009 [ Voice ]

[hellionated]

[ So Julian's been gone somewhere close to a week. He finds that out from a newspaper stand. For him it's been a hell of a lot longer than a week, and his head is spinning now. Memories he hadn't known were there are rising to the surface, fitting back into place. Friends, enemies, people from other worlds. Events he'd thought he'd never forget. Skrulls, Vulcanus.

God, this is weird.

And last time he'd been here, he hadn't looked like this.

He's walking through the City, metal hands concealed in his pockets. Every part of this is a mess. His powers are holding the phone to his ear, and there's no video.

He sounds like he's bored. ]

This place has good timing. I was almost in math class.

So I'm back. You can all stop missing me now. Since nothing's in pieces I'm gonna guess no one tried to destroy the place this week. Did I miss anything worth telling?

Comments

voice.

[crab]

I might be too busy to field your unsavory frothing desire for my fist in your face, but that doesn't mean I'll ever be too busy to tell you or anyone else how much of a nookmunch you are. Sometimes a man has to make sacrifices for the greater good.

voice.

[hellionated]

Yeah, you're a real hero. I'm almost impressed. What the hell is a nookmunch? As insults go that's seriously weak. Even Kanaya's better than that, but don't tell her I said so.

voice. julian pls look what you did

[crab]

What the backflipping fuck is with humans and wanting to get trolled, I swear your species has some kind of massive collective masochism complex. Fine. You want to get flamed for real, I will incinerate your pitiful self esteem and leave nothing behind but the scorched remains of your own failings as a sentient being. Your pathetic human misery secretions will do nothing to extinguish the flames of your verbal annihilation; they are the kerosene to my blaze, your unrepentant stupidity the spark that started it all. Sit tight, jackass, because you're dealing with a mother fucking god and he is about to unload righteous castigation all over your shit. Your divine punishment is imminent. Your fevered prayers for mercy unanswered.

I can do much, much worse than call you a nookmunch, puny human, you have no absolutely no inkling of what you are dealing with. I won't waste time attempting to impress upon your underdeveloped excuse for a think pan exactly what you are dealing with, however- I suspect it's far too occupied with spiritedly diddling your hideous alien genitals to your own smug "come backs", a fevered wank celebration of your own lamentable failure. That is if they haven't shriveled up and dropped off due to overuse, which may serve as an explanation for your seemingly uncontrollable compulsion to put forth your best impression of a sack of severed musclebeast phalluses. That's it! We have solved the mystery. Another compelling pan scratcher cleared up. Now why don't you do your entire species a favor and go choke on that embarrassing ego of yours and give natural selection a helping phalange, thus improving the intellect of humankind drastically.

voice. oh my god its beautiful

[hellionated]

[ Holy shit. What the hell has he just unleashed here? Tiny troll guy suddenly found a backbone, wow, that's cute. God, he must've really pushed his buttons. Backing off would be the smart thing here. ]

...Wow. All that and you still didn't answer my question. Did you hear me wrong? Should I say it louder? Maybe write it down for you?

Still, I get it. That's kind of better, you almost hurt my feelings. Almost. Which, you know, might have been closer except I don't give a shit what you think so it doesn't matter.

And are we really gonna talk about my ego when you just called yourself a god as if that's any way close to a serious thing?! That's fucking weak. Who the hell do you think you are? You're just some trumped up kid with dick jokes. [ BECAUSE HE CAN REALLY TAKE THE HIGH GROUND THERE, YEP. ]

voice.

[crab]

I didn't answer your question because it was stupid and you're stupid for asking it, and I would be stupid if I were to answer it.

I called myself a god because that is a serious thing. That isn't some baseless claim that means fuck all. I literally created a universe. [ and gave it cancer BUT NO NEED TO MENTION THAT. ] What have you done with your miserable little life?

voice.

[hellionated]

[ WHAT, this is fucking insane. And he's not buying it. This guy knows no end of ego, holy shit. ]

You didn't create a universe, you're just some kid who played too much Minecraft. Are you kidding me with this?

I'll tell you what I do. Whatever the fuck I want, all the time. [ Or at least that's what he tells himself. ] I don't need to tell bullshit lies about it either.