capeandcowl | 020 ♍ text

[ kanaya doesn't return the smile, she hasn't had anything to smile about, this least of all. she sits there considering for a moment before getting to her feet. she opens a portal next to her and walks through it, but leaves it open. there's something she needs to retrieve from her nightstand.

after a few moments, she steps back out, hands pressed against her shirt. she doesn't move them until she's closer to nepeta, kneeling down and offering the item in them to her: equius' cracked shades. ]

I think, by right, these should be yours.

[Nepeta's hands hover over the outstretched palms, almost afraid to touch the glasses as if they might disappear into nothingness with contact from the real world. she looks up at Kanaya, eyes big and face bare]

Oh. [she says eloquently, lip wobbling as for the first time in this conversation she dances dangerously close to tears. this is memory and future and hope and despair in a single pair of stupid broken glasses, belonging to a stupid broken idiot that she would trade the world for right now.

she swallows thickly and finally lays hands on them, gripping Kanaya's with them as she smiles at her again, this time a sincere expression of pain and gratitude rather than a feeble attempt to paper over her feelings]

Thank you.

[and she means it. she doesn't know where she stands with Kanaya anymore, barely even knows where she stands with herself, but she means it.]

[ kanaya hesitates a moment. she knows what she should do, but she isn't sure it's the right thing. if nepeta pushes her away, she'd have every right, but kanaya isn't sure if she should invite that kind of rejection. if she could handle it right now.

but that's stupid. this shouldn't be about her feelings, and letting them guide her has only made things worse for nepeta. if she doesn't push away, then it's what she really does need, and that's worth the risk.

and so, after a lot of indulgent deliberation, kanaya finally leans forward and wraps her arms around nepeta, resting her shoulder against the other girl's head. ]

I'm sorry. I should have said something before.

[Nepeta has no ideas where her feelings should be - or actually are, for that matter. she's been buffeted around for days now with no end in sight and above all she is tired. curling up and sleeping forever sounds like a wonderful option right now.

for all of that, though, she doesn't hesitate in flinging her arms around Kanaya in reciprocation. the thought doesn't even cross her mind. she is a girl of touch, someone who needs hugs and pets and physical proof that everything will be fine, that people care. more than anything, that's exactly what she needs right now]

Yeah. But I think we've all messed up a lot lately.

[ there's a surge of relief there. that she'd done the right thing, that she isn't completely irredeemable in nepeta's eyes, that sometimes her instinct aren't completely off. ]

But myself especially. I should know better than this if I'm to take care of things.

You're just one person, Kanaya. Nobody expects you to be able to take care of everything yourself.

[especially not when they directly involved other people. Nepeta knows all about self-reliance, but she also knows about leaning on a support network. maybe knows a little more about that now that it's gone missing here.]

[ that's part of the problem, of course. terezi's been gone a month and she's hardly been given any time there to miss her. everyone else leaving only drives that home further. ]

But someone has to make sure that it is. I can't risk leaving it unattended.

You could trust us a little more. [she doesn't mean to make it sound reproachful, but maybe it does a little. it's difficult to shed the sting of being treated like a china doll, especially when you're not certain that you're supposed to]

We could all work together and then no one has to hold everything up on their own.

I know, and I should. [ she trusted terezi, and without her she doesn't know who else to lean on. ] But Aradia seems mostly preoccupied with her own affairs, and Feferi... [ well, they'd both seen how feferi is lately. ] I don't think she's ready.

[ she could at least stand to trust nepeta more. she's certainly been worthy of it. ]

I think you should still try, even if it's just a little bit at first. There's always excuses for not starting.

[and if there's anything all of the trolls are good at, it's finding excuses.]

And maybe my own attentiveness has been an excuse for others to be lax.

Maybe a little bit. It's easier to ignore things when other people are taking care of them for you.

[ she's quiet a while, considering that. ]

Do you think I've been forcing everyone into stagnation a little that way? Taken your opportunity to grow by easing the necessity of a potential motivation?

I think it's possible. [she pulls back a little to look her in the eye] I mean you didn't tell me about the future because you basically wanted me to stay the same, right?

[ she has her on that one, but when there's still so much else going on... ]

What if I do slacken my efforts and no one steps in to compensate?

Then that's their mistake to deal with. You've got to trust that your friends can take care of themselves, even if it seems like a bad idea.

The mistake may be theirs, but there are many cases where the consequences will be on all of us.

Should I just...keep the larger responsibilities to myself, then? Let them handle the more personal ones...personally?

[ maybe that would be a good idea. less time spent being a helicopter, more spent being a breadwinner.

how much complaining will she hear if she stops making dinner every night? nepeta's pretty self-sufficient, she'll manage well enough. ...but what if she eats a bad squirrel and gets sick? kanaya will feel like an asshole. loosening the apron strings is hard. ]

It's a good place to start. [she laughs a little bit, this time more genuinely] Who knows? We might all start picking up some new skills by accident because of it.

I suppose that result would be to a collective benefit. But the transition won't be simple, the others may require instruction.

[ read: feferi will definitely require instruction. ]

Well, nobody's purrfect at furst. Pointing people in the right direction is a purretty good thing fur efuryone involved.

[so if you end up pulling Feferi out of the bay nobody's going to be particularly angry about it]

But would that really count as being so hands-off a you're suggesting?

[ if she has to do that again she is going to be so cross. she is going to start keeping a chart: it has been x days since feferi has had to be forcibly removed from sulking underwater. ]

If you keep slowly backing off as they get a handle on everything, yeah. It'd be pretty stupid to expect you to be able to just drop off completely right from the start.

[and for every week she remains on land she receives a new fish for the aquarium as a prize]

I guess that could work. If I can even be capable of effecting the transition properly.

[ as long as nepeta doesn't try catching the fish...before or after their introduction to the tank. ]

Well, it's not like you'd be doing it alone! I'll help if I can.

[hey now, Nepeta doesn't eat pets. das mean. :((]

How is that? Just...helpfully bugging me when I'm not meeting the maneuver properly?

[ no one said anything about eating! maybe she tried fishing them out of a pond to put in the tank. maybe she wanted to play with them after. ]

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