crabulous: (talk to the claw)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Guess who is finally back in the City and thankfully cured of the virus! If you guessed "Zoidberg", you'd be correct! Here he is, everyone, your lovable tramp, protesting outside of City Hall with a home made sign that says "MAYOR HUNDRED DOESN'T SUPPORT EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS!" Zoidberg looks incredibly agitated and is marching around in a wide circle.]

Boo, Mayor Hundred! Boo, I say! Your stance on cephalopod marriage rights is bad and you should feel bad! For shame! For utter shame!

And now, to show my disapproval, I will launch a protest in the traditional human manner.

[In an act of defiance, he scuttles over to a small boombox and presses play. This classic tune begins to play, and Zoidberg gently begins to gyrate in time to the music. Several hipster bystanders join in, though they don't seem to realize it's a protest so much as a flash mob.]

I implore you, Mister Mayor! Release my beloved from her captors and allow us to marry! Do so, or I will be forced to perform The Hustle ad nauseam until you at last see the error of your ways!
crabulous: (wheeee!)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Oh look it's that disgusting crab monster! He's in his warehome, sitting on his shabby sofa with various tabloids and other such reading materials strewn about. Beside him is a stack of neatly clipped coupons.]

Hello, friends! It is I, Doctor Zoidberg, bidding you a fond hello on this lovely afternoon! And I come bearing glad tidings, even! So everyone be quiet and listen to me!

[He gently holds up several of the coupons in his claws.]

I found these coupons for free entry into the local aquarium before 4pm on any weekday with the purchase of a three dollar stuffed Orca in the gift shop! [He smiles, truly excited by this.] That's a savings of nearly $12, minus tax! What a deal!

I've managed to collect fifteen of these coupons so far! Now who wants to prove their friendship to me and join me on this wonderful adventure?!

And Bender, don't worry! I've set a coupon aside especially for you! It will be just like our old times together! Our relationship will be rejuvenated and we can be best friends once more! Huzzah!
sorcerersupreme: (.glowing eye)
[personal profile] sorcerersupreme
[The feed clicks on abruptly. The communicator is spinning along with various other pots, pans, shrunken heads, and fancy looking perfume bottles, all around a very cluttered, very interesting looking study. In the background is Dr. Zoidberg, dusting some shelf and looking pretty unaffected. This is just business as usual in Dr. Strange's house, apparently.

And as for Strange himself... The good doctor is swaying animatedly to a beat that has appeared out of no where. He sashays over to Zoidberg and stops abruptly, clapping his friend (?) on the shoulder.]

You remind me of the babe.

[Zoidberg looks completely lost.]What babe?

The babe with the power.

What power?! What?

The power of voodoo. Who do? You do.

Do what?! Remind me of the babe.

[Strange continues swaying, and the Cloak of Levitation abruptly joins them, locking arms (or hems and claws) with Zoidberg and waltzing. There's still magical and completely mundane household objects flying all over the place.]

I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry
What could I do
My baby's love had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

[And Strange catches a shrunken head, holding it in a very Hamlet-esque pose]

What kind of magic spell to use?

Slime or snails or puppy dog tails! [Zoidberg scuttles happily and the Cloak nods its collar in agreement.]

Thunder or lightning
Then baby said

[The shrunken head animates itself for a moment:] Dance magic dance!

[The music swells and everything starts spinning around faster. Zoidberg, Strange and the skull continue chanting "dance magic dance", and the skull starts flying. The last thing captured by the camera is a very nice tea cup with two young men playing leapfrog in china blue color flying at the viewfinder before there's a clinking crash and the feed cuts off entirely.]
crabulous: (screaming)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The camera turns on! It's Zoidberg's warehouse! He is sitting on his secondhand sofa alongside Aziraphale, who is sipping on a lovely cup of tea. Zoidberg has a dour expression on his tentacle-y face. Aziraphale is looking equally concerned.]

Friends and associates! Gather 'round and listen well! It is I, Zoidberg, with a dire warning for us all! I've been using my rowbutt-woman-given powers to investigate some suspicious individuals on the Network and I've successfully identified nineteen Skrulls in our midst! I am prepared to name names! Are you prepared to take action against these impostors?!

[He stands up, pulling a list of names from his lab coat pocket, then he clears his throat.]

Spider-Woman! You are a Skrull! As are you, Hikaru Sulu! Dick Grayson, Nepeta Leijon, and Cassie Holmes, Skrulls all! Goku! Harry Potter! Rachel! Ziggy Stardust! Nymphadora Tonks! Loki! Rapunzel! Lust! All devious shapeshifting aliens! Doctor Doom and Bullseye, too!

