[text]

[onmyneck]

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in one long infomercial. I'm sure you've seen those awkward middle aged people fail to complete basic tasks in their daily life. In fact, at times I denied the idea that any person could be uncoordinated enough to cut their finger while chopping a large tomato in half. How wrong I was.

Unfortunately, I feel like I am that stage of my life right now. Everything is still undersaturated, and I've managed to cut off three fingers when preparing soup. Of course, I can't cook anything that doesn't involve a microwave, but let's leave that alone for the sake of my overextended simile.

Someday, I hope I will reach the point that the saturation will brighten and I'll be able to buy a handy new product for $99.99 plus shipping and handling. Maybe it'll chop up my onions quickly, or be able to send me back to my actual universe where it at least makes some vague sense. Until then, I suppose I have to cut my fingers a few more times.

In summation, I hope someone will hire me to act in an infomercial.

Comments

[onmyneck]

I think I'll pass. I doubt Kim Kardashian has a particularly interesting narrative for me to adapt.

[ichoosefight]

That seems like a fair assessment.

[onmyneck]

I do try to remain unbiased in my assessments of reality TV stars.

[ichoosefight]

Why, do you think they're real people or something?

[onmyneck]

I'm just too famous, that's why.

[ichoosefight]

Too famous to be biased? No such thing.

[onmyneck]

I don't want to get involved in any violent feuds. It's below me.

[ichoosefight]

Not even purely verbal violence?

[onmyneck]

I'm one classy broad.

[ichoosefight]

You're a stronger woman than I am.

[onmyneck]

I'm an integrity bodybuilder.

[ichoosefight]

That's good, I'll have to use that some time.

[onmyneck]

Make sure you mention that I hold the copyright of that joke.

[ichoosefight]

I'll print up business cards. Wouldn't want to start a lawsuit.

[onmyneck]

Good. I'll draw up a contract, and send it to your desk by five.