatomy of the fairer sex and the technology that is fleshlight, they will horribly know exactly what those are supposed to be. Pickles, however, is baffled by the holes, until it finally, erroneously dawns on him:]

Oooh, stigmata. Fuckin' brootal, this'll look cool on my wall. Over the TV mebbe. Man, Michiko had such awesome taste. [Sighs again, and frowns pathetically at the comm.] So, is she really gahn?


Mar. 7th, 2013 08:59 pm
zazz: (Build them back up with your bones)
[personal profile] zazz
[When the camera turns on, some people will see a familiar face with a terrible hair do wearing a suspiciously familiar funeral suit. He is pissed, pissed while thumping around what appears to be a kitchen--hopefully his old one--and yanking things out of shelves. For the most part he remembers to keep the comm pointed at himself, but once in awhile the camera and sound goes weird as he uses that hand to . . . open a can?]

Fuck. Yew. Fuck yew! Fuckyew! I've been away fer months here but back home only a few fuckin' seconds?! Can't find Toki and--A SUIT! Yew braught me back in a fuckin' suit again, ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. [He stops with the can opener and just exhales deeply.] It's jest hard, yanno, it's jest, uhhh, yeh . . . [He slowly brings up a glob of something to his mouth. It looks oddly can-shaped and bread-like. In fact, that's exactly what it is. Bread from a can. Months old bread from a can. He chews on it with a sad wistfulness.] . . . it's hard to be Pickles the Drummer reet now, ahll by myself...

[Canned bread crumbs falling sadly all over as he sighs again. But then he gets all fired up once more!]

Fuck this, though, seriously! I'm naht gonna do shit like last time, last time none of yew were any fucking help, so I gahtta do things on my own! So the first order of business: puttin' together a baaand. So which one of yew dildos have always wanted to be in a band? Now's yer fuckin' chance, yew'll never have an opportunity like this again, so--so roll ahn up, stahp being a sad mouth-breathin' loser and join a band and get some pussy fer once, roll ahn up.

Otherwise, the least some of yew can do is bring me some fuckin' booze, everything here is empty already. I dunno what'll go good with this shit, though. [Looks at the hunk of can bread in his hand.] Maybe a dark rum or somethin', I dunno . . . surprise me.


Dec. 10th, 2012 09:49 pm
zazz: (You're a memory with nothing to show)
[personal profile] zazz
[When it comes on, hi, there's Pickles. He appears to be standing in his living room in the MAC (not a very pretty sight, clothes, empty food wrappers and bottles all over, yeah) and he looks much the same except now he's fitted with a cool new bandanna wrapped around his forehead and, oh yeah, a cool new electric guitar. Hard to say which is cooler, they both look so good on him. He clears his throat and as he's talking he is sort of strumming and tuning the guitar, like he's being all casual but he's actually just trying to show off.]

Now, eh, I can get people bein' all skeptical aboot what I say aboot Dethklahk, I mean, if I think back to before we were all big and shit, and someone told me what I was tellin' all of yew, I'd be rollin' my eyes like a total douchebag, too. But then most of yew didn't seem to believe me when I said I could play drums or geetar or that I was even the leader of a super famous band before Dethklahk! Was it 'cause I'm poor here? Am I too poor for yew people to believe I can play the geetar, huh? Only rich people can afford a real guitar and real singing? That's so fuckin' classist, shame on yew! Shame on all of yeeeeew!

[Yeah, pot calling kettle black. That's what Dethklok does best.]

Anyhoo, got me a geetar, as yew can see, and, well, fuck it, jest listen--

[And he easily launches into an old Snakes 'n' Barrels standard from the 80s. He chooses not to sing, just rock out on his new guitar that he is super proud of. Leave the audience wanting more, that's how you do it, make them want to hear him sing, too. Anyone that knows Pickles will probably be shocked that he's actually quite, very, rather good at this, especially considering how idiotic he is and that, like usual, he is probably drunk and/or high on something or other.

He gets really into it, excited to be performing again, and the longer he plays the more frenzied he gets until, at the end, overcome with the spirit of rock, he smashes the guitar on his coffee table. He stares in horror at first, then shouts:]

Wha--fuck! I gambled so hard and lahng fer that money--nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[He falls to his knees over the remains of his lovely, expensive as fuck guitar, burying his face into his hands.]