[He suddenly looks very somber.]

And two of my dearest companions have been deceiving us all this time! Parker Robbins and Calvin! Oh! How could you break my heart like this?!

[Zoidberg stifles a sob.]

And let it also be known that the one known as Bee-Pug is also a Skrull.

[Aziraphale has looked mildly concerned throughout all of this, and a moment after Zoidberg is done speaking, he appears thoughtful as he momentarily inventories the accused.]

Oh, I'm afraid that is only eighteen...

[A sinister look flashes across Zoidberg's face.]

Oh? Was it, Aziraphale? Was it?!

[He scuttles toward Aziraphale, lunging toward him with his claws in attack-postion-alpha! And suddenly: Aziraphale's arm has been cut clean off! The teacup he was holding flies through the air and there is some horrified hissing and screaming before Zoidberg turns back to the communicator and shuts it off.]

((ooc: Black is Zoidberg, blue is Aziraphale.))
crabulous: (my best friend bender)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The feed begins in Zoidberg's warehome. He is busily stacking several crates labeled 'Emergency Alien Invasion Supplies, property of Bender B. Rodriguez! Claws off, Dr. Lameberg' into tidy rows, humming cheerfully as he does.]

Bender, you want I should put the pistols over here next to the whiskey?

[The answer comes from off camera:]

No, no, no! I want it arranged alphabetically, from smallest to largest in descending order. Pay attention!

[Zoidberg drops the boxes, looking slightly panicked.]

Yes, Bender! Whatever you say, Bender! Please don't strike me again, Bender! [pause] There's still so much to do ahead of the alien invasion! I wonder if the others have begun the necessary preparations.

Well, if they haven't then I guess I'll be the only sentient being left on Earth. [He takes a moment to consider this]

[Zoidberg looks rather excited by this for a moment! Then suddenly, he gasps!]

But then all of our friends and associates will be doomed!

[Gasp!] But who will give me attention then?

I could still give you attention, Bender!

Shut the hell up Zoidberg, I'm pondering!

Perhaps if we were to share our extensive knowledge on the subject…?

Hmm... How much do you think they would pay me?

Probably several dollars! Maybe even more!

Maybe I could publish a book! And appear on TV! They might even make me a statue, for saving Earth!

Then you would truly be the hero the rowbutt woman wanted you to be!

And I can rub it in that stupid, no good, stinking pile of-- Zoidberg! That doesn't look color coded to me!

[Zoidberg drops the box he is holding, whoops loudly and scuttles away!]

No! Not the strap! Please don't whip me!

You're lucky if that's all I do, you- Hey! You dropped the porn!

[The video cuts off as Bender can be seen storming across the warehouse after Zoidberg, knocking boxes over in his wake.]

((ooc: Orange is Zoidberg, grey is Bender.))
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The feed begins with a close up of dangly mouth frills. Zoidberg is trying to eat the communicator again, it seems. A moment later, a small hand appears, entwined with the frills, gently prying the communicator from Zoidberg's sticky grasp. He looks rather scolded and Nill looks rather disappointed.]

I'm so sorry, Nill! It's just that I'm so hungry!

[She maintains her disappointed expression and he shrinks a bit.]

Please don't hit me! I promise it will never happen again!

[Nill sighs silently, and then gestures to her pretty awesome sweater. He’d better remember what they were doing!]

Oh! How thoughtful of you to remind me!

[Zoidberg disappears momentarily and returns with a stack of sweaters. There are roughly thirty of them in the stack, with various clashing colors and hideous patterns.]

As you all know, we are in the midst of the winter season. And, being an expert on human anatomy, it's come to my attention that humans often complain when it is cold outside. They come into my office, mouths a-flapping, teeth a-chattering, the hypochondriacs! Grow a little backbone, I say! Man up and tolerate the cold!

[He looks very stern. Also he's sidetracked again. Luckily Nill is there to steer him back with a stern look of her own.]

Ah, yes, of course. Our mission is to distribute these beautiful sweaters to the imPort children of the Network. Nill and I have prepared a sweater for each and every one of you! And all you have to do is come over to my warehome to collect it!

[Nill maneuvers her way into the shot again, and holds up a bowl of Teddy Grahams, almost as an offering (or a bribe). They’re willing to share!]

What's this? Bear shaped graham crackers?! You had food this entire time and you didn't tell me?! Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!

[And with that, the communicator is dropped on the floor, so that Zoidberg can scuttle over and steal some crackers!]
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Zoidberg appears on screen, wearing a very festive holiday sweater and Santa hat. He's clearly in The Hood's old warehouse, Christmas lights flickering in the background. He looks very pleased with himself.]

