first carcino ♋ video

[crab]

[ the video clicks on, and the face it captures is not a happy one. it is a grey face, topped with hair that has not seen the comforting touch of a brush in a heinously long time. on his head there are two, nubby little yellow horns. he has a horrendous overbite with carnivorous looking teeth. the large eyes of a nocturnal creature, yellow sclera, grey pupils, both underscored with grave ditches that suggest he has not slept for a long, long time. cape and cowl, ladies, gents, and unspecified, meet karkat vantas, aged six sweeps, thirteen earth years.

at the moment when the video starts he is breathing quickly and shakily, muttering a steady stream of profanity. his eyes are huge, wide with apparent panic, shoulders bunched, jaw set- he is like tension personified. on his face are streaks of pale pink, though he is hurriedly scrubbing them away with the back of a sleeve, before beginning. loudly. also he may be trying to puff himself up a bit. he is definitely trying not to look scared out of his mind. ]

Attention douchebags!

[ charmer. ]

I don't know what in pusblasted hell just happened, but I'm calling out all semi-intelligent excuses for sentience receiving this message right now to answer a question.

Where. The. Assnabbing. Fuck. Am I?!

One minute I'm at an undestroyed, unneutralized Green Sun opening my grief ducts over the pile of feculent yellow mush that used to be my best friend, then I'm being accosted by some piece of shit computer for my name and alias. If anyone from my team got warped here with me and can see this then report to me right now with as little bullshit as possible, I am not in the mood, I am in the negatives of what would have been the mood, okay.

Comments

[culver]

Why did you not just say nose?

[crab]

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY SPECIES CALLS IT.
GOD, TRY TO BE AT LEAST A LITTLE MULTICULTURAL, WILL YOU?
YOU SAID YOU KNEW KANAYA AND TEREZI, I MEAN, SURELY THEY MUST HAVE USED WEIRD ALIEN JARGON ON YOU BY NOW.

[culver]

Yes but they usually explain it. I do not know all of your words.
I am sorry.

[crab]

OK WHATEVER
I DON'T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT.

[culver]

About me knowing your words?

[crab]

YEAH
MY POINT WAS
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN WALTZ IN HERE AND DICTATE WHO I AM AND AREN'T A SEARING JACKASS TO.

[culver]

Oh.
I am sorry.
He is my friend though. I do not like when people are mean to him.

[crab]

IF HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE A FUCKING DOUCHE THEN HE SHOULD BE LESS OF A RAGING DIPSHIT.
OR DID YOU JUST MISS HIS WHOLE SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION
SO BUSY WERE YOU FLIPPING OUT OVER MY GODDAMN MANNERS.
TALK ABOUT BIAS.

[culver]

[there is a pause before this]

I am probably biased. He is always like that to other people.

[crab]

WOW HE MUST BE AN INTERMINABLE JOY TO BE AROUND.

[culver]

He is actually very nice when you get to know him. He just does not really like being around people very much.

[crab]

HE HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP HIS SQUAWK BLISTER SEALED AND SAVE US BOTH A POINTLESS EXCHANGE FULL OF POINTLESS HORSESHIT
BUT NO INSTEAD HE HAD TO BE AN INSUFFERABLE BULGEBITER.
FORGIVE ME FOR THE LACK OF FUCKS I HAVE TO GIVE ABOUT HIS DELICATE SOCIAL SENSIBILITIES.

[culver]

I think he kind of expects it.
But if it means anything I am still sorry.

[crab]

YEAH WELL
THANKS I GUESS.

[culver]

What is your name?

[crab]

KARKAT VANTAS.

[culver]

I am Nill.