second carcino ♋ text ♋ backdated to feelings jam. (the 8th)

[crab]

[ transcript for those who don't want to wade through capslock courier. ]

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?
I MEAN, SIDE SPLITTINGLY HILARIOUS.
BRACE YOURSELVES AND TRY NOT TO HAVE A SEIZURE ON ACCOUNT OF HOW FUCKING FUNNY THIS IS OK.
I CREATED A UNIVERSE.
WELL, MY FRIENDS AND I DID.
AMAZING, RIGHT?
IN FACT IT WAS PRETTY DAMN SIMILAR TO THIS ONE.
THE UNIVERSE WE CREATED HAD A VERSION OF "EARTH", TOO, WHICH LEADS ME TO QUESTION HOW THIS ONE EVER CAME INTO EXISTENCE WITHOUT OUR INTERFERENCE, BUT I DIGRESS
I'M PRETTY MUCH A GOD.
HOW IMPRESSIVE IS THAT!
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR REWARD. TO ENTER THE UNIVERSE WE MADE AND INHABIT OUR PARADISE PLANET.
THAT'S THIS ONE.
AND RULE OVER IT.
THIS WAS OUR PRIZE. THE ONE I'D LED US THROUGH A SIX HUNDRED HOUR CAMPAIGN OF GAMEPLAY TO WIN.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GAVE IT?
WHAT I INFECTED THIS ULTIMATE REWARD WITH?
CANCER.
I GAVE
AN ENTIRE
UNIVERSE
CANCER.
HA HA HA.
YEAH.
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE HALF OF IT, NO.
THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF MY STELLAR LEADERSHIP CAREER.
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE? OF COURSE YOU DO. WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO THE DEGRADATION OF MY REMAINING SANITY AND SELF RESPECT! IT'S A GODDAMN SPECTACLE, I SHOULD BE SELLING TICKETS TO SEE THIS SHIT.
I'LL TELL YOU.
WE WERE BARRED FROM ENTRY TO THIS CANCER-RIDDEN "PRIZE" BY THE PERSONIFICATION OF THE DISEASE ITSELF.
WE HAD TO HIDE OUT IN SOME GODFORSAKEN LAB ON SOME GODFORSAKEN METEOR.
LONG STORY SHORT, WE MADE CONTACT WITH THE INHABITANTS OF THIS UNIVERSE WE CREATED. HUMANS. THAT'S YOU.
NOW, ME BEING THE HOTSHOT EXAMPLE OF MATURITY AND DISCIPLINE I AM, I IMMEDIATELY SET UP A LASER GUIDED ATTACK ON SAID HUMANS' SELF ESTEEM.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS THEIR FAULT WE'D BEEN DENIED OUR REWARD. AND THAT WE WERE ALSO ALL GOING TO DIE.
WHILE I WAS MERCILESSLY WRECKING THESE SQUISHY FLESH SACKS' HUMAN SHIT IT CAME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THEY WEREN'T ACTUALLY THAT TERRIBLE.
TURNS OUT I WAS THE TERRIBLE ONE ALL ALONG.
IN FACT IT'S HARD TO CONVEY JUST HOW TERRIBLE.
FUCK.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING THEN
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.
WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING HERE. WHY AM I DOING THIS.
IT'S SO FUCKING POINTLESS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAPPENED, WHILE I WAS BEING AN UNMITIGATED DOUCHESUCK TO A BUNCH OF ALIENS?
TROLLS DIED.
MY FRIENDS DIED.
WHILE I STOOD THERE AND WATCHED LIKE AN IDIOT
