rocksforbrains: (impressedslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
[Hey network! Santo is coming to you live from some small hole-in-the-wall secondhand movie and game store e he found downtown. Despite the setting, his expression is one of grave seriousness.]

Guys, we have a problem. I'm not known as the kind of guy who is bad at making decisions - in fact, I'm totally great at it, and all of my decisions are the best ones.  But for the first time in my life, I'm completely stuck, and I need advice here.

[He spins the comm around to face his other hand, which is holding two DVDs.

One of them,  RoboCrisis 2012, has cover art that is best described as pure concentrated 80's. A man with a blonde mullet and some kind of bulging muscular robot arm that looks like someone just painted his arm silver and drew lines on it is posing in front of a desert background populated by shadows that are, presumably, robots. A scantily clad woman carrying a giant gun is in the corner,

The other. Twenty Blows of Death, is a martial arts movie. You can tell, because a shirtless man in pants that say "KARATE" on them is kicking through the logo. The tagline is "THEY THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD - BUT THEN HE MADE THEM DEADDER". A scantily clad woman carrying a giant gun is in the corner.]

Just from the covers, which of these should I get?

This is super important. If the one you guys pick turns out to be boring, I'm gonna be pissed.
rocksforbrains: (jerkslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
[The comm taking this footage is currently being tossed around in a large grey hand, moved back and forth and upside and down before it finally lands up at a (for some of you) familiar rocky face.]

Hey, I know this is some kind of weird dream, and that I'm wasting my time looking for logic in that kinda crap, but could someone explain why I'm just out in New York? Usually my dreams are in much cooler places, like the moon. Or the Super Bowl. Or the Playboy mansion. Y'know. Normal stuff.

Anyway, hi dream people! My name is Santo, but you nerds can call me Rockslide. I'm awesome, and I've never been to an alternate reality before! Tell me what it's like here!

[There's a long pause.

Of him staring into the comm.

And then he starts stifling a snicker.

And then he smiles and breaks into a fit of laughter.]

Pfffhahahaha! Oh man. Nah, I'm fucking with you, I remember everything. Miss me, losers? You better have!
rocksforbrains: (annoyedslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
Anyone else who was on that little other-world-thing adventure never wanna see a boat or the ocean or water ever again?

And I thought living on Utopia was bad. Goddamn.
rocksforbrains: (Default)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
Santo Vaccarro presents IMPORTANT EASTER FACTS!!
  • The Easter Bunny is real and spends the whole time in between Easters crapping out candy eggs for ungrateful children to eat
  • If your parents tell you otherwise they're lying
  • They also probably flushed your fish down the toilet
  • The Easter Bunny doesn't give rotten eggs to bad people even though he totally should  which is why you should make up for it by pelting them with your own eggs
  • Peeps are actually real chicks covered in so much candy no one can tell they were ever alive
  • That green grass in the Easter basket is NOT edible (trust me on this one)
  • I dunno why green and purple are Easter colors but it's probably Norman Osborn's fault
  • Norman Osborn might be the Easter Bunny
  • Jesus had the Phoenix Force


Happy Candy Rabbit Crap Day, everybody!
rocksforbrains: (poseslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
[Santo is sitting at a table in his and Rikku's apartment, going over something on a clipboard and wearing glasses (where the hell did he even get those?) After a few seconds of pretending to be very interested in whatever is on this slip of paper, he looks up.]

Oh hey, network. I didn't see you there. [what] I've just been going over my list of New Year's resolutions. Stuff like "eat less junk food" and "be nicer to others" and "do better at work". Y'know, normal crap.

[He sets the clipboard down and takes his glasses off dramatically. It's now very clear the the paper on the clipboard doesn't have any text, just a drawing of Santo flexing his muscles and standing on a pile of supervillains.]

Well, it's taken seventeen-ish days, but I've finally managed to break every single one of them! Except for one: "stop making obnoxious network posts". Which I'm officially gonna break right

[He pulls out an RC car remote control and flips the stick. With a loud whir, an RC monster truck rolls in from off camera, with Brad the kinkajou riding on top of it, wearing what appears to be a tiny trucker's hat. The vehicle drives off camera just as quickly as it appeared.]

Happy New Year's Resolution Breaking Day, everybody!
rocksforbrains: (Default)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
 Dear The City

Here is what I want for Christmas

- Nothing stupid to happen next month, Christmas themed or not
- A bazooka
- My own football team
- Superheroine wardrobe malfunctions
- Alcohol
- Fewer people getting killed
- More villains to punch
- A billion dollars
- A giant billboard of me eating a pizza taco
- Wrestling to be interesting again

Posting this early so you all can get on getting that ready for me!
rocksforbrains: (annoyedslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
So Rikku's gone.

