capeandcowl | [video]

[The camera comes on but it's not being held right. It starts showing the view of a sidewalk but as the recording goes on it sort of spins slowly around, like the man holding it is playing with it, not realising what it does exactly. He knew enough about it to know vaguely what it's supposed to do, since he had been sitting for hours playing with it, working through the welcome-to-the-City literature, and trying not to have a meltdown and wondering if maybe the poison had killed him and this was some weird afterlife test--thus is why it's recording and why he sorta knows what to do with it, is what I'm saying. When the camera passes past the owner of the comm, you see a man with a decidedly dorky face and an even dorkier helmet on.]

Is it a hero you need? Rest easy, strange metal city, you have Joxer the Mighty on your side now! No other heroes are necessary, everyone else can retire or go into the pottery business or herd sheep or something. I'm on it.

[He sniffs self-importantly and looks into the distance in what he thinks is a handsome, heroic way like Hercules would. It's just too bad the camera is at a bad angle, showing a close, uncomfortable view of the underside of his nose as the central focus.]

So . . . what is it this time? Marauding hordes of looters? Pah, old hat! If I was brought here it had to be for something epic. A chimera maybe--No, a hydra, that's worthy of my marvelous skills and unerring, weasel-like craftiness. Yeah. . . [He squints into that heroic distance, nodding slow and solemn like that's the best option.] Yeah, that sounds about right. Just show me the way, little box. [He points the phone at the distance he's squinting at, shaking it as if it would magically point him in the right direction.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's totally for sissies! But there's plenty of other things to do. Grape stomping I hear is fulfilling. Get to keep what's stuck between your toes afterwords.

Grape stomping? Why would you stomp grapes?

To make wine, duh. I guess if you didn't know that you're not good grape stomping material.

I would be awesome at grape stomping. How hard can that even be?

Easier than pottery making, lemme tell you--er, I mean, I wouldn't know. Being a warrior and all.

Warriors don't do pottery?

Of course not! It's a sissy job! People need their jars for the oils and goat's blood so it's a perfectly good job . . . if you're a sissy. Which I am not.