capeandcowl | voice; 002 ☽

Good afternoon. I hope that those of you who are enjoying lunch will forgive me for this bizarre and unprompted broadcast. I have a rather odd predicament, however. I suppose I am seeking help on behalf of my older brother. Some of you will know him as That Insufferable Shit. Others will know him simply as Dave.

He has reached that point in his life wherein he has ... suitors.

[Thought it cannot be seen, Rose is cracking her knuckles. She is smiling. There is a tome on a meteor defiled with dicks and a wound in her pride that she is a "terrible" match-maker. It's absurd. ]

Some of you may even be one these suitors! Perhaps listening to this you have the sudden notion that you would like to be one of these suitors. If you are over the age of sixteen, however, I must ask that you hold your feelings at bay. I am only dealing in legal matters of the heart. The scandal of a "pimp daddy" or "sugar mama" will only leave Dave with a sullied reputation.

[She clears her throat. ]

If you are unaware of what Dave looks like, I am attaching a helpful array of candid images to showcase him in the most positive light I can.

-- attached files:
ACoolKid.png Dave looking dashingly "cool".
ASulkyKid.png Dave upon not getting his way. Notice his adorable dimples.
ASleepingKid.png Dave, taking a nap. Notice how he remains "cool" even in slumber.
AnAngryKid.png Dave telling me to fuck off. He did not mean it. ---

I thought to settle this diplomatically. If you wish to win a date with my brother, the bidding will start at ten dollars. The highest bidder will be awarded with a chance to "get to know" my beloved older brother. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness, after all.

[She sounds entirely sincere. There is a pause. It is very dramatic.]

That was a joke. I would prefer if you laid your intentions down clearly so that I may review them with a keen eye.

On another matter entirely, I am considering enrolling into school. I would appreciate first hand encounters and tales of its halls.

--
When you are married with four beautiful children, all of whom I will name on your behalf, you will thank me. If you are red faced at this moment, either from anger or embarrassment, I suggest you think upon the dozens of "bitches" who will be queuing up to check out your "choice ass".

art is by soullux!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You Say You Wont Allow Him To Die Heroically
And Yet
Here You Are Endorsing The Very Situation Which Would Make That Result More Likely
If You Shouldnt Like Us To Argue In Such A Manner Then Perhaps You Would Recognize That This Scheme Is Already A Mistake In The Making
Better To Send Someone Not At Risk Of Dying Whatsoever
Who Has Experience In Physical Altercations With The Individual In Question
Someone Who Wont Require The Prodding And Bolstering And Dispelling Of Doubts
When A Monster Needs Be Dealt With You Dont Send A Reluctant Hero Unless You Have The Patience For Their Necessary Quest
When The Blood Is Spilling And The Duty Must Be Fulfilled Quickly
You Send Another Monster

Kanaya.

Precisely

This isn't over. I am postponing for the sake of more research.
And I will still find Dave a date.

Ive No Doubt Of That
But If You Operate Under The Pretense Of Doing Him A Favor
I Must Repeat My Recommendation Of Making It A Genuine One And Not Making That Date Gamzee
I May Not Be Especially Fond Of Him But No One Deserves That

Despite our previous conversation, did it not occur to you that the purpose of this was to find him someone other than Gamzee so that he might lay off for a short while?

Then Why The Long And Drawn Out Protests When I First Made The Suggestion
Was The Entirety Of This Argument Really Held Under False Pretenses

You made an assumption and I rolled with it. Admittedly, you also rustled my jimmies over my full proof plan. But regardless, this was not an open advertisement for Gamzee Makara to come in with a rose between his teeth and a severed head clutched to his chest.

Fully Proofed
Well I Suppose It Couldnt Be Foolproof When You Have So Many Fools Involved
But Then That Also Tends To Diminish The Proofing
And How Else Would You Expect Him To See This Than An Invitation To Do Just That

Probably as a sign of red conquest rather than black. Unless he has switched quadrants in the last week and I have been made unaware.

I Doubt Hed Allow The Form Solicited To Dissuade Him
Humans Rarely Think To Make The Distinction Given Their Lack Of Understanding For The Darker Quadrants

Are you criticizing my advertising methods?

When You Leave So Great A Quantity Of Material In Demand Of My Judgement How Can I Possibly Resist

Kanaya you are simply too sassy for me. Look at you, sassing away all my good intentions.

Perhaps If Your Intentions Were Suspect On Fewer Occasions I Wouldnt Have Reason To Call Them Into Question

You know me far too well.

Anyone Who Has Spoken With You On More Than One Occasion And Hasnt Come To A Similar Conclusion Probably Has Difficulties With Their Cognitive Reasoning

Egads! Are you saying that I am predictable?

Only In That You Can Be Anticipated To Not Display That Very Quality
Like The Mental Equivalent To Warning Klaxons Or Yellow Cautionary Banners

I think I have to up my game.

Oh Heavens Knows We Couldnt Risk You Surrendering To Slumber At The Navigational Station

A captain never sleeps.

Oh Have You Begun To Take Cues From Karkat Now

He is my only inspiration.

You Would Be Hard-Pressed To Discover A More Upstanding And Dedicated Source
Though If You Adopt Anything More Similar To His Habits Of Exercising Frustration We May Need To Stage An Intervention

Edited 2012-08-01 00:00 (UTC)

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