And not "turned into a kid and ran off" gone I mean gone gone.

Comm's here and everything,

BUT she made me promise not to worry unless she ever disappeared for over week so here I am, not worrying

At all. 

So yeah she's obviously not gonna be coming into work for a while just a head's up and stuff

rocksforbrains: (sadslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
So my birthday was yesterday. The big two-oh, if you're not picky about time travel age rules or whatever.

[He pauses to let that sink in.]

Now, some of you guys might have forgot because I didn't make a post about my big awesome party that was coming up, and there's a reason for that. Given all the crap going on lately and people leaving, it just feels...I dunno. Wrong to pretend nothing's up and try to ignore that by getting everyone to pay attention to me. Selfish, I guess.

[A pause.]

Holy crap, that sounds so dumb coming from me. Maybe I'm going soft in my old age. By the time I'm thirty it's gonna be all feelings and emotions and crying in public and sensitivity to others and I'll just throw myself down a volcano in shame.

Anyway, yeah. That's what's up.

Oh, and don't think this means I don't want presents! 'Cause I do, and you better be getting me some! Yes, that means you, guy or lady listening to this. Go!
rocksforbrains: (jerkslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
Y'know what, Network? If I've gotta listen to people yap about the Olympics for the next week - thanks for that by the way, dead Greek dudes - then I'm gonna just come out and say what I think. Like I always do. Even when it's not a good idea.

Mutants and other imPorts with non-crappy powers not having organized sports here is total bullshit. See, back in my world we have this thing called Unlimited Class Wrestling just for people with superstrength, and a bunch of other, less-legal wrestling groups like that one I was in for a little while 'cause of that thing Julian and me and the others did that I'm not supposed to talk about .

Now, we probably don't have enough super strong people here to do anything exactly like that, but there's gotta be some kind of imPort Olympics That Is Better Than The Real Olympics we can set up, and then we can get all the endorsements and maybe we'll start getting hated less again. But mainly the endorsements.

So what I need to hear from you guys is ideas on what we could do. I promise you'll get a little credit for them. Like, half credit. Or a third.

rocksforbrains: (annoyedslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
Prom is coming up

this means having to pay for a suit

now I dunno how big some of you guys/girls are out there but when you're as huge as me that shit gets PRICEY

there seriously needs to be a specialty clothing store for seven feet+ people

Huge & Wide

Gap: Hulk Edition

Something like those

PS. Going to be using the Danger Room to practice my dance moves DO NOT DISTURB
rocksforbrains: (impressedslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
[It's lunch time at the Institute and Santo is sitting somewhere against a tree, with his packed lunch and oh dear god

it's a giant taco with a fully cooked pizza for a shell]

Normally, I don't think too hard about this stuff, but I had this really weird dream last night. See, I was at a mall, don't know where, and it was after closing time. I was alone, and locked in, and-

[At this point Santo realizes his pizzataco abomination has gone too long untouched, and takes a big bite out of it. Half of it, in fact.

And then he keeps talking.

What follows is about thirty seconds of incomprehensible rambling, thanks to Santo's rocky mouth being full of food and occasionally spraying bites of tomato and lettuce everywhere. After that, he finally swallows]

-so the pope's skeleton fell back into the bottomless pit, but then all of a sudden the freakin' snake is back and he's wearing Cyclops' visor and shooting beams at me!

[He shrugs.]

Anyway, I guess what the standard Philosophical Network Question I'm getting at here is, what's the craziest dream you guys have ever had? And do you think dreams actually mean anything? Don't answer that part  if your power is having dreams that mean something, 'cause that's cheating.
rocksforbrains: (laughslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
Guys! School's almost out! Which means I'm finally gonna be free of the education system! You have no idea how exciting this is for me. Getting to sleep in on weekdays? Hell yes.

[Santo pauses, and when he speaks again he sounds decidedly less sure of himself than usual.]

Still, I'm kinda gonna miss it, I guess. Even though learning is boring and homework is the most evil thing created by humanity right after Sentinels and diet soda, I've spent a lot of time in one school or another and a bunch of the best and worst moments in my life happened in one.

[Another pause.]

