capeandcowl | twenty-three. voice.

[Katurian sounds tired and frail. His voice carries its usual tremor.]

As a human being-- like all human beings, I make a tremendous amount of mistakes. A tremendous amount. I'm not a role model. That isn't-- That isn't something I could say.

[Vocalizing those words nearly kicks his breath away. Pause. Then, feverishly:]

I wanted to apologize for the state I found myself in this last week, a state in which-- in which many of you saw me, and I wanted to let everyone know that it was my fault. I thank you for your concern, I really do, but the most important thing for any of you to know is that it was my fault. And I don't want pity, that's never something I want, even if it seems like a very easy thing to give, even if it seems like I deserve it, because I don't deserve pity and I don't want it either. That doesn't mean I deserve to be treated like shit, g-granted, I don't want to see anyone using that as a fucking excuse, but I-- I'm--

[He catches himself. Breathes.]

But I'm all right.

[Click.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're a man who likes his stimulation.

Anything to advance the work, Edward.

You don't mind the dependency?

People don't seem to mind the human dependency on food.

The two don't quite equate. Anything unnecessary to basic survival is considered additional -- and in excess? Addiction.

And my work is my survival, and stimulation necessary to the work. I get enough lectures on my health from other corners, Edward.

You justify your addictions, for whom? Yourself or others? Because I hadn't really taken you as an individual who was preoccupied by the opinions of others.

[A beat.]

Other corners. Like John?

You asked if I minded. Why would I mind something that increased function? Take it as a justification if you want, but it doesn't need one.

[And there's no way he's going to answer that question in a way that you can use falsehood, Edward.]

I'm sure you would love to know.

Increased function unnaturally. Your talents are not your own, if their highs are counterfeit. It's unimpressive.

[He shrugs, already losing interest.]

John Watson has been of interest to Desire. Not only because of your involvement with him, mind. Though I must say, that does hold influence.

I suppose I could make a calculated guess, that he is of that sort.

[He completely ignores the first part, considering the matter closed. But he pauses a while before answering the second.]

What sort.

[Not that he doesn't already know. Not that it hasn't already been discussed. But without knowing exactly what Nygma means, he isn't going to comment on it.]

The sort who cares for you. Emotionally.

[Good. Not as he feared.]

Does he. And why would that interest Desire?

It's possessive, of its interests. It doesn't like us having other connections, that withdraw our attention from it.

[Beat.]

It wanted me to sacrifice one of mine, to save Katurian. I refused to -- so I outwitted it with another solution. It does not take kindly to such things, too often. But sometimes it does.

[He nearly types 'good thing I have none', but pauses, and deletes it. He's not sure if he wants to hear if that's a falsehood or not. Instead:]

'Other connections'. And yet I have no doubt it has a hand in forging many of them.

[And he pauses, because he has questions and he has a feeling Edward may know the answer to them, but he stops himself because he's already given away a bit too much in this conversation.]

There isn't a lot for it to take advantage of, from me.

If not all of them. But Desire is fickle and -- more importantly -- must be seen as the most important.

But Sherlock, really -- what is absent, it can simply create. Desire plays to win, like all its favorites.

[And there is the point of the question that has been nagging at him.]

And can it create something from nothing?

Can it create a wanting where there previously was none? Of course. It is desire, it can push and bubble itself anywhere.

[He had assumed, of course, but he had still felt he had one last wall to separate himself from it.

The more interesting thing was that it was a wall Desire had not yet attempted to breach. Perhaps it was a matter of last resort...]

Of course. So it can give as much as it can take away. Worth noting.

Edited 2011-12-29 08:49 (UTC)

There's much that's worth noting with Desire. But to reiterate it all would surely rob you of the chase. [He teases, of course, egging Sherlock.]

It likes to take away what you value. That's how it makes you want more.

twenty-three. voice.

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