I JUST
I FROZE UP. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT. IT WAS SO FUCKING FAST.
IN FACT IF I HAD TRIED TO STOP HIM HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KILLED ME TOO.
BUT BECAUSE I WAS A USELESS SACK OF SHIT I SURVIVED.
AND
ONE OF THEM DID COME BACK.
I'M STILL NOT SURE HOW. BUT SHE DID. AND I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IF SHE HADN'T.
BUT THE OTHER DIDN'T. AND I
IF I'D JUST
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT WASN'T IT EITHER.
WHILE I'D HAD MY BACK FIGURATIVELY TURNED ANOTHER OF US
WELL
HE WENT CRAZY. INSANE. HE FUCKING LOST IT. AND WHEN MY SPECIES GOES CANKERPLANK PUSLOOPS WHAT WE TEND TO DO IS START MURDERING EACH OTHER.
AND MAYBE IF I'D PAID ATTENTION TO HIM TO BEGIN WITH INSTEAD OF MY OWN RIDICULOUS HORSESHIT I COULD HAVE PREVENTED WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
BUT AGAIN
BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF MY PAST SELF, NOW MATTER HOW UNFORGIVABLE
I FROZE UP.
I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING. I GOT SCARED, OK.
I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE SCARED OF ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL BE AGAIN.
SO I FLAKED OUT
I TOLD SOMEONE ELSE TO FIX IT FOR ME.
I TOLD THEM TO KILL HIM FOR ME.
WHICH I WISH I COULD SAY IS THE STUPIDEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE, AND IT'S FUCKING DEPRESSING AS HELL TO KNOW THAT THAT WASN'T.
BECAUSE THAT WAS INCREDIBLY STUPID.
I SENT HIM TO DIE.
BASICALLY.
AND
SOMEONE ELSE TOO.
BOTH OF THEM DIED BECAUSE OF ME.
I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE KILLED THEM MYSELF.
PEOPLE DIED WHILE I SHAT AROUND AVOIDING MY FEELINGS LIKE A SLOPSPINED WRIGGLER.
AS IF THAT WAS A NEW THING.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I DO BEST!
IN THE END I DID WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE TO START WITH.
I DON'T THINK YOU'D GET IT SO I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER EXPLAINING.
IT'S A TROLL THING.
AND I'M GLAD I DID IT.
BUT
I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT SOONER.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LESS OF A WORTHLESS ASSMONGER OF A COWARD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY SHOULD HAVE DONE?
I SHOULD HAVE LET TEREZI BE THE LEADER.
THERE
THAT'S THE JOKE.
I'M A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH
I'VE LET DOWN EVERYONE I EVER HAD THE SMALLEST SLIVER OF RESPECT FOR
I'M THE REASON FOR THE DEATH OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE I ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT.
HA HA.
I
DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.
I'M DONE.
MEMO OVER I GUESS.












