[video]

[smarterthandad]

[There is a blue-eyed child looking at you. She can't be more than three. She is, however, wearing a very grown-up expression of dissatisfaction. And some kind of superhero outfit with a big "6" on the chest.

Ordinarily, Val would be cagier about immediately going public in a strange place, but, well, she has A Problem. When she speaks, it's with fully adult syntax and no hint of a lisp or any other childish speech impediment.]

Hi. I'm Valeria Richards. Assuming no alternate timeline stuff--not a safe assumption, I know, but sometimes you gotta live dangerously--it looks like there are a few people out there who're friends of my parents. You've got a couple of hours to come get me before they [she turns the phone to show a pair of what are presumably social workers, looking simultaneously put-upon and patient] try to stick me in foster care and things get sketchy.

[Anyone who knows Val will know that's more for the prospective foster parents' protection than hers. No one wants her turning some unfortunate family's appliances into her robot escape army.]

...'Bye.

Comments

[aggressiveapathy]

Are you a vampire toddler or something.

[smarterthandad]

[What.]

...No.

[aggressiveapathy]

[Pause as she thinks of alternatives]

Ancient god in a classic ritual gone wrong plot.

[smarterthandad]

My father and grandfather are supergeniuses, and my parents were both exposed to enough cosmic radiation to permanently alter their genetic structure.

[And weirder stuff, but that's private. The story of the Fantastic Four is something everyone knows.]

[aggressiveapathy]

That's boring.

I'd run with the god thing. People give sacrifices.

[smarterthandad]

My brother's the god. [Not even exaggerating.] I'm not sacrificing anything to that idiot.

[aggressiveapathy]

Is he here?

[smarterthandad]

Probably not. By now he'd be yelling "Avengers Assemble!" into the phone or something.

[aggressiveapathy]

So. Be the god. Not like there's anything better to do.

[smarterthandad]

I could create life ex nihilo, or at least ex chemistry lab, but I'm more interested in physics than biology. Besides, gods have a terrible track record. I'm going to be better than that.

[She is dead serious about this.]

[aggressiveapathy]

Mm. Gods and E.T get their own apartments. Nerds go to daycare.

[smarterthandad]

Right. I'll keep that in mind. [No she won't. Save insofar as she has phenomenal memory.]

And you are...?

[aggressiveapathy]

The Raccoon Queen. And tacos. But the porter got racist on that one.

[smarterthandad]

That is a terrible superhero name. It only works for Squirrel Girl because she's Squirrel Girl.

[aggressiveapathy]

I'm not a superhero. Latex is gross. I'm in politics, tiny child.

[smarterthandad]

[Who wears latex? Val can only imagine the sweating.]

Well, it doesn't make you a bad person. [Maybe.]

[aggressiveapathy]

Being bad or good takes effort. I just run bets on the sidelines.

So. Got a new dad or cult yet.

[smarterthandad]

I'm not starting a cult, and I like the Dad I've got.

[aggressiveapathy]

So to the orphanarium with you.

[smarterthandad]

I have this nagging feeling you have no idea what you're talking about.

[aggressiveapathy]

I only take backtalk from full deities.

[smarterthandad]

You can hang up anytime.

[There is just a stunning amount of emotional maturity on display here.]

[aggressiveapathy]

I'm taller. You first.

[Truly they are shining example to others.]

[smarterthandad]

[Val is three and covering for being scared. What's April's excuse?]

Non sequitur.

[aggressiveapathy]

[Nothing. Nothing at all.]

Carpe diem.