14 ☼ VIDEO

[sweetvalleygirl]

[Jessica is at Hudson River Park, sitting on the grass facing the Hudson and New Jersey. Beside her is Laura's still-to-be-named puppy, pouncing on a leaf blowing across the lawn.]

Brrr! It's gotten so cold all of a sudden. I can't believe it's autumn already! Before you know it, it'll be Halloween! And then Thanksgiving!

[She pats the ground and the puppy comes bounding back to her.]

Anyway, who all is going to the charity ball this weekend? I'm planning a shopping trip tomorrow after school if anyone wants to join me!

[This next part is purposely not filtered at all.]

Oh yeah! Hey, Text Guy! Hey!

[A pause.]

Jason. Yoohoo!

[She gives her most charming grin.]

Like, I know you think you're being super stealthy and stuff, but I've seen you creeping around the school. I saw you yesterday and I saw you again today, so don't try to deny it. What's the big idea? Why're you acting like such a weirdo? I know you're trying to be all scary and stuff, but sneaking around in broad daylight is not the way to do it. People are just gonna think you're a crazy stalker or something.

Comments

[undeadsidekick]

Yeah, it is. I tell you I am, then you think I'm a serial killer. I tell you I'm not, and you don't believe me anyway.

No good end here.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Nuh-uh. If you tell me you are, I'll think you're humoring me.

[undeadsidekick]

[Wait what?]

Alright, I'll level with you. If you think you'll believe me.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Why wouldn't I?

[undeadsidekick]

Okay.

[There's a big sigh here. Because seriously, why the fuck would anybody believe him.]

I'm wanted by the Gotham police for murder, a few counts of larceny, drug trafficking, illegal possession, possession of stolen goods, assault, assaulting a police officer, grand theft auto (even though it was a actually a bike and not a car but whatever the fuck), and, oh yeah, jay walking.

I'm probably forgetting something in there. My rap sheet is pretty long, so forgive me if I fuck up.

[sweetvalleygirl]

I thought you said you were careful.

[undeadsidekick]

Shit happens.

[sweetvalleygirl]

You should be carefuller.

[undeadsidekick]

I'm working on it.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Good.

In the mean time, I need you for something.

[undeadsidekick]

I'm not a killer for hire, if you want to get rid of a teacher or something.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Pfft. Puh-leeze.

We're going out this Saturday.

[undeadsidekick]

Yeah, no.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Yup. You're gonna be my date to the ball.

[undeadsidekick]

... Really.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Yes.

[undeadsidekick]

Let's ignore the fact that I'm not taking you to a school dance for a moment and focus on the fact that I've just told you I'm a murderous, criminal son of a bitch, who's probably a good 6 years older than you. I get that teenage girls have a badboy complex or whatever, but I am not the one you want to show off to your friends, or teachers, or use to make that kid in your history class who you actually like jealous.

How does this seem like a good idea to you?

[sweetvalleygirl]

First off, it's not a school dance. You'd know that if you were paying attention at all. Secondly, you're like... the tenth murderer I've met in my life. You stop being scared after the first one or two. Thirdly, if I wanted to take a real badass to the ball, I'd take Laura. She's way fiercer than you.

Anyway, you're cute and we're going, so. Deal with it.

[undeadsidekick]

You can think that.

[sweetvalleygirl]

She totally is more badass than you. Don't even try to deny it.

[voice] /threadjack

[girlverine]

[Laura has been watching this conversation with gradually increasing worry.]

...Jessica.

[voice]

[sweetvalleygirl]

Yo!

[voice]

[girlverine]

He is an admitted criminal.

[voice]

[sweetvalleygirl]

So's like... half the people on the Network.

[voice]

[girlverine]

...So?