nutritionalexpert: (NERVOUS; got excited about ketchup)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
[evening, network. is this a familiar face? evan's sitting up on a cot and decked out in the superjail uniform, and he's lost the hat somewhere, so his eyes are actually visible this time. one of them's a shiner. he puts down the communicator down on his knee, balancing it so it's still facing him.]

Hey, uh.


I'm back-- back in the driver's seat, or however you wanna put it. [he holds his hands up, palms out, in the universal gesture of "i surrender", or possible the universal gesture of "for reals, bro". ] One hundred percent normal. Okay, maybe like... Seventy percent normal. But definitely a hundred percent not murderous. Just Evan in here, for now. [he raps a knuckle against the side of his skull, grinning weakly.]

If it makes any of you feel better, the HABIT got the drop on all of us, too. Fucker. The Trials-- The Trials back home didn't end with nearly as much of a bang, though. Nobody ever gets stabbed with swords in Jersey, I'll tell you that. At least not real ones. I guess when you've got a bunch of superheros and aliens to work with instead of normalass college kids...

[evan trails off and sighs, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. it is about to be amply clear that he has no idea how the legal system works whatsoever.] So, when's somebody gonna come unlock this thing? Getting kinda sick of talking to myself.
nutritionalexpert: art by tenpranks@tumblr (CALM; don't worry. jeff is batman.)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
Hoooooooly shit. You have got to see this. [on the television in the background, a trailer for marble hornets is playing. it's... it looks bad. it looks really bad. evan is cackling at it, though.]

Okay, now, I have got no fucking idea how this got on network television, but we gotta check it out. I mean, shit, I don't think I've even seen this version. This looks like a totally different ride from what I was watching. [he loses the sardonic look and breaks into a proper grin, clearly amused]

But look, there's pretty much no way on earth I'm sitting through this shitfest on my own. Somebody's gotta come laugh at this trainwreck with me, please. I'll even cover the popcorn, how's that? Eh? Eeeeh? [he snickers to himself before he shuts off, mumbling "four balls at the edge of a cliff, oh my god"]
nutritionalexpert: (SMILE; knifeboner knifeboner knifeboner)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
Uh, hi. [the kid onscreen is grinning awkwardly, and even gives a little wave. he looks maybe ten years old, tops.] Is Mister Corenthal reading this? It's just that... He told me to look for him if any of us got split up, and no one else is around, sooo... [his voice doesn't break, but it wavers.] So I gotta find 'em! None of 'em coulda gone far, Vinnie can't go a mile without restin', it's not gonna be hard at all! I just need a little bit of help. I mean, I can't track them all down by myself, and Steph can get into those little corners... [he beams at the camera for a long moment, before his face falls, and he lets out something that isn't quite a laugh.] We were only playing. I swear!

I swear. [he starts to sound more obviously panicked, having gotten to the end of his rehearsed announcement.]

We were only playing. [there's a long pause, and he takes a long inhale while he thinks the next sentence over.] I don't know if anybody knows Mister Corenthal, but... If it makes any difference, could you tell him that Habit's looking for him?

nutritionalexpert: (pic#3548284)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
[the video clicks on and is immediately accompanied by the lovely melodius stylings of ms new booty. with some rustling, evan's face comes into view, scowling and looking completely fucking exhausted.]

Every five minutes. And I'm not just exaggerating here, I mean like, literally, on the five minute mark. For the last three hours.

[he runs a tired hand through his bangs, looking around the apartment.] It's not just from the communicator, either. This thing, the television, my fucking alarm clock... [ev sighs, but there's an irate, growling kind of undertone to it, and glares at the camera. when his face breaks into a smile, it's tight and strained and obviously fake.]

So, whichever of you technopath jokers thought this was a good idea, here's my official warning: cut it the fuck out. It wasn't funny after like, the third time. And I wanted to get some goddam fucking sleep tonight. You get me? [the song, thus far muffled but everpresent, has finally ended. evan breathes a small sigh of relief and makes to turn the communicator off, but before he does, the opening bars of musical classic face down ass up can be heard starting up.]
nutritionalexpert: (SULK; but i wanted to kill iiiiiiit)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
[open on evan, looking aggressively cheerful. fakely so, even.] Right. This is probably gonna look real fuckin' stupid in about ten seconds, but... Well. I think I can survive making an asshole out of myself on camera. [he smirks like he just told the funniest joke in the whole damn universe.]

