In this show there is no fourth wall whatsoever. - George Stavropoulos

[pacifisted.livejournal.com]

[Whatever you're watching this morning, whether it be the news or cartoons, unscrambled cable porn channels--Tony Stark, we're looking at you--or educational documentaries, televangelists or infomercials... you're not watching it anymore. (Those of you who are lazy and get up late? You can catch it on CMM throughout the day as they re-run the footage over and over to get higher ratings.) No, instead, you're being treated to the sight of a podium draped in grey set in front of a black backdrop that has a giant red crab on it.]

[A young man in his mid-20s with his hair slicked back approaches from the side, sporting bright blue slacks and a matching blazer with a white dress shirt and red tie. On one lapel is a special Frodo Lives (In the City!) pin with a gold background and black lettering.]

Is this thing on?

( TO TURN OFF THE TELEVISION, TURN TO PAGE 10. )
( TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR YOUR DAY, TURN TO PAGE 15. )


[He taps the mic a couple times before looking off-screen at something and nodding. Then, clearing his throat, he turns to face the camera and begins to speak.]

Ladies and gentlemen of the City, I come before you today not to monologue and gesture dramatically, telling all about our awesome plans like the villains in a James Bond movie--not that we can see those anymore, thanks a lot, man--but as a compassionate, caring individual who believes in the freedom of every man, woman, and child to enjoy the fantastic creations to which we, as humans, are entitled. I believe that these freedoms have been taken away from us, just like in issue #24 of the 1980's reboot of--

[Someone hisses "twenty-five" from off-screen, and he coughs, interrupting himself, before resuming his spiel.]

It doesn't matter what issue, dear audience at home.

[Shooting a dirty look to the side.]

And Ted. What matters is that our hobbies--nay, our very livelihoods--are endangered by this out-of-control system of fiction introduction. As a nation, we all feel the effects of blockbuster movies costing dozens of millions of dollars to produce barely making it through opening weekend before falling off the face of the planet. We all know what it's like to have our childhoods ripped away from us, never to be visited again. And we all saw what happened to Mintendo's stock the morning after one of their flagship titles was erased from existence.

[Banging a fist on the podium, then snapping his arm out into a crisp-looking pointing gesture, shouting.]

HOW LONG DID FAMILIES EVERYWHERE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE BROKEN-HEARTED SOBS OF CHILDREN DEPRIVED OF THE PERSONAL GLORY TO BE FOUND IN DEFEATING THE ELITE FOUR WITH A PERFECT FULL-GAME BATTLE RECORD DURING A NUZLOCKE CHALLENGE? HOW LONG?

[Taking a breather, as well as a dose from his inhaler, and adjusting his tie. Eventually:]

...And all the problems they've caused by blowing buildings up while fighting each other and stuff like that really suck, too.

Anyway, It is because of this wanton fandom and Citywide destruction that, we, the Crabhammers, are taking a stand against that tyrannical beast which has caused this world to fall into a +3 Pit of Unending Chaos and Grief. Today, we march on that, uh... stupid... machine-y thing...

["Porter!"]

PORTER! And today, we will reach the Best Ending, which in layman's terms is getting her to send everyone home and never bring anyone else again, so we can enjoy old episodes of Transformers and trade merchandise in Canada in peace.

Or there's the Good Ending, which is okay, too, but that one mostly just involves us breaking the machine so she can't bring in anyone else. That'd keep everybody already here in the City, though. I think.

[To the side again.]

Ted. Hey, Ted! Yeah. Hey, did the R&D team ever get a definitive answer on that one? No? Not yet? Damn.

[Turning back to the camera.]

Well, we're pretty sure, anyway. I mean, that seems likely, considering she's the one that brings them in and all. Whatever! The point is, Peter Jackson could make new movies, with even better CGI this time, and maybe cast someone better than Orlando Bloom, because if I have to hear my loser kid sister's endless confessions of love to that poster on her wall all over again I'm gonna skip Ticketmaster and just be first in line to volunteer for a hegh'bat, is all I'm saying. And nobody would have to worry about them going away.

[Thoughtful.]

...We also came up with a Bad Ending, and I was gonna read it out loud, but now that I think about it I'm pretty sure hearing it would probably give some kind of bonus to the enemy's morale stats and reduce ours, so I'm just gonna skip that one.

Imports! The Crabhammers have judged you before a jury of ourselves and found you guilty of copyright infringement, identity theft, murder in every degree, destruction of public property...

[Checking his watch.]

...And like, a whole bunch of other stuff, but this speech is coming really close to the wire, here, and we have a schedule to keep to, so just assume that you're in trouble for all the bad stuff you've done, because we're gonna sentence your asses to sudden, instant, and even immediate death. It'll save time.

[Checking his watch once more.]

It's 7:30, troops! CHARGE!

[And after that final dramatic and oh-so-familiar point, he walks off with his head held high, the feed oh-so-slowly fading to black with very recognizable strains of music playing in the background. All stations are shortly returned to their previously-scheduled broadcasting.]

Comments

[Not here / Action for HT10th]

[shiromadoushi]

[[Bakura is just... sitting on the couch, head in hands, looking so damned tired and muttering about otaku and fanboys/girls ruining everything. He'll be sitting a minute before getting up to try and get a hold of his friends and figure out what to do.]]

[action!]

