capeandcowl | second carcino ♋ text ♋ backdated to feelings jam. (the 8th)

[ transcript for those who don't want to wade through capslock courier. ]

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?
I MEAN, SIDE SPLITTINGLY HILARIOUS.
BRACE YOURSELVES AND TRY NOT TO HAVE A SEIZURE ON ACCOUNT OF HOW FUCKING FUNNY THIS IS OK.
I CREATED A UNIVERSE.
WELL, MY FRIENDS AND I DID.
AMAZING, RIGHT?
IN FACT IT WAS PRETTY DAMN SIMILAR TO THIS ONE.
THE UNIVERSE WE CREATED HAD A VERSION OF "EARTH", TOO, WHICH LEADS ME TO QUESTION HOW THIS ONE EVER CAME INTO EXISTENCE WITHOUT OUR INTERFERENCE, BUT I DIGRESS
I'M PRETTY MUCH A GOD.
HOW IMPRESSIVE IS THAT!
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR REWARD. TO ENTER THE UNIVERSE WE MADE AND INHABIT OUR PARADISE PLANET.
THAT'S THIS ONE.
AND RULE OVER IT.
THIS WAS OUR PRIZE. THE ONE I'D LED US THROUGH A SIX HUNDRED HOUR CAMPAIGN OF GAMEPLAY TO WIN.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GAVE IT?
WHAT I INFECTED THIS ULTIMATE REWARD WITH?
CANCER.
I GAVE
AN ENTIRE
UNIVERSE
CANCER.
HA HA HA.
YEAH.
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE HALF OF IT, NO.
THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF MY STELLAR LEADERSHIP CAREER.
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE? OF COURSE YOU DO. WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO THE DEGRADATION OF MY REMAINING SANITY AND SELF RESPECT! IT'S A GODDAMN SPECTACLE, I SHOULD BE SELLING TICKETS TO SEE THIS SHIT.
I'LL TELL YOU.
WE WERE BARRED FROM ENTRY TO THIS CANCER-RIDDEN "PRIZE" BY THE PERSONIFICATION OF THE DISEASE ITSELF.
WE HAD TO HIDE OUT IN SOME GODFORSAKEN LAB ON SOME GODFORSAKEN METEOR.
LONG STORY SHORT, WE MADE CONTACT WITH THE INHABITANTS OF THIS UNIVERSE WE CREATED. HUMANS. THAT'S YOU.
NOW, ME BEING THE HOTSHOT EXAMPLE OF MATURITY AND DISCIPLINE I AM, I IMMEDIATELY SET UP A LASER GUIDED ATTACK ON SAID HUMANS' SELF ESTEEM.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS THEIR FAULT WE'D BEEN DENIED OUR REWARD. AND THAT WE WERE ALSO ALL GOING TO DIE.
WHILE I WAS MERCILESSLY WRECKING THESE SQUISHY FLESH SACKS' HUMAN SHIT IT CAME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THEY WEREN'T ACTUALLY THAT TERRIBLE.
TURNS OUT I WAS THE TERRIBLE ONE ALL ALONG.
IN FACT IT'S HARD TO CONVEY JUST HOW TERRIBLE.
FUCK.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING THEN
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.
WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING HERE. WHY AM I DOING THIS.
IT'S SO FUCKING POINTLESS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAPPENED, WHILE I WAS BEING AN UNMITIGATED DOUCHESUCK TO A BUNCH OF ALIENS?
TROLLS DIED.
MY FRIENDS DIED.
WHILE I STOOD THERE AND WATCHED LIKE AN IDIOT
I JUST
I FROZE UP. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT. IT WAS SO FUCKING FAST.
IN FACT IF I HAD TRIED TO STOP HIM HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KILLED ME TOO.
BUT BECAUSE I WAS A USELESS SACK OF SHIT I SURVIVED.
AND
ONE OF THEM DID COME BACK.
I'M STILL NOT SURE HOW. BUT SHE DID. AND I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IF SHE HADN'T.
BUT THE OTHER DIDN'T. AND I
IF I'D JUST
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT WASN'T IT EITHER.
WHILE I'D HAD MY BACK FIGURATIVELY TURNED ANOTHER OF US
WELL
HE WENT CRAZY. INSANE. HE FUCKING LOST IT. AND WHEN MY SPECIES GOES CANKERPLANK PUSLOOPS WHAT WE TEND TO DO IS START MURDERING EACH OTHER.
AND MAYBE IF I'D PAID ATTENTION TO HIM TO BEGIN WITH INSTEAD OF MY OWN RIDICULOUS HORSESHIT I COULD HAVE PREVENTED WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
BUT AGAIN
BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF MY PAST SELF, NOW MATTER HOW UNFORGIVABLE
I FROZE UP.
I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING. I GOT SCARED, OK.
I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE SCARED OF ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL BE AGAIN.
SO I FLAKED OUT
I TOLD SOMEONE ELSE TO FIX IT FOR ME.
I TOLD THEM TO KILL HIM FOR ME.
WHICH I WISH I COULD SAY IS THE STUPIDEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE, AND IT'S FUCKING DEPRESSING AS HELL TO KNOW THAT THAT WASN'T.
BECAUSE THAT WAS INCREDIBLY STUPID.
I SENT HIM TO DIE.
BASICALLY.
AND
SOMEONE ELSE TOO.
BOTH OF THEM DIED BECAUSE OF ME.
I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE KILLED THEM MYSELF.
PEOPLE DIED WHILE I SHAT AROUND AVOIDING MY FEELINGS LIKE A SLOPSPINED WRIGGLER.
AS IF THAT WAS A NEW THING.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I DO BEST!
IN THE END I DID WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE TO START WITH.
I DON'T THINK YOU'D GET IT SO I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER EXPLAINING.
IT'S A TROLL THING.
AND I'M GLAD I DID IT.
BUT
I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT SOONER.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LESS OF A WORTHLESS ASSMONGER OF A COWARD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY SHOULD HAVE DONE?
I SHOULD HAVE LET TEREZI BE THE LEADER.
THERE
THAT'S THE JOKE.
I'M A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH
I'VE LET DOWN EVERYONE I EVER HAD THE SMALLEST SLIVER OF RESPECT FOR
I'M THE REASON FOR THE DEATH OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT.
HA HA.
I
DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.
I'M DONE.
MEMO OVER I GUESS.

