capeandcowl | STAGE 13

Entry tags:

† shinji ikari | third child

STAGE 13 - [voice]

I've been putting this off, because I didn't want to deal with it, but it looks like I can't just ignore it any longer. [Without people prodding at him, anyway.]

So, here: I'm sorry about that...whatever that posted as me last month. Like the others, it wasn't really me. Mostly, I think. The whole deal is complicated, and I don't really get it, but I know it said some hurtful things and I thought I should apologize. And to the people who didn't know me before then, I wanted to say I'm not really like that. [most of the time.]

There. That's all..

[Private to Kanaya Maryam]

You win. Happy?

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[Shinji slides into the chair and still looks uncomfortable, even with all the hospitality Kanaya is showing. He fiddles with the handle of the tea cup and looks around the room before he can find nothing to focus his attention on but her.]

I suppose I do owe you an explanation for everything. After...you know. What happened.

A little.

[ she stirs her tea idly, waiting for him to start. eventually, she takes a sip and gives him a prompt to start from. ]

I suppose I don't really know much about your native world, aside from giant robots and people who don't want you.

Most people don't. Yuma knows a lot of the details, and Roxy knows a few but nothing major. Nothing like what I'm going to tell you.

[He honestly hates talking about himself. It almost physically hurts, but he has to. Maybe it'll even help him feel better.

He stares down into the tea.]

I'm the pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, and I kill monsters. Things called Angels. If I don't, they'll destroy the world.

[ she continues stirring her tea as she listens. angels, it always has to be angels. she isn't about to let herself lose another friend to being consumed by such a quest. ]

Past tense, you mean. You killed monsters, not kill.

It must have been a trying duty.

[He almost laughs, simply because of the accidental understatement in that phrase. Instead, he sips the tea.]

That's one way to put it. And yeah, past tense. For now. We both know that could change any day.

It's true that there is no shortage of monsters here on our worst days, but that shouldn't necessitate your engaging them. You deserve the reprieve.

[ that's her job, the best purpose she's found for herself here. she takes on the worst to spare everyone else, shinji included. ]

[He shakes his head.]

No, if it's my responsibility, and sometimes it is, then I have to-

[This is going the exact direction he wad afraid of.]

I can't just stand by, no matter how much I want to.

[ she reaches out to place a hand on his wrist. ]

Shinji, you don't have to put yourself through it anymore. You can do better things with your life here.

[ because she's still under the mistaken impression that he's not as ruined as she is. ]

[He pulls it away immediately.]

It's not that simple, Kanaya! I can't-I can't fail to act. Not again.

[ she draws back her hand slowly, resting it in her lap as her expression grows grimmer. ]

Why not? What is it that you're so afraid of?

It's not about being afraid!

[He grabs the side of his head, like he's trying to keep it together.

And failing.

There's a few seconds of silence punctuated by ragged breathing before he speaks, voice cracking.]

I killed my best friend, Kanaya. I killed him by doing nothing when I should have tried.

[ she gets up from her chair when he clutches his head, hands on the table. ]

Hey. [ crossing around it, she skeels slightly to grip his shoulders. ] Hey! Look at me.

[ fear of failure, fear of inaction. like how she blames herself for feferi's death? no, she'd armed her killer. more like how karkat blames himself for her own. ]

Inaction on its own, by its very definition, doesn't put the blood on your hands. Never spare the blame from the one who struck the blow because you hadn't prevented them.

Could you even have done so if you had acted? Or would you only have been added to the corpse pile?

[He locks eyes with her, and for a second there's a look in them Shinji hasn't had since he came to the City. One of absolute certainty. He steadies himself and says the one thing he really didn't want to.]

Yes. I could have. Instead, I was willing to die and let the world go with me because I was worried about maybe harming him.

[He's angry again. Not at her, though.]

That's the choice I made. It was wrong, and I'm going to have it on my head for the rest of my life.

[ she leans back a little, not at all understanding what he's trying to say. ]

So, what, you killed him by deciding not to kill him?

No, I-

[He steadies himself once again before starting over.]

He was in an Evangelion, too. One that had been taken over by an Angel. I was the last person who could do anything about it, and if I had fought, I could have disabled it. I could have saved him.

[His eyes shut tight, like he's trying to block out the image of what came next.]

But I didn't. I was willing to let the Eva kill me, just to avoid it. And then my- [a pause.] commander activates some kind of autopilot. It didn't- [His voice cracks again.] It didn't care about whoever was inside, just about taking the Eva down as fully as possible.

There wasn't much left.

[ her expression hardens, the grip on his shoulder grows tighter. there's a frightening look in her eye, one shinji wouldn't have seen often, but his shadow would have known fairly well. ]

Tell me your first act in this resolution against inaction was toward this commander of yours.

I tried.

[Oh lord how he tried.]

But it doesn't change what happened. The blame is just as much mine as it is his.

What you're doing right now? It's stupid. It's pointlessly punishing yourself because no one else will.

[ project some more why don't you, girl. ]

The blame isn't even. You might have been able to handle it with more finesse than this commander if you had the initiative, but his lack of that finesse is on his own head.

The autopilot or whatever-it was all he could do. If it hadn't been stopped there-

[He shakes his head.]

If I had acted, I could have saved him. That's a fact, Kanaya. Maybe it's pointless punishment, but that doesn't suddenly make me feel any better about what I did.

Some people don't deserve to be happy, and I gave up that right when I killed him.

You don't strike me as someone who has ever spent much time being happy to begin with, Shinji.

Heh.

[That's almost a laugh, and that's almost a smile. Almost.]

I could say the same for you, and you're doing okay. If we weren't so much alike, I wouldn't be telling you any of this. But...you understand, don't you?

[ she pulls up the chair behind her, propping her head up on an arm. ]

Only too well.

But I... [ she closes her eyes and groans, she doesn't even know why it is, but it always happens. ] ...I never react well to others in the same position. I hate just...knowing that they're experiencing them.

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STAGE 13 - [voice]

action;

action;

action;

action;

Re: action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action;

action; oh my god does he try

action;

action;

action;

action;