[hackeralastair]

[he's running late for work, rushing around the apartment in his trenchcoat looking for something and so not paying attention to the TV]

...where the fuck are they. Where are my damn keys? I gotta get on the road! Dammit, I'm not going to have time to stop for coffee now...

[action!]

[shiromadoushi]

Oniichan, wait... [[gets up]]

[action]

[pacifisted.livejournal.com]

Bakura.

[action]

[shiromadoushi]

[[And the door opens moments later]] Trowa-kun. [[nods in acknowledgment.]] Saw the news? [[as if he needs to ask]]

Video/Action

[out_of_time]

This can't be serious.

[In the background, a phone begins to ring. Then another, and another, and another. Then the crackle of a radio can be heard, a panicked voice saying something about subways and intersections.]

Oh my God, they're actually going to do it.

POLICE FILTER

I need to talk to every police officer on this channel, now.

Action

[grey1911.livejournal.com]

[Aaron was just having his first meeting with Roberta to discuss his new job responsibilities, too. Yeah, they're hard working early birds. He's coming out of her office when he looks at Jack. He migh actually almost look angry.]

I'll do what I can until the Commissioner needs me to deal with the media.

[Which will probably be very, very soon. He's not looking forward to this.]

Action

[out_of_time]

[There is no 'might' to how angry Jack looks. The sheer absurdity of this attack, combined with its very real threat, just plain ticks him off.]

Yeah. [He sighs, and loads his gun.] Standard procedure, tell all civilians to stay inside and off the streets. [He stands up] I'm taking the chopper.

Video, Police Filter

[newbvampire]

[Seras' eyes are already glowing red when she turns on her communicator.]

Sir.

Video, Police Filter

[out_of_time]

Gear up, Seras. Tear gas and rubber bullets.

Bring live ammunition too, we don't know how bad this could get.

[Private : Text because unsure] on the 19th, morning.

[shiromadoushi]

Did you need a healer on call?

[Private : Text ] on the 19th, morning.

[out_of_time]

Yes, definitely. Are you mobile or is there a place people should be sent to you?

NEWS TV

[viced]

[ That's right, if you're watching the news, they've all got a breaking News thing going on, and on one side of the screen is your local Mayor, the other side is the leader of our fandom attacks groups! ]

"And yes, this just in, we do have an exclusive panel interview to bring you all today. On the one end, we have the current Mayor of the City, Mitchell Hundred, who's also a part of the Import population. On the other, we have the leader of the group that's just declared war on the import population, gentlemen, what's the deal here?"

[ Mitch is speaking first whether the Leader likes it or not, sorry 8( ]

Well, I think that's an excellent question, isn't it? Look, I'd just like to say that I feel for the people who've been here and found some of their prized possessions up and disappeared. I'm well known for having some kinship with the groups we have here, being a fan myself. What I'm struck by, is that you people think this is enough to declare war over.

Re: NEWS TV

[pacifisted.livejournal.com]

Some? Some?

Tina here lost her copy of Action Comics #1 when that first Superdoofus got Imported--come over here, Tina; go on, say hello.



Tina was distraught. Her retirement plans were shot! Now she's going to have to live in--in a cardboard box, or something, when she turns 65.



And my main man Dave there, he was the biggest collector of GL merch on the East Coast. You know how much stuff poofed out overnight? A lot, Mitch. A lot.

These people have watched their prized possessions, have watched these masterpieces of collections disappear. An entire life's work gone, overnight. Fortunes vanished into thin air. Wouldn't you be upset? It's theft. Wouldn't you want to punish those responsible?

This is the only way we can take the issues to the public. I gotta say my team finds it really funny that a superhero is lecturing us about war and violence.

video;

[professorlionface]

What is this utter malarkey?

video;

[calming]

What's a "crabhammer"?

video

[arakhnes.livejournal.com]

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

video

[haki.livejournal.com]

[ he was watching playhouse disney B( early morning..desuuu? ]

Spiiiider. What's going ooooon?

[diesarock]

[hey why does that music make me want to go fight things.]

They want to kill us?

[haki.livejournal.com]

They do? That's stupid!

permavid

[boogaroos.livejournal.com]

[Booga just watches from his hotel room. Clearly he was watching Boomerang before this announcement]

This is the worst episode of JabberJaw I've ever seen.

[He rubs the back of his head]

Not sure why they're all mad. Living with the real thing is a billion times more better than reading it.

video;

[incywincyhero]

Okay, let's see if I get the gist: they're living the dream of every geek in the multiverse, so they have to kill us.

Logic at its finest.

video;

[guardiandevil]

[Deadpan:]

They want their fanfiction back, Spidey. And who can blame them?

[Video]

[vivi-sorrow.livejournal.com]

They don't want to kill us - they want the Porter to make us go away so they can have all their... whatever they were talking about back. It sounds like they lost something important to them every time the Porter brings someone in.

Plus, our fights do break things a lot... [He looks guilty]

[Video]

[cosmic_ring_hero]

[Freedom Ring looks a little panicked and angry. He also seems to be flying somewhere with his usual jet pack.]

These idiots...do they realize how stupid they're being?! Not...not sure if they're entirely serious or not but I'm going to the Porter Building. Gonna make sure anyone dumb enough to try something gets sent packing.

[He's quiet a moment before scowling and speeding up.]

Anyone wants to join me, feel free.