Friends! Wonderful news! It's very nearly Eks-mas and there's no sign of Rowbutt Santa Claus, coming to maim us for being naughty! It's an Eks-mas miracle, I tell you!

[He lets out a happy 'whoop whoop whoop!' before continuing.]

But of course we're not out of danger yet. Santa could easily sneak up on us and shoot us with his bicycle gun at the very last second, so I'll advise you all to stockpile as much food and weaponry as you can get your claws on! Doctor's orders, I say!

After all, it's far better to be safe than sorry! And you never know when guerilla warfare might break out!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The feed begins with a close up of Zoidberg's face. That expression. For a solid thirty seconds. He looks so emotional, as if he is on the verge of tears, and when he finally speaks, his voice is shaking.]

Friends! I have made an astounding observation! My precious little Bingo... [A pause as he gathers his thoughts.] My little Bingo is now... a mother!

[An orange claw goes for the communicator and a moment later, this image is being broadcast.]

It's my most fondest wish come true! I am now the grandparent to my very own litter of puppies! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Now, perhaps someone would like to buy Zoidberg a tasty dinner to celebrate this special occasion...? Bender? Or Friend Hood? Or Doctor Strange, maybe?

[He stares hopefully into the communicator before the feed finally cuts out.]
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Oh look! It's that hideous crab monster! He's still here? Yes, yes he is. And he looks right angry, he does! He glares into the camera, looking rather intimidating.]

Attention friends and acquaintances! It is I, Doctor Zoidberg, come to the Network with a very important message for you all! Like you, I'm tired of all the naughty behavior and the yelling and the hurting! Day after day, the Network is filled with nothing but sadness and pain! It's time to put an end to this, I say! It's time for the worst offenders among us to feel the shame that they thoroughly deserve!

cut for length... )
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Oh look, kids! It's everyone's favorite scary alien lobster monster! Doctor Zoidberg is in his warehome (you can tell by the X-mas lights strung up everywhere.) He's wearing reading glasses and is holding a small bundle, swaddled securely in a blanket. He's cooing at it, making hideous faces and such.]

My fondest wish was to become a grandmother! Who knew it would actually come true!

[He grabs the communicator with a big red claw, bringing it close to the little baby grublet that is Karkat. More hideous gurgling noises as Zoidberg fusses over the baby.  Baby!Karkat coos and gurgles in response, reaching out for Zoidberg's claw.]

He's an angel, I tell you! The sweetest little thing! I don't know why the others couldn't get him to stop screaming!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Zoidberg is very clearly at Bimboyz, as evidenced by the sparkly male strippers in green bowler hats in the background, gyrating to some very festive music. Of course, he's not paying them any attention. Instead, he's contently grazing on some corned beef and cabbage!]

Friends, friends!  This holiday is wonderful! I've never had such a sumptuous feast!

[He shoves an entire cabbage in his mouth now, saliva and leafs spraying as he speaks.]

Tell me, friends, are there any other similar holidays approaching? Or perhaps other ways to celebrate this Patrick fellow's day besides devouring delicious salt-cured meat products and boiled vegetables?!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The video turns on to reveal Zoidberg standing before the camera, swaying back and forth, almost like he is moving along to some inaudible music. He stares into the camera in his signature creepy way, mouth frills dangling hideously.]

Greetings, friends! It's me! Doctor Zoidberg, the Lovable Tramp!

[A pause, like he's waiting for some sort of acknowledgment. It doesn't come, so he continues on anyway.]

I've heard tell of the healing art of poetry, and of how one's spirit and soul could be mended by expressing one's feelings using the power of verse! Well I had to put this theory to the test, as my heart has been brimming with sadness ever since my very best friend, The Hood, was gobbled up by the rowbutt woman a few weeks ago.

So please, friends, stand by as Zoidberg the troubadour regales you with a poem of the adventures of two very esteemed members of our tribe!

cut for length... and hideousness... )
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The feed comes on mid-song, and the first image is that of a pink and white dog nose.  A few seconds later, Bingo trots away leaving the communicator to broadcast Zoidberg doing a tap dance routine.  His tap shoes and the music are echoing through the warehouse.  After a minute or two of dancing, the song ends and Zoidberg poses. He's oblivious to the fact that his little song and dance number was just broadcast.]

So, Bingo, what do you think? Of course, there is always room for improvement, so I want your honest opinion! Do you think Friend Hood will be impressed enough by my dancing to permit Bender to come live with us?

[The puppy is silent, staring forlornly at the camera.]

What's that you have, boy? Oh! You've found my communicator! Oh my and it's transmit--

[The feed ends there.]
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[Zoidberg is wearing a Santa hat! He looks so excited, he can barely contain his glee!]