I'M SORRY.

[ karkat will default to replying in text for this post. please say so if you want me to switch to voice for your character. ]

Comments

[glowsferatu]

Im Not Concerned With His Threats So Long As Theyre Exclusively Directed At Me
I Can Prevent Outside Harm By Becoming The Target Of It But I Will Not Tolerate His Entertaining That Thought Toward You Or Any Other

[somethinglawful]

[wow this is not helping her argument that she is good at pacifying kanaya this is literally becoming the worst day]

LOOK 1LL
1LL COM3 OV3R OR SOM3TH1NG
1M SORRY 1 H4V3NT B33N 4ROUND TOD4Y
W1LL YOU JUST STOP UNT1L 1 G3T TH3R3
>:?

[glowsferatu]

No Ive Been Similarly Preoccupied It Isnt Your Fault
But Alright
Ill Disengage If You Insist

[somethinglawful]

1 1NS1ST

[and in fact she is making good on her promise of coming over, because she is realizing that she's spent basically the entire day away from kanaya, and that is not a good thing considering her recent behavior. god, she really is shitty at pacifying her. what an awful feeling.]

[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya herself only just stepped back in shortly before, having had many things to see to and inadvisably express over the course of the day. it's been since morning that she last saw terezi, so the interruption is welcome.

her communicator is off, and she's doing some tidying around the room when terezi comes in ]

[somethinglawful]

[terezi shuffles in without fanfare. she thinks that maybe she's scrubbed her face enough that's it's not obvious she was just crying, but she's wrong, and really the scrubbing probably just makes her look worse. out of all the stupid things terezi did today, her fight with karkat really took the cake.

but she is kanaya's moirail, and it is her job to pacify. she's feeling pretty guilty over the fact that she can't seem to get that job right.]

Hey. Shhhhh.

[and, of course, there's no disguising the rough note to her voice that indicates recent tears. maybe kanaya won't notice anyway, she thinks.]

[glowsferatu]

[ her face drops when she sees terezi, her mood almost palpable. god, she had been such an idiot. she'd been so caught up in that stupid clown's threats that she completely missed the meltdown that led to it.

she moves in immediately to hold terezi against her chest ]

I'm so sorry, I was acting like a fool.

[somethinglawful]

[terezi doesn't resist, letting her head droop against kanaya's shoulder.]

Yeah, I know. [wow that wasn't a nice thing to say at all, what is even wrong with her today?? she paps kanaya on the back to make up for it.] It's not your fault. I should have been paying attention.

[glowsferatu]

[ she ain't even bothered by the lack of niceness, it was her fault anyway ] No, it was. I should have been doing the same, better recognizing the context that led into this altercation.

[somethinglawful]

Gamzee pissed you off and I did a shit job of pacifying you. That's not your fault, Kanaya.

[well that isn't exactly what she intended to say when she started, but it just kind of...came out...]

[glowsferatu]

[ she blinks in confusion ] But...but I have been successfully pacified, haven't I?

[somethinglawful]

Yeah, after the damage was already done. If--

[she swallows, because this is a big admission, even under a ridiculous psychic compulsion.]

If I was a better moirail, none of this would have happened in the first place. I would have things under control.

[she's not just talking about the thing with gamzee anymore, either.]

[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya shakes her head frantically at that ]

No, no, no, no! I don't know what state I'd currently be in, if it weren't for your efforts! I need you, Terezi, and I couldn't have hoped for a better moirail than you.

It's him, it's Gamzee ruining this, he's the one who brought this situation so strongly to a head! And to so awful a discussion already...

[somethinglawful]

It's not just Gamzee, though, it's like things have been out of hand for a long time...

[she leans back a little so kanaya can see her face. her expression is earnest, almost desperate.]

I've really let you down. And probably a lot of other people too, but I'm going to figure out how to fix things. Okay?

[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya moves a hand t terezi's cheek, brushing some of the remaining teal trails away that she hadn't quite wiped ]

But you weren't the cause of these occurrences. If anything, it's my own responsibility to not overburden you with my own difficulties!

Heavens know I'm not the easiest moirail to keep, and that you would even attempt the undertaking speaks to your kinder nature.

[somethinglawful]

That's not your responsibility at all! You're supposed to be letting me help you with everything. That's the point of our relationship, isn't it? Helping each other?

[glowsferatu]

But in helping each other, I should avoiding making the burden too great, shouldn't I? It does little help to either of us if one becomes overwhelmed, it's in the sharing of it! [ and by sharing she means she takes it all instead ]

It can't all be borne on your shoulders.

[somethinglawful]

It shouldn't be all on your shoulders, either. That's what you really want, right?

[blunt moirail talk 2012.]

[glowsferatu]

Well, uh...that is the purpose of my shoulders.

...Despite your regular assurance of facts being otherwise.

[somethinglawful]

It is not the purpose of your shoulders!! First of all that is a really dumb way to put it, and second of all I wouldn't say so if it wasn't true!

[glowsferatu]

If not for that, then exactly what good am I?

[somethinglawful]

[terezi is probably ruining this moment by looking totally bewildered.]

Is that a serious question?

[glowsferatu]

Well, I certainly didn't mean it sarcastically!

[crab]

[ YEAH YOU SUCK ]

[somethinglawful]

[STFU KARKAT]