capeandcowl | Entries tagged with † joxer

[He has better control of the comm this time around, but it still moves around a lot as he talks. Still in the stupid helmet et al.]

Screw this! I've been search for weeks and I still can't find Dike! It's really unfair for her to make me look for her, since this whole city has more people than, like, the whole city-state I was born in.

There's no harm in asking people for help, right? Even Hercules has asked me for help! Has anyone seen the Goddess of Law around? She was kind of small, dark haired, kinda mouthy, no disrespect intended, has an army of raccoons, whatever those are. I saw a guy had married her a couple weeks ago, and I hope he knows what he's getting into marrying a goddess like that. The mortals always get the short end of the stick in these things. Usually being abandoned and, like, torn apart by vicious animals or getting turned into a tree.

Really, in general getting involved in gods' businesses gets you in deep. If they come down and ask you to do a beauty contest, don't do it, you'll just start a big dumb war. And if you're better at something than a god, don't actually do it better than them when they come down and challenge you, you'll just get turned into a spider and probably stepped on, because spiders are gross. And while on the subject of gods and animals, no matter how gorgeous that swan or bull is that you found, just don't sleep with it, it's not worth the cost of building a whole labyrinth for your freak kid.

[Pause.] ....Wait, where was I? Oh, right, Dike, where is she?

[ooc: He's looking for April, but thinks she's a greek goddess because he's pretty stupid.]

hesverytidy

[The camera comes on but it's not being held right. It starts showing the view of a sidewalk but as the recording goes on it sort of spins slowly around, like the man holding it is playing with it, not realising what it does exactly. He knew enough about it to know vaguely what it's supposed to do, since he had been sitting for hours playing with it, working through the welcome-to-the-City literature, and trying not to have a meltdown and wondering if maybe the poison had killed him and this was some weird afterlife test--thus is why it's recording and why he sorta knows what to do with it, is what I'm saying. When the camera passes past the owner of the comm, you see a man with a decidedly dorky face and an even dorkier helmet on.]

Is it a hero you need? Rest easy, strange metal city, you have Joxer the Mighty on your side now! No other heroes are necessary, everyone else can retire or go into the pottery business or herd sheep or something. I'm on it.

[He sniffs self-importantly and looks into the distance in what he thinks is a handsome, heroic way like Hercules would. It's just too bad the camera is at a bad angle, showing a close, uncomfortable view of the underside of his nose as the central focus.]

So . . . what is it this time? Marauding hordes of looters? Pah, old hat! If I was brought here it had to be for something epic. A chimera maybe--No, a hydra, that's worthy of my marvelous skills and unerring, weasel-like craftiness. Yeah. . . [He squints into that heroic distance, nodding slow and solemn like that's the best option.] Yeah, that sounds about right. Just show me the way, little box. [He points the phone at the distance he's squinting at, shaking it as if it would magically point him in the right direction.]