two. video.

[douchess]

Hello, fake New York.

[ Sterling Archer -- greatest secret agent (in at least one universe), god of sex, god of beautiful hair -- purrs the words. He lounges in a leather armchair with an empty glass in one hand and an unlabeled bottle of champagne in the other.

He wears a bath robe. ]

Something is missing in your life. You know it. I know it. And if you're a woman, aged 18 to 29, that something might just be yours truly. Sterling Archer. Secret agent.

[ He leans over casually, smoothly, and pours himself a drink. Then he sips. Savors. ]

Aah yes. Picture the warm, soothing bubbles of my hot-tub caressing your skin, that steaming liquid carrying away all your worries like some kind of magical train to ... [ uh ] ... worryville, never to be seen again. Afterwards, perhaps we could share a bottle of fine champagne. See where the night takes us.

If you don't fit into the above category, your life probably sucks assmonkeys and I'm sorry. But perhaps you could enjoy that fine champagne anyway.

[ Archer snaps his fingers and, at once, two scantily clad women emerge from off-screen. They gyrate, with some enthusiasm. ]

L'essence d'Archer. At $800 dollars a bottle, it's almost as good as having sex with me. Which is still totally an offer for you ladies, by the way. Caaan't afford these two forever.

[ The women continue to gyrate. ]

No offense.

Anyway, I'm also looking for a manservant. So, uh. Applications here. I guess.



[permissions!]

Comments

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

[Stephen looks the most unimpressed.]

A manservant.

[video]

[douchess]

It's nothing, you know. Weird.

It's just a man that serves. You in?

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth, no. I just happen to find the term offensive.

As does my disciple, if I'm not mistaken.

[video]

[douchess]

Wow, that is.

That is an unnecessary amount of alliteration.

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

I trust that it adequately conveyed my refusal.

[video]

[douchess]

But wait. Did you say you have a manservant?

Shit. Where did you find him?

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

Nyainqêntanglha Feng, Tibet. And he prefers disciple, or student.

[video]

[douchess]

What, like, student of ironing your suits?

Student of making brunch?

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

A student of magic.

[video]

[douchess]

Yeah, well, everyone here is magic. Shit. If Woodhouse were here, maybe he could, like. Snap his fingers and make me a five course meal and summon five gorgeous women and heat my slippers until they're, like, toasty hugs for my feet without running the risk of, like. Burning down the place.

Stupid cotton.

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

[Dryly:] You could find something in polyester. They'd melt instead.

[video]

[douchess]

Thanks, Sherlock. Because if there's anything I need, it's melted slippers.

[video]

[sorcerersupreme]

That suggestion is about as practical as a manservant.