[there's a short pause, and then an edit to the vidpost to lengthen the content. the new running time includes the following footage:]

Okay. So, once again, I get to say I guessed right, and I still feel like shit about it. Because this doesn't make any fucking sense. Text, phone calls, all that shit, that's fine! But anything this piece of shit camera records of me, I can't play back. I thought it was just a glitch in a few conversations, but... [he sighs, and runs a hand through his bangs.]

I don't know if it's an issue with my account uploading, or the camera, or what. I'm kinda not... Great. At the whole technology thing. But it's starting to creep me the fuck out.
nutritionalexpert: (SATED; some true blood shit goin' on)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
You know, it's really fucking surreal, sometimes. Like, the whole 'appearing in a different universe' dealie is weird enough, but once you get there, the only familiar faces are from T.V. and comic books? Must be every mouthbreathing fanboy's wet dream, showing up here. Kinda unfortunate, when you think about it like that.

Anyway, I'm a little bit curious about that whole can of existential worms. I mean, if Batman's here -- or was here, I guess -- who else is? Might be kind of awkward if I bump into Andrew Ryan next time I'm at the corner store.

It's fucking weird, man. And yet, [he pauses for a short moment, as though he can't quite decide how to word what he says next. there's a small, exasperated kind of noise, like whatever.] Still some of my favourite shows, we seem to be missing representatives from! But, I guess jerkoff film majors don't make very good heros, huh? Not gonna get much of a crimefighter out of, say, some idiot who makes hotel documentaries. [is that a little bit of a smug lilt at the end of his sentence? yes. yes it is.]
nutritionalexpert: art by tenpranks@tumblr (CALM; don't worry. jeff is batman.)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
[evan's hunched over a table at home, surrounded by fast food bags. the place is a complete sty.]

Y'know, if someone asked me on my deathbed, hey, what really made livin' worthwhile? I think my answer's pretty clear. Gonna have to go with the KFC Double Down.

I mean, what kinda species has to have two entirely different dead animals in one sandwich? You don't see like, fuckin'... snakes and shit putting mice between two gophers. Just doesn't happen. Naw, only humans are that massively fucked, son.

Makes you think, don't it?

Sandwich is damn good, though.
nutritionalexpert: art by tenpranks@tumblr (pic#3448471)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
Okay, so. Definitely not the youtube crowd, over here. I got that. I also got a question or two, though, and you'll all have to bear with me while I figure out this new universe crossover event crap. I mean, shit. Like my life wasn't screwed up enough before?

[holy shit ev, get to the point, here.] Right, right, okay. Point is, I'm wondering about, like... Stalkers. And the potential for this whole interdimensional transport thing to be used to- well, to stop one. Is there some kind of... predecent? For people getting followed here?

And I don't mean like, a crazy ex. Trust me, this is wa-hay beyond, like... Calling your parents at 2 a.m. I mean, locked doors don't work on these fuckers. I know there aren't exactly set rules for this shit, but knowing whether or not I have to check under my bed for the same old monsters would be... It'd be good.

It'd be good to know either way.
nutritionalexpert: (NERVOUS; got excited about ketchup)
[personal profile] nutritionalexpert
[hello there, network. here's a twentyish, smallish, scraggly looking dude. completely normal looking, apart from the fact that he's pretty much covered in drying blood. he doesn't act like this is a big deal, though.] Hello out there, HYBRIDS. We've got something of a... Well, we've got a special episode for you today. I do, anyway.

Okay, so I guess I'm-- I'm pulling a Vince, here, since he's not around to record this for me. I think this like, uploads straight to youtube, or something? I only screwed around with it long enough to find the video settings, because I really need... Well, just fucking look at this.

[the camera pans around at a busy manhattan intersection, and up at shiny manhattan skyscrapers, before settling back on evan's face. it looks unimpressed.]

So yeah, you'd think this was probably New York, right? I mean, I've watched Friends -- don't you fuckin' judge me, it was what was on after school -- and I know what a goddam cab looks like. I figure this pretty much has to be New York.

There's a little problem with that, though! [he taps a finger against the side of his nose, and laughs, perhaps trying to sound knowing. it comes off as just a fraction unhinged, however.]

Here's the problem-- the problem with that. Last I checked, I was passed out in the back of Jeff's car.

So, I guess, what I'm going to do here is just keep on... Keep on recording until whatever this bullshit is gets, gets sorted out. I don't even know if I have enough it my goddam wallet to take a fucking bus back South.


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