I'M SORRY.

[ karkat will default to replying in text for this post. please say so if you want me to switch to voice for your character. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ kanaya leans back and holds terezi's chin in hr hand, managing a small, wan smile, filled with concern ]

That will require some sharing on your part. Suffering in silence over the matter will accomplish frightfully little.

[terezi sighs, a weary gesture in this case instead of an obnoxious one.]

I don't know what he wants from me. It's like--like before he came back everything made sense, but now everything is messed up.

He's suffered a reset. It will require time for him to acclimate to this new status quo.

I guess I just didn't expect him to be so...

[upset about it? that is just kind of sad, terezi.]

[ kanaya raises an eyebrow ]

There are a number of adjectives that could accurately complete your sentence. A firm majority of them would describe reactions typical of him.

I would advise considering carefully which word you would select.

[she huffs in frustration and tries to turn away, only partly because she feels like she might start crying again. for once she wishes she hadn't agreed to talk something out.]

If he could never even say I love you or stand to let other people see us together, why does he care? It's so stupid!

[ no no no, kanaya's still got her and she's only holding tighter now. ...though also grabbing the thread connected to a box of tissues on her nightstand. it slaps her in the arm instead of landing in her hand, but hey, at least it got there ]

He's always had some difficulty in properly expressing his emotions, perhaps as a defensive instinct. The resulting detriment is felt more by those around him than himself, and you're undeserving of that.

If he wished to pursue you properly in a scarlet manner, he should have been more considerate of that effect.

I know. It's just stupid and frustrating.

[and if she can't get away from kanaya she'll just turn her head. she's just in that kind of mood.]

[ kanaya takes a few tissues from the box and strokes terezi's cheeks ]

And understandably so. But you are fortunate enough to have others who will not hesitate to display their affection towards you.

[oh. that gets kanaya her full attention as she finally stops trying to twist away and just rests her head on kanaya's shoulder.]

Yeah, you're right.

[sometimes she gets so worked up about one thing that she completely forgets about the other things she's got going on...like the way kanaya is basically giving her a sympathy cuddle right now.]

[ this is so much easier without the fidgeting, kanaya can actually rub her back this way as she leans her head against terezi's ]

I'll never allow it to be such a secret how much I care about you.

That's because when it comes to moirallegiance, you are simply the best there is.

[there's genuine fondness in that statement, even if she does sound a little watery.]

[ .........well, maybe she is now ]

That can...all depend on who I'm paired with, really. Though there is no one better for me to be with.

I would hope not!

[cause, you know, then she would be out of a moirail so some other schmuck could get what they needed and that would suck.]

...Though I fear sometimes that I may have a far greater need of you than the reverse.

What if--what if it should occur that managing me does go beyond your capabilities? What if I'm as impossible to tolerate as even the worst among us?

That's not going to happen.

[she says it with dead seriousness.]

I'm going to make sure that it doesn't.

And what if it's something entirely beyond what you could hope to effect? Not as a result of any negligence or shortage on your part, just...that the amount of effort necessary is entirely beyond what anyone could possibly accomplish?

[ ie. what if she's just as bad as she's always suspected gamzee of being ]

That's not going to be true. [so firm.] And even if it was I'd still keep trying, because you're my moirail and that makes you my responsibility!

It can be very dangerous to moirail oneself to a monster.

[ the whole blood donation thing earlier that morning hadn't really eased this impression at all ]

So?

I just...don't want you to ultimately come to harm as a result of our arrangement.

And I don't want you to ditch me because you think it's in my best interest!

I don't...I don't want to ditch you. I need you.

I just don't expect my needs are fair to hoist upon you.

Kanayaaaaa! That's my job. It's what a moirail is supposed to do. So maybe we should talk about why you think I shouldn't be taking care of your needs.

You'll only fuss if I do.

(no subject)

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