Nov. 1st, 2012 08:50 pm
zazz: (Then I could barely carry your weight)
[personal profile] zazz
[The camera for once isn't swaying because he somehow managed to set it up properly to film himself without holding the comm. He appears to be standing in a pose of stark disapproval, staring down at the camera, arms akimbo.]

So I gaht a knahk on my door and was so excited, soooo excited, 'coz the dood was holdin' a big ass box. Either it had a geetar in it or, like, a giant snake, yeh? Either one would be fuckin' sweet reet now, a fuckin' geetar or a fuckin' snake pal to talk to and tell my nightmares to, yanno?

But like a kid at Christmas, I sit down all pissin' my pants with excitement only to open it up and discover the, uh, the equivalent of tube socks. A fuckin' box full of fuckin' tube socks. This is what I gaht, this is what I gaht in dat box:

[He holds up a guitar. But why is he bitching about that, isn't that what he wanted? No, because it's an acoustic guitar.]

Dood! Dood whose name I dunno! Yew know who yew are! Dood, I specifically said no acoustic, this is a total dick move! And here I thaught yew were a bro. [Sad frown, but then it quickly goes back to angry.] Guess what, dis is what-- [From off screen again he pulls out a bottle of whiskey, takes a large swig, swallows, holds up the guitar and FOOSH, out of his mouth comes a shot of flames to set the offending piece of shit old timey guitar on fire. He isn't spitting fire like a trick, he's like a goddamn dragon here, and that's cool. He keeps holding it as he continues his disapproving stare at the camera.] --Dis is what I think of yer geetar! . . . OW! motherf-- [That was when the flames reached his hand and he drops the guitar, jostling the comm and turning it off.]


Oct. 14th, 2012 06:55 pm
zazz: (Bye bye)
[personal profile] zazz
[The camera wobbles a lot because, well, he's probably kinda drunk on the cheapest beer he could afford. But despite that he seems like he's functional enough to pass as sober, like most of the time. He looks kind of grumpy, though. All that cheap gas station beer and what few slim jims he put in his belly probably don't help him to be the most cheerful. He has a problem with low blood sugar. Anyway, what we're trying to get at here is, Pickles' handsomely pasty face is on your screen, and he's trying to smirk as charmingly as possible through the Slim Jim induced stomach pains.]

Hey, listen up, doochebags. I see people making posts on here ahll the time askin' fer shit, so I figured I oughta, too. If anyone deserves that oughta it sure as fuck is me, heh. I need stuff, A LAHT of stuff. 'Cause ahll my regular, yanno, everyday stuff is back home and no one's answerin' their fuckin' phones, and I'm gettin' desperate here. I've been in this shirt almost a...a fuckin' month I think, Chreest. [He isn't in his suit and tie anymore, but he's in the collared shirt still, and it looks like it's been through hell, but also looks like he's at least washed it in the tub a couple of times.] That's one day lahnger than acceptable. Sooo here's a list that'll help me get a start here, jest like when I first started out, heh, fuckin' great, reet? 40 years old and hafta start over like a fuckin' 16 year old. Whatever, what I need:

[After that it switches to a text message, which is messily typed because, well, again, probably kind of drunk here, plus he isn't the most keen with computer stuff. But still, it could be worse.]

1. Booze. any kin im nt picky.
2. A guitar. prefurably not a akoustic guitar
3. An amp for the notacoustic guitar
3a A jar
4/ Blow. if you h\ve to ask what tht is than dont bother replying!!!
5. Nail clipprs. shits gettin gross here.



Sep. 20th, 2012 03:46 pm
zazz: (Falling in the front door)
[personal profile] zazz
[He's been in the City a few days, and he still appears to be wearing the expensive suit he showed up in, though now it's all wrinkled and stained from days and nights of wearing it without wash. But for most people this is the first time seeing Pickles, and he seems to be standing in a lamp store, and he looks majorly peeved about something. Something imperative.]

Seriously?? Have none of yew fuckin' mouthbreathers even heard of Dethklahk??!


capeandcowl: (Default)

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