twenty-three. voice.

[goryteller]

[Katurian sounds tired and frail. His voice carries its usual tremor.]

As a human being-- like all human beings, I make a tremendous amount of mistakes. A tremendous amount. I'm not a role model. That isn't-- That isn't something I could say.

[Vocalizing those words nearly kicks his breath away. Pause. Then, feverishly:]

I wanted to apologize for the state I found myself in this last week, a state in which-- in which many of you saw me, and I wanted to let everyone know that it was my fault. I thank you for your concern, I really do, but the most important thing for any of you to know is that it was my fault. And I don't want pity, that's never something I want, even if it seems like a very easy thing to give, even if it seems like I deserve it, because I don't deserve pity and I don't want it either. That doesn't mean I deserve to be treated like shit, g-granted, I don't want to see anyone using that as a fucking excuse, but I-- I'm--

[He catches himself. Breathes.]

But I'm all right.

[Click.]

Comments

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

Saved? You haven't been saved. [ His tone becomes harsh. ] You don't know the meaning of saved.

private;

[goryteller]

I know that he was right. I know that if I died, I wouldn't go to "heaven." I would have woken up in the Porter room, limbs sprawled, drooling mindlessly until someone found me or I very quietly starved to death-- only to have it all fucking happen again. He told you this, and it's right.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

Do you know what sin I had done when I had suffered under possession? Have you any idea what sort of dangers it poses upon one's soul? Did you realize how frightened I was, on your behalf?

No. No, you don't.

private;

[goryteller]

I know you're a fucking delusional mess. I know I can't predict what the fuck you're going to do next, and I know you told Edward Nygma, the only person who knew how to help me that I should just die.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

I had been so generous towards you. Suggesting that you could possibly not land in Sheol when you perish, turning my gaze away from your sins.

All without even testing you.

private;

[goryteller]

You haven't been generous. You haven't been fucking generous.

I had hope for you.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

"There is a way―right before a man, and its latter end are ways of death."

Where did that hope go?

private;

[goryteller]

Are you-- Are you telling me you're generous just because you haven't killed me?

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

And even more so that I haven't even run you through in search for your salvation.

private;

[goryteller]

I don't need my salvation from you. Do you have any idea how batshit fucking insane you sound right now?! Jesus!

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

Don't―

You would die so easily, you are yet another cancer. I...

private;

[goryteller]

That hurts you to hear, doesn't it? It hurts you to hear how fucking insane you are.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

Stop it.

private;

[goryteller]

It's because you realize that maybe if you're insane? That maybe if you're insane everything about your life is a joke, your great cosmic purpose is a joke and you're just some lunatic stabbing people to see how they bleed.

Poor Azrael.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

I know I'm being driven mad, that is my curse. That is no secret. And―

[ Unsteadily: ] ―They don't bleed, they burn.

private;

[goryteller]

[Pause.]

What's driving you mad?

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

My role: All of us succumb to madness. It's the suit.

I wouldn't have crucified myself if I had no contact with it.

private;

[goryteller]

You're making excuses. Azrael.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

I do not make excuses.

private;

[goryteller]

You're making excuses!

You're a mess. You'll never be a savior.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

No. I know that I will either become a savior for mankind, or― [ his voice suddenly hushes. ]

My destiny was seen by another.

private;

[goryteller]

Who? Another liar? Another delusional fucking nutcase?

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

Batman.

private;

[goryteller]

Sounds like the latter, then.

private;

[crucifriction.livejournal.com]

I am glad you find his flaws significant.