[text]

[onmyneck]

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in one long infomercial. I'm sure you've seen those awkward middle aged people fail to complete basic tasks in their daily life. In fact, at times I denied the idea that any person could be uncoordinated enough to cut their finger while chopping a large tomato in half. How wrong I was.

Unfortunately, I feel like I am that stage of my life right now. Everything is still undersaturated, and I've managed to cut off three fingers when preparing soup. Of course, I can't cook anything that doesn't involve a microwave, but let's leave that alone for the sake of my overextended simile.

Someday, I hope I will reach the point that the saturation will brighten and I'll be able to buy a handy new product for $99.99 plus shipping and handling. Maybe it'll chop up my onions quickly, or be able to send me back to my actual universe where it at least makes some vague sense. Until then, I suppose I have to cut my fingers a few more times.

In summation, I hope someone will hire me to act in an infomercial.

Comments

[onmyneck]

Let's see. I've always wanted a Magic Bullet, since I discovered its existence.

[foreshadower]

I believe I've heard of such things, albeit not in polite company. Should you be sharing that with all of us on the network?

[onmyneck]

I think you're going to need to clarify what exactly you think a Magic Bullet is before I continue this conversation.

[foreshadower]

I've heard mention of them in impolite company before. Must I spell it out?

[onmyneck]

I'd prefer a dictionary definition.

[foreshadower]

It is a device for adult women, if I have been led to believe correctly.

[onmyneck]

I think my innocence has been destroyed.

[foreshadower]

You were the one speaking of it, were you not?

[onmyneck]

It's a food blender. And unless your impolite company is using it very wrong, I doubt we're talking about the same thing.

[foreshadower]

Ah.

I see.

[onmyneck]

I'm sure your more polite company will be more than happy to use it as an effective, quick mini-blender. It even grinds coffee beans.

[foreshadower]

There is just a normal blender, you realize. What's the point in making fine food more convenient?

[onmyneck]

Large blenders just aren't jazzy enough.

[foreshadower]

But functional, and convenient. Imagine the days before blenders!

[onmyneck]

Ah, yes. The Prehistoric period.

[foreshadower]

Indeed. We must have suffered greatly.

[onmyneck]

Well, the Flintstones always did pretty well for themselves.

[foreshadower]

I don't believe we really used dinosaurs for our modern conveniences.

[onmyneck]

Unless you're a paleontologist, I don't think you're qualified to say that.

[foreshadower]

Alas, I am not. I have limited experience with the past, but I can guarantee that we had better ways of doing it in my day.

[onmyneck]

And when exactly was your day?

[foreshadower]

When isn't it my day? [ He's so witty, look at him laugh!! ]

The nineteenth century is when I hail from.

[onmyneck]

At least you're not from the 90s. You were spared a worse fate.

[foreshadower]

I lived through the nineties.

[onmyneck]

Okay. I hope you aren't trying to tell me you're a time traveler.