Mainly the worst moments, come to think of it. Anyway, that doesn't sound too weird, does it? Tell me I'm not suddenly going all soft and nerdy and crap.
rocksforbrains: (Default)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
You guys might not know/remember this but a long long LONG time ago I did a post that listed the hottest ladies in the City and since then most of the women who were on it got ported out, which makes the thing pretty useless now. Also the fact that old posts are still busted and stuff

Which is why I, being the helpful and cool dude that I am, decided to update it JUST FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES SO NOBODY GET MAD OKAY?

[Attached List] )
And that's it! If you've got any complaints about who should/shouldn't be on there let me know so I can totally ignore them.

† 038.

Mar. 11th, 2012 06:04 pm
klutziness: <lj site="" user="griseous"> (easy.)
[personal profile] klutziness
[this is rikku in an itsy-bitsy orange bikini with lime-green sunglasses perched on her nose. 66 degrees and sunny is perfect for tanning, okay. she is lying on her stomach on top of something grey and slightly reflective.]

It’s about time the cold went away! Seriously, I don’t really trust those tanning bed things and I’ve been dying to get outside for this.

[it turns out that grey reflective surface is santo after a good polish.]

Do I have to keep laying still? I think an ant crawled up my nose.

[rikku kind of rolls over (helloooo cleavage) and pulls her sunglasses just a bit down her nose.]

Just a sec! I’m in the middle of something very important.

[santo stifles a little bit of a laugh.]

If by important you mean showin' off to the network, yeah, but hey, don't let me cramp your style.

[oh snap rikku pulls off her sunglasses and glares at him a little.]

Excuse me, I am not “showing off!”

[she even does air-quotes with her free hand for that.]

You so are! Here, I'll prove it.

[and then santo rolls over so that he's supporting himself with his arms, looming above her and blocking the comm's view.] Okay, now go on!

[after giving a little scream, everything is suddenly dark because santo just blocks all of the sunlight. all of it. she’s pouting now, and pushes her sunglasses up to the top of her head.]

No, I’m done with the Network now. Can I have my sun back?

[there's another rocky rumble as santo rolls back over and the sunlight returns.]

Totally just proved my point. [he sounds so smug.]


[rikku blows her bangs away from her face, hair tousled now, gives him another pouty glare, and shuts off the comm. red is santo, orange is rikku. backdated to sunday afternoon. why do you guys let us write anyway]
rocksforbrains: (jerkslide)
[personal profile] rocksforbrains
So we're all done talking about our feelings and being big wusses about everything, right? 'Cause if that went on any longer I was seriously gonna have to find a way to regain the ability to vomit just so I could express how much it made me sick. And with all the trouble that crap caused, the lesson I've learned is this:

Never talk about your feelings ever.

Or at least not where I can hear them 'cause c'mon. I'm trying to be nicer and you guys just keep giving me material to work with! You're making my life harder here.
[identity profile]
In case you guys were wondering? SCHOOL STILL SUCKS (and yet still beats what I was doing back home go figure)

Need your best ideas for staying sane during boring classes cause I kind of want to tear my head off and throw it out the window. Ugh only one semester left so close to never doing this again


[ooc: santo is in a remedial class because I forgot what day it is yes I know]
[identity profile]
[Santo's comm is laying on the ground, apparently in the front yard of the Institute, and angled so that Santo is in view, wearing a red coat...and rolling a massive snowball in his hands.]

Merry Christmas, nerds and jerks! Looks like we're having a kinda of sane, minimum crazy bullshit Christmas this year, which is pretty much the greatest gift of all.

[Santo hurls the snow-bowling ball into the sky. Way into the sky. As in it sails over the horizon as he watches.]

A lot of you are getting presents from me and Rikku this year, but you better not open them till tomorrow 'cause that's totally against the spirit of Christpffhahaha no, I'm kidding, go ahead! I'm totally going to open mine tonight because being an adult is awesome.

[He's been building another snowbomb this entire time, and he gives it another mighty hurl off into the distance.]

I hope I'm making it to Jersey with these things. Jersey has it coming.
[identity profile]
Uh. In case anyone's wondering, I'm not crazy anymore. I know I've been kinda maybe avoiding everyone a little bit but that's totally unrelated.

[A beat.]

Yeah, I don't even believe that one.

...That's all, I guess.
[identity profile]
[The first image on the feed is people fleeing a bus right before Santo throws a car through it. Like, right through it. That bus has been split in two with what's left of the car sticking out the other side. No one is inside but damn.

That sets the tone for the rest of this post. That and the screaming civilians running away like Godzilla just showed up (again).]

So I was thinking! Christmas is coming up, right? Do we have any big plans for this year? 'Cause I remember the whole hotel mess from last year and that makes me wonder-

[Santo interrupts his sentence to rip a stop sign out of the ground and smash it into an abandoned taxi's hood.]

