capeandcowl | Ver 3.9

Entry tags:

tony stark | iron man

Ver 3.9 | Video

[ Welcome to Tony Stark's very swank lab, in the bowels of his company. There isn't much there, the way the camera's angled, just Tony Stark's head from above, and he's accompanied by a large sea turtle (with a human penis attached) and a few scattered sheets of metal that haven't been worked yet. The camera faces down, which means Stark looks up at the camera, giving it a look. Lately, he's gone back to the mustached look, instead of the goatee. His hands spread across the table, like he's using it to hold himself up. ]

I'm not normally one to look down on someone using science to move forward. Hell, I'd fund them, if I thought they'd take it. That's kind of the point of being a futurist, is trying to figure out ways to improve our future, and I do mean that, the communal our. Unfortunately, we have some people who get in our way at every turn, and no matter how much we look, the rabbit hole gets deeper.

I took something of a vacation recently, with a few other people, and we thought -- hey, wouldn't a diving trip be fun? But wouldn't you know it? After we head into the warm carribbean waters, there's someone determined to make our lives a living hell. I mean, keeping us out of countries, sure, and I suppose it's our fault for heading to the Caymans, because of their connection with Britain, but hey, we had every right to be there.

Anyway, when we went diving, we ran into an issue. You see, being curious, spunky imports as we are, we decided to investigate the oddities underwater. The weird thing was, we found something in there. It wasn't your standard...oddly placed underwater storage facility, it was your average underwater shadowy organization research center. Complete with, [ he gestures to the turtle with a human penis attached to it ] mutated animals. Now see, there wasn't much there. I guess we startled them, or maybe they were afraid we'd get too close eventually, but there were some interesting notes. Apparently, this thing here [ he gestures to the dick on the turtle ] was supposed to launch fire. Talk about sexually transmitted diseases. This wasn't the only one, either. I mean, the rest were other body parts, but it looks like the same thing could have applied to those too. They were mutating them to have powers.

Just think abot that.

As someone who's used technology to give myself something comparable to powers, I think I have a hell of a position to be pretty outraged by this. Who knows, they do this, what's next, they build an army of... [ He looks down at the turtle, well, it wouldn't be an army of turtles with dicks that shot fire, but... ] people with powers to take us out?

Don't lose your vigilence. It was a team effort that led to some of us figuring this out. The more we work together to take care of them, the better off we'll be.

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What's going to happen to the turtle tho.

[ So. Much. Silence. ]

Yeah, that's. I got nothing. I'm pretty stuck on... Yeah.

It's always easier to get funding when dicks are involved.

[Did you forget there was a three year old who could see this, Tony?

Anyway, she doesn't care about your dickturtle.]

I have data.

Great balls of fire.

[ how many dicks can you fit into one post?
a question that may haunt her. ]

Were they all such basic-offensive powers, do you know? That they were manufacturing.

That's only the next logical step, isn't it? Working on humans, instead of animals.

[ She sounds a little tired, but that's only to be expected. A beat, and then: ]

Should I drop by to return your equipment? I don't think I'll be making any trips to Antartica again anytime soon.

And, of course, the question that's been missed here: where did they get it?

Edited 2013-06-23 06:18 (UTC)

Oh, good Lord. That's... Almost silly.

Get that poor thing some trousers.

Wait, you go on a vacation and come back with that to show for your efforts?

[ This is one seriously grossed out teenager girl. ] Nasty.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

What good is dick that shoots fire on an animal that spends the majority of its life in the ocean? [Guess who watched National Geographic last night.] Poorly planned, that's all I'm saying.

[Gesicht looks...mildly confused. Humans.]

I can't say I see the benefit of such experiments.

Oh my God! That poor turtle!

[ For someone still recovering from his own trip to Antarctica, Archer looks pretty alert. And also unimpressed. ]

Ugh, seriously...?

[Mordin has the communicator set up next to his computer, and is typing as he talks.]

Thank you for making announcement, Tony. Saves time for research. Trying to determine why Vulcanus would use turtles as test animals. Reptiles usually poor choice for grafting mammal tissues. Theorizing relation to organs taken from TiraForsae natives.

[Mordin pauses to inhale.]

Would like to study turtle if you keep it. Might still have more secrets to find.

[Rua takes in a breath and clears his throat - for a second, it looks as if he actually has something serious and intelligent to contribute. That lasts all of another second or so before he breaks down laughing, like. Well, like a 15-year old who just saw a turtle with a dick.]

Pffffgggghhhehehehehehehehehehshhh- the turtle has a d-dick that was - was supposed to shoot fiiiiiireee! Oh my god, that's - that's too much! That's too perfect! [For a second, it looks like he's having trouble breathing. Eventually, he gets the laughs under control, though and straightens back up.]

So. Um. You said there were others - were they uh. Uhhhhpffff. [And he breaks down again before he even gets the question out.]

Oh god, I'm sorry, I - I can't breathe!

... So that'th not normal?

[The internet has ruined this child.]

Edited 2013-06-25 02:13 (UTC)

Are there any scientists ever who don't try to pull crap like this?

Jesus christ, that chap's like a sodding tripod. Or a pentapod. [...? Pentapod? Whatever, he can't be bothered to think of the right word, he's too distracted with penis.]

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