capeandcowl | voice; 002 ☽

Good afternoon. I hope that those of you who are enjoying lunch will forgive me for this bizarre and unprompted broadcast. I have a rather odd predicament, however. I suppose I am seeking help on behalf of my older brother. Some of you will know him as That Insufferable Shit. Others will know him simply as Dave.

He has reached that point in his life wherein he has ... suitors.

[Thought it cannot be seen, Rose is cracking her knuckles. She is smiling. There is a tome on a meteor defiled with dicks and a wound in her pride that she is a "terrible" match-maker. It's absurd. ]

Some of you may even be one these suitors! Perhaps listening to this you have the sudden notion that you would like to be one of these suitors. If you are over the age of sixteen, however, I must ask that you hold your feelings at bay. I am only dealing in legal matters of the heart. The scandal of a "pimp daddy" or "sugar mama" will only leave Dave with a sullied reputation.

[She clears her throat. ]

If you are unaware of what Dave looks like, I am attaching a helpful array of candid images to showcase him in the most positive light I can.

-- attached files:
ACoolKid.png Dave looking dashingly "cool".
ASulkyKid.png Dave upon not getting his way. Notice his adorable dimples.
ASleepingKid.png Dave, taking a nap. Notice how he remains "cool" even in slumber.
AnAngryKid.png Dave telling me to fuck off. He did not mean it. ---

I thought to settle this diplomatically. If you wish to win a date with my brother, the bidding will start at ten dollars. The highest bidder will be awarded with a chance to "get to know" my beloved older brother. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness, after all.

[She sounds entirely sincere. There is a pause. It is very dramatic.]

That was a joke. I would prefer if you laid your intentions down clearly so that I may review them with a keen eye.

On another matter entirely, I am considering enrolling into school. I would appreciate first hand encounters and tales of its halls.

--
When you are married with four beautiful children, all of whom I will name on your behalf, you will thank me. If you are red faced at this moment, either from anger or embarrassment, I suggest you think upon the dozens of "bitches" who will be queuing up to check out your "choice ass".

art is by soullux!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wow, Rose. This sure is... something!

Have no fear John, I will find your soulmate too, one day. In the mean time, if you wish to apply, your response must be no less than six hundred words.

That's okay! I think I am pretty good without either of those things happening, but I am sure that you are gonna find Dave the best soulmate you can here.

Just make sure to tell me when you do too, I want to be there to see his face when they're introduced.

He is, unfortunately, not very enthused. I think he is coy. But you and I shall stand shoulder to shoulder as they shake hands and embrace awkwardly.

That's stupid, you are going out of your way to set up a date for him, and I am being supportive about however you pick for him. We're basically the best friends he could ask for!