-if every holiday get-together in this city is cursed, then why even bother? Not like it matters. None of this crap does.

[He kicks a newspaper dispenser over the horizon, laughing.] Oh man, got some distance on that! I wonder if it hit something. God, I hope it did.

Anyway, my point is, if nothing matters then let's cut the crap and just bring this whole city down to the ground! It's gonna happen anyway, right? Let's at least have some fun with it!

[Santo sticks his hand through a nearby wall, dragging it through as he walks along the street. The feed cuts.]

[ooc: Evil!Rockslide is rampaging through downtown until Rikku shows up to stop him. Luckily his damage will be mostly limited to the above and he's not trying to hurt or kill anyone. Just wreck up the place.]
[identity profile]


How long have I been asleep?

[Turns out that turning into a giant rock monster is kind of tiring.]
[identity profile]
Alright, the most important holiday of the year is coming up soon! I'm talking, of course, about Halloween - the night where the time-honored and awesome activities of watching horror movies and eating a crapton of candy combine into one. I'm sure a lot of people are gonna be doing party stuff this year but since I missed out last time, I'm gonna be doing my own this year.

And it will be better than everyone else's. I'm planning so much crazy stuff, guys. I can't even talk about it because it's all so crazy.

[Private to Marceline]


26 - [text]

Oct. 9th, 2011 07:43 am
[identity profile]
Dear Network Dudes/Ladies

So I found out that October, in addition to being the month with the BEST HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR (no not Columbus Day fuck Columbus Day) is National Bullying Awareness Month. This means two things.

1. I want you all to be very aware of how much I'm bullying you this month. I mean I'm not gonna STOP, just be aware of it.

2. If anyone tries to bully you (the crappy kind of bullying not my awesome, lovable kind) you should make ME aware of it and I'll throw them into a river (trust me, it works)

Love, Santo

† 033.

Sep. 21st, 2011 05:13 pm
klutziness: homette @ LJ (Default)
[personal profile] klutziness
[the video flicks on to show rikku’s garage, a place you all know and love! she’s wearing nothing appropriate for working with explosives, but who cares, she does what she wants. the comm is set on a stool a few feet away from her as she mixes this and stirs that into a large beaker. after a few moments she pauses, looking at the beaker happily.

and then the happy is gone, replaced with confusion and a bit of worry as the beaker begins to bubble. she takes half a step back and yells:]


[and there's a sudden crash as santo plows through a wall off camera, charging into view right as the mixture explodes. thankfully, an invulnerable rock body works very well as an impromptu blast shield.

when the smoke starts to clear, santo speaks:]

That. Was. Awesome. Are you okay?

[CROUCHED ALL BENEATH HIM. coughing a bit. finally straightens and looks... at her poor wall...]

My wall! Why'd you have to pick today to pretend to be that red-drink guy like on TV, huh?

The what guy--look, it was you or the wall and I made a good decision! That wall sucked anyway. It blocks your view of... uh... that street. I basically did you two favors!

[ALL THE SIGHING. about to say some witty retort. and then... a pause... she slowly looks up at him. questioning. so many questions.]

What's that... poking me?

Uh...I think it's a kneespike. I got a lot of spikes.

[she seems to accept this, and ducks out from beneath him to look at her wall. her back is to the comm so her voice is getting more distant by the second, but her last words are pretty clear before the recording times out:]

--I swear to Yevon, if that was your rock penis and not a knee spike I'll--
[identity profile]
HEY GEEKS drop whatever geekery you are doing and listen up cause i've got an important announcement

namely that my birthday is going down on wednesday

i was kind of too busy or whatever last year to care but THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT so i want all cool people to show up to my birthday party which is going to include

- sports!
- arcades!
- food!

and really what else do you need? nothing, that's what.

anyway let me know if you're a cool dude/lady and interested and i'll text you the location info and we can all get crazy and celebrate my


shit how old AM I now let's go with 19

my 19th birthday

yeah that works
[identity profile]
[The video feed from this comm is giving you a lovely few of absolutely nothing, since it is recording a darkened room with almost no lighting. There's enough to make out that this appears to be a workshop or garage of some kind, and that some big idiot with huge hands is fumbling around on a shelf and mumbling.]

Freakin' key, I know you're around here somewhere, or at least you better be...

[And suddenly, there’s the lightest sound of metal scraping against metal as someone picks up something. Just a split second later, there’s a yell:]
I got you! [And metal slamming against... rock? A startled yelp, and the metal thing drops to the concrete, clattering around. Someone is hissing and running, bumping into things as she goes.] Cred!

