capeandcowl | twenty-three. voice.

[Katurian sounds tired and frail. His voice carries its usual tremor.]

As a human being-- like all human beings, I make a tremendous amount of mistakes. A tremendous amount. I'm not a role model. That isn't-- That isn't something I could say.

[Vocalizing those words nearly kicks his breath away. Pause. Then, feverishly:]

I wanted to apologize for the state I found myself in this last week, a state in which-- in which many of you saw me, and I wanted to let everyone know that it was my fault. I thank you for your concern, I really do, but the most important thing for any of you to know is that it was my fault. And I don't want pity, that's never something I want, even if it seems like a very easy thing to give, even if it seems like I deserve it, because I don't deserve pity and I don't want it either. That doesn't mean I deserve to be treated like shit, g-granted, I don't want to see anyone using that as a fucking excuse, but I-- I'm--

[He catches himself. Breathes.]

But I'm all right.

[Click.]

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Satiated. Temporarily.

[Pause. Whispered, like a dirty secret:]

I really do love it.

Satiated, yes. Among other things. [He fears its wrath, fears what his defiance has inspired. Fears that the threat he made was too tempting, too all-consuming to abandon entirely.]

Desire? [He inquires, clarifying. Uncomfortable.] What isn't to love? It's the gateway to everything we want. Anything we want.

[Rushed, hushed.]

It should have been so obvious, but I was stupid, I was really fucking stupid and I didn't see it or I didn't want to see it. But Desire is necessary. Desire is necessary for everything.

My ending could be very beautiful.

Edited 2011-12-24 18:29 (UTC)

[And it occurs to Eddie, finally, that maybe this wasn't all about him after all. Maybe it was exactly just as Desire said, with no untruths woven between truths, no ironic technicalities. It was just between Desire and Katurian and that really, Desire had wanted those words from Katurian's mouth. Desire had wanted Katurian to understand his immense potential, through it. Desire wanted to give Katurian everything he ever wanted.

But really, he argued to himself, how could I not be involved? How could it not involve me? And so he didn't speak that thought, as it rushed to the back of his racing mind. He didn't speak a word on it. Instead:]

I'd guess that all the Endless are necessary to our current comprehension of life. Even Delirium. I think that's their whole thing. [Pause.] Are you, ah, planning something?

[He laughs, the sound almost drunk, and something subtle within it echoes the future. Instability. Mania.]

It feels very good, to have everything back as it should be.

Relief, a new appreciation of life. Ambition, even. You're like a reborn man.

That's why I'm indebted to you. Don't you see? Don't you see how I can't afford to ruin it?

So what are you going to do, to prevent ruination?

Anything.

That's not entirely specific. Or useful, mind, you already owe me two favors.

Let me give you the future.

[Carefully. Sternly.] What do you mean, exactly -- do you mean from your powers?

You have absolute truth. I have visuals. Specifics. I can look for exceptions, and you can-- you can circumvent them, you can anticipate them and know which questions to ask. We can really be remarkable, the two of us.

Yes, I suppose that's true. Such resources are incomparably powerful, together.

You do have plans.

You told me that I need to want.

Well it's true. How else will you induce change as crafted by yourself? If you don't want that, someone else will want it for you.

Well, I want. And I have plans. And no one is going to craft those for me, no one is going to keep me from reaching what I want.

I know what the future holds. It's not enough to just wait.

So, in the meanwhile, you're going to take. Which is what you should do, of course. Sometimes you need to take it to make it happen.

What are you going to take?

No banks.

That was necessary funding, Katurian. I'm building something.

What would you take?

What are you building?

Something I used to perform with, a long time ago. Answer my question now.

So that you know you can trust me. Right? So that you know you can trust me.

Yes, sure, whatever. Why won't you tell me?

Because in the end, it's going to come down to Vulcanus.

voice, encrypted;

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