capeandcowl | eight □ video. joint.

[ The video opens on a sub-basement laboratory of the Xavier Institute. There stands who else but...Sydney Greenstreet? He gives the audience a small, knowing smile as he stands there in his rotundity in a black suit, holding a cigar. ]

Mm hmm hmm. I distrust a man whose trust for other men is determined more by his trusts than his distrusts. There is no trust without discretion, and in that scrutiny we develop the distrusts that determine our interactions with the world at large. I do like a man who tells you upfront that he distrusts you, saves the time of founding a trust that only disguises the true distrust present.

[ Once he's done he gives his audience a very stern look that holds for all of five seconds before it starts to crack, erupting into a hearty laugh. When he continues, his voice is different, now a rich, purring baritone that may sound familiar. ]

I'd like to present to you the X-Club's latest invention, a new take on an old classic... [ He fusses with something on his wrist, and his black suit turns with with a small red fez on his head that's more Casablanca than Maltese Falcon, until finally the illusion dissipates to reveal the slightly hunched form of Hank McCoy. ] ...the image inducer!

[ Hank straightens himself to his proper height, and the camera pans out to accommodate, now including Madison Jeffries in the picture to his left. ] This baby brings back memories. It works by projecting a hologram over its wearer, allowing them to appear however they like, and voice modulation to complete the disguise. Back in the day, those of us whose mutations were more visibly apparent used to use these to facilitate our free movement through society. These days, it doesn't really come up as often.

[ Madison cuts in, fiddling with something behind his back -- his hair looking a little off, pulled away from his face. ]

We still reckon it’s a highly utilitarian tool that might come in handy for imPortkind, if we iron out the kinks. Uh. We got a handful of secondary and tertiary projects bein’ worked on; most a’ them are distraction-like. "Distraction-like" only in that we have other primary projects, but they all have their applications. No matter how seemingly frivolous.

Actually! [ Hank nudges Madison with his elbow with an excited grin. ] Why don't we show them that other one we finished yesterday?

Aaah. [ For a second, Madison looks rather uncomfortable -- mortified, mostly. ] We don’t gotta show them everythin’. [ Hank spreads his arms, his smile growing wider. ] Ohhh, none of that now! There's no need to be shy.

[ Madison throws him a mildly despairing look, then reaches behind his head to pull off what appears to be a rubber band; his hair falling down in a rather luxurious, white-streaked wave. Hank beams. ]

He’s buyin’ me a haircut later. Entirely worth it. [ Madison sighs, blowing a loose strand away from his face. Vaguely, with a wave: ] It’s a, uh. Hair thing. T’sall. Enzymatic overdrive a’ follicular cells, yadda yadda. Whatever. Guaranteed to give you hair like Ka-Zar overnight! [ Hank says it with a wink. ]

Anyhoo, we’re on the tail end a’ publishin’ the results a’ the headline project, but if y’wanna donate a hint a’ tissue for the sciences... it’d be much obliged, yeah? There were some concerns last time it came up that I wasn't... [ In the mood to deal with. ] ...available to answer, that we'd like to be more upfront with now. What we're looking for for is proof of physiological connections between imPorts that are absent in the native populace, so obviously we'll need a reasonably sized sampling pool of imPort volunteers.

So, y’know, with that lil’ hint a’ clarity -- please? We got cash, alright?

[ They both give big, slightly desperate smiles for the camera before the feed cuts. ]

red is madison, blue is hank

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, you're trying to find common genetic traits between and exclusive to all imports, and not just the ones who come from similar or shared universes?

[Beat.] Nice Fabio-izer. No Harlequin cover will ever need Photoshop again.

[ awkward shifting! ]

That's all we're s-sayin'. But, uh. The hair. Uuh.

Eh, fair enough. Sorry I can't volunteer, but, well -- [He gestures to his mask.] You know how it is.

Oooh, I know! If you run out of funding, you can do L'Oreal commercials!

Right, right. You people and your ― oh, god, no. Masks? Agh.

What? Did I get ketchup on it?

[He tugs out the bottom, peering at it probably-cross-eyed through his lenses.]

Naw, it's, uh. It's alright.

Y'ever get tired a' wearin' that getup?

Well, I can't say it doesn't ride up sometimes, and it could do with a little winterization, but it suits me pretty well. Heh.

I mean the [ vague wave!! ] secret ID bullcrap, yeah?

Neither Alpha Flight nor mutie―aaants. [ glances apologetically at hank. ] We didn't have any use a' that stuff. None a' us bothered.

You say it's bullcrap -- wouldn't that be bullhockey? sorry -- I say it's what keeps my family and friends safe. The thing about a secret identity is that it's a mask you can take off only once.

[Unless you have a buddy who's Sorceror Supreme and two super-geniuses who feel sorry for you. But nevermind that...]

Ah, right. Y'have friends and family.

People tend t'have those fellers ditch 'em when the powers and aptitude crap kick in.

Oh. Yeah, there is that.

I guess I'll just assume everyone wearin' a mask is a lucky sonovagun.

Lucky.

I ... guess I can't argue with that, really.

[It's not Spidey's fault he has an Aunt May, okay.]

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[Hank frowns down at his image inducer.]

I don't think I've programmed Fabio into this one yet, come to think of it.

Tsk, tsk. Letting your side down, Dr. McCoy.

[Fine then, he taps a button and you get Clark Gable.]

I wouldn't be so hasty, Mr. Spider. Ours is a style that simply appeals to a more classic set.

You know, the eighties and nineties aren't far from being "classic" themselves. There's a thought to keep you up nights.

[Another tap, he shifts again, back to...himself? but look all much that grey is sneaking into his mane, and you'd almost swear you could see more wrinkles in the brows and nose.

Did he really program in an older simulation of himself on a lark? Seems that way.]

Oh, Webhead, you'll make me feel old with that kind of talk!

Aw, the ladies dig a hep cat with a little grey in his mane.

[He raises a hand to flip his hair at one side.] Well, maybe that's what I've been missing then. I should bring this one out to the clubs on Friday night, obviously.

Think of all the free drinks you'll get! Put some hair on your chest.

There's a more missing in that sentence. Really, I think I've got enough to share already! Maybe we could spread it to the other patrons.

I'm sure the indie punk rock kids would go for it. Wait, is punk rock still a thing?

And how badly did I date myself even asking that question?

It would probably be worse against someone with even a passing familiarity with indie punk rock. Luckily, you're talking to me instead. I don't hear the students go one about that nearly as much as, say, Carly Rae Jepsen.

[Does this mean Hank has done his research on Call Me Maybe? The dude has got to stay relatable, he pays far too much attention to Top 40.]

Aaaaand earwormed. Thanks for that, pal.

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