Hey!-[The intruder with the phone spins around, sounding ready for a fight, and-stops. Thanks to the AMAZING CAMERA WORK of this accidental video post and the whole pitch darkness, it's kind of hard to see anything except some blonde hair.] ...Rikku?

[Rikku’s voice comes from somewhere across the room, just as surprised as his.] –Santo? [As if she needs to ask that question. Her incredulity turns to annoyance so quickly, though!] What the vilg are you doing breaking into the garage?!

[The phone moves as Santo puts up his hands defensively.] I needed the extra key to the apartment! I got ported in and I wanted to surprise you but the door was locked so I okay, maybe it wasn't a GOOD plan but it seemed like it at the time!

[Rikku finally manages to feel her way across the garage to flick on the light. The wrench she used to hit him over the head is on the ground at her feet and, well. Her hand is starting to turn a lovely shade of purple already. But she can’t ever stay mad at him, and her voice softens.] It was a pretty good plan, dork.

Yeah, I know, I just was saying it wasn't just in case you were mad at me. [And the comm is unceremoniously dropped for the moment so he can rush over and hug her.] I'll buy you a new wrench. Uh. Eventually.

[She lets him pick her up, wrapping one arm around him so she can grip at his stony neck with her good hand. Her bruising hand is hanging kind of useless by her side, but oh well. She... looks pretty close to tears, but is doing a good job of holding them back.] Too bad you can’t buy me a new hand, huh?

I'm sure someone can build you a robot hand that's even better than that one. And then we can thumb wrestle! [Being an idiot is keeping him from getting all what-passes-for-misty-eyed-when-you're-a-rock-man too, which is good for his reputation.]
[identity profile]
[Wondering where Rockslide has been during Pigeongate? WONDER NO LONGER!

Santo is peaking out from underneath a cardboard covering in an alley somewhere.

He also appears to be covered in pigeon crap.]

Is it safe to come out yet or am I gonna get a hundred more of those nest-making sons of bitches all over me?


Damnit, I'm gonna have to make like a dozen new bodies to get this smell outta my head.

22 - [text]

Apr. 4th, 2011 07:05 pm
[identity profile]
[It's a text post from Santo, which as usual means something is very wrong.]

rikku's gone

ported out gone, i mean

and don't bother saying "hey she might be here" cause i saw it happen

she's not

not going to class today

or tomorrow probably

yeah that's all
[identity profile]
Happy St. Patrick's Day, City! Let's all go celebrate the time...that guy...did the thing...with the stick and the snakes. Okay, look. I'm not Irish and we don't get out of school for it, so I don't care. Oh, and I can't get drunk either, so there's no point in drinking unless there's something really wrong with me and I actually like the taste of alcohol. And I don't.

Nnnnot that I've ever tried drinking before or anything. Ha ha ha. Nope.

So uh. In not related to holidays for groups of dudes I'm not a part of, someone give me one good reason I should be staying in school instead of going full-on crimefighter 24/7, 'cause mid-term bullshit is making it reaaaally hard to think of any.
[identity profile]
Everyone's going insane again for Valentine's Day, huh? It figures. Wonder if I'll be able get out of class on account of holiday-related craziness. Maybe I can, like, claim to be in love with a parking lot or something. That might work.

...Unless they'll ask me to prove it by making out with the parking lot. Egh. I don't even like asphalt when I'm made out of it.

Still, gotta say that it's impossible for this week to be worse than my last one here! Everyone's on their feet and not passing out for one thing. That's a plus. And no, I don't care if I'm jinxing it. Jinxes are dumb and if you believe in them you are a big dumb baby.

So! For you guys who aren't dumb babies or being creepy, what are you gonna do for V-Day? Give me ideas I can steal!
[identity profile]




[Santo blows a noisemaker left over from New Year's. And it lasts for about a second before he blows too hard and it breaks.] Stupid cheap piece of cra-
Uh. Anyway!

I have been here for a whole year. Yeah, I know I was gone for a couple of months but screw you, it totally counts! I guess I could think back on all the stuff that's happened to me lately, here and at home, and see if I learned anything...but why would I want to? Instead, I wanna hear how having me around has made your lives more awesome. Don't hold back, I want all the praise you've got. All of it.

And uh, yeah, do we know what's causing all the weird animal parts/talking water/flying bubble crap yet? 'Cause I don't want to have to rap battle our bathtub again. I don't think it could handle it.


capeandcowl: (Default)

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