Friends! Associates! Acquaintances! Everyone! Wonderful news! We're all alive! Santa didn't murder us! It's an Eks-mas miracle!

[He then starts to dance!]

Merry Eks-mas, everyone!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The comm turns on, showing the interior of the Hood's warehouse, the one Zoidberg and Bingo call home. It's tastefully decorated with a tree and some little white lights, and also some slightly unusual collectors plates mounted on the wall. Suddenly, Zoidberg appears, scuttling around frantically, hammer and planks of wood in claw.  He looks absolutely terrified!]

Brick your chimneys shut! Board up the windows! Weld the doors! Hide your kids, hide your wives! And hide your husbands!

[He drops the hammer and wood on the floor, turning to look into the camera.]

Don't just sit there!  We've just ten more days till he takes to the sky! There's no time to lose, no time, friends! Santa is coming!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous

[Zoidberg is in a warehouse. No, not the one that was set on fire and used as a death chamber. He's in Hood's warehouse, and he looks super excited!]

Friends! I didn't think it was possible, what with all the killing and the ruining of peoples' lives going on, but I've found someone with the power to fix everything!

[He clumsily moves the camera to show a white American Bulldog puppy sprawled out on the floor.  Zoidberg scuttles over to it, petting it gently with his claw.]

I dunno about you, but I feel better already!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
Good morning, friends!  I trust that you're all feeling better now that you've eaten your raw meat and consumed your blood. 

[Hideous chuckling sounds before he makes a serious face.  Well, as serious as his face gets.]

It's been brought to my attention that there's been an outbreak of some sort of illness amongst you, and that drinking the blood of your friends and relatives is atypical behavior on this planet.  Who knew!

Well, not to worry!  Doctor Zoidberg is on the case!  And for a very reasonable fee, I'm offering diagnosis and treatment to those among you who've developed these unusual symptoms.
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
Hello, friends!  It's me, your old pal, Doctor Zoidberg!

I just heard the most interesting story!  I'm told that on "Halloween", I'll get free food from my neighbors!  Where do I sign up?  I can't let this opportunity for a free meal pass me by!

I'm so hungry.
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
Friends!  I have a question for everyone!  I keep hearing this talk of mutants and what have you, and I can't help but wonder why you let mutants live amongst you in the first place.  Where I come from, they're kept in the sewers where they belong, so that they don't bother the rest of us with their hideous mutations and in return, we give them all the things we don't need anymore, like Ayn Rand novels and used pornography.

So it begs the question, why are they allowed to live on the surface with the rest of us normals?  
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The camera shows an aging, balding, plump man, one who looks very visibly shaken]


[Yup, that's Lobster man's voice.]

Something terrible has happened! Oh, it's so horrible!

[He's almost to the point of tears!  And yes, the tears sound just as awful as they did in his lobster form.]

That horrible row-butt woman, look what's she's done to me! She's a witch, I tell you! She's turned me into a hideous monster!
crabulous: (Default)
[personal profile] crabulous
[The camera shows darkness, though through the darkness there are signs of moisture. After a few seconds of black, a uvula can be clearly seen. A few more seconds pass before the camera is pulled out completely, passing through the bright orange mouth frills that serve as Zoidberg’s lips. The frills cling to the device momentarily before releasing it. Then suddenly: the feed cuts out.


Only to resume about a minute later! This time, Zoidberg is sitting thoughtfully before the camera, near what appears to be a duck pond.]

Friends, friends! I have wonderful news! The row-butt woman called me a hero!

[He waits a moment, anticipation present in that hideously strange face. Apparently he doesn’t quite understand how the communicator works. Either that, or he’s waiting for someone to scold him.]

Friends? Hello? It’s Zoidberg, the Lovable Tramp, here to save the day!

[Every second that passes sees a change in his emotional state. First he seems indignant.]

Bah! How dare they? Always ignoring lowly Zoidberg, so high and mighty with their fancy space ships and their personal possessions. Bah! Now Zoidberg has a possession of his own! And not just this fancy phone-a-mah-jig, but keys to an apartment! That’s right! My own apartment. And you’re not invited to my housewarming party.

[But that temporary rant soon evaporates into something more profound. More... hideous. Now, he appears very remorseful.]

Friends, please, I implore you, show mercy on this pitiful lobster. This silent treatment, I’m not sure how much more I can take. I beg of you... Professor? Hermes? Row-butt?


[Those strange little mouth frills are now covering his eyes as he cries, disgusting, horrible sobbing sounds are emitted, and he cries genuine tears for several seconds before a claw comes to the camera and the transmission ends.]


capeandcowl: (Default)

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