capeandcowl | joint post / video

[Hi, network. The last time you saw these two was right before they shrunk a number of you.

Only being as much of a sociopath as the average three year old, and having a much better understanding of consequences, Val realizes they have to apologize. And that it has to sound sincere. Fortunately, she's a great liar.

Calvin's on his own.]

Hi, everyone. According to my calculations, the Pym particle effects should have entirely worn off by now. As far as I know, no one was seriously injuried.

[Injuries to pride, dignity, and relationship status don't count.]

Yeah, and I'm sure everybody's really glad about that. I for one have spent enough time running away from ants to last my whole life!

[Calvin looks just thrilled about the whole adventure. He's standing next to Val, wearing his ordinary red shirt now instead of that ridiculous lab coat.]

Anyway, as the head visionary of this project and the original genius behind the experiment, I feel I ought to apologize to everyone...

[Calvin's not a great liar. He's actually a terrible liar. Fortunately, he has other talents, like deflecting responsibility. He points at Valeria and starts yelling.]

...for letting this absolute chowderhead anywhere near my inventions!

[Having had the deluxe-package Calvin Experience over the last few days, Val is prepared for something like this, but her exasperation is genuine, because you climbed on the laser, Calvin, and she puffs out an annoyed sigh.]

I do accept responsibility for letting an unqualified observer like Calvin into the lab. I should have seen something like what happened coming a mile away. I'm really sorry to everyone I inconvenienced, and I won't be "collaborating" [the sarcasm quotes on that would be audible in a vacuum] with him anymore.

[You know, when Tony lets her back in one of his labs sometime a decade from now.

Aside from the swipes at Calvin, which come paired with with a truly masterful bit of sideeying, it's an Oscar-worthy performance--she practices seeming contrite on Susan Richards, after all. And she does feel a little chastened. Having an experiment go this badly wrong is beneath her.

Calvin nods along, still pointing the finger of accusation.]

That's right, you won't be, because you are fired. You're the worst assistant I've ever had, and my last one was a ferocious jungle cat!

[Long story.]

You heard her, she accepts responsibility for everything being her fault. So that settles it!

[He turns to Val.]

You can get pelted with refuse by the angry mob, and I'll just take my new shrink ray back home and keep perfecting it, without you messing things up.

[Val looks at him for a second in disbelief. Does he not realize she actually just blamed it all on him? Wait, dumb question.]

Yeah, okay.

[Suddenly, Calvin goes sliding out of his seat and onto the floor with a thump as she pushes him out of the frame with an invisible force field. Val reaches forward and the video ends.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The look's not very effective, but maybe it's being deflected by Calvin's ego.]

Considering how much evidence you've provided validating my opinions, I think I do!

Okay, let's be generous and assume your observations are correct instead of being the result of confirmation bias--that's still an unwarranted inductive generalization. You are a really sloppy thinker.

[Tsk, Calvin.]

[Calvin grits his teeth.]

What, are you claiming your incompetence is the exception to the rule? I suppose it's possible that your buffoonery is above-average for your gender. Even Susie Derkins never managed to mess up a whole City, back in my world.

Susie?

[Her mother's name is Susan.]

If she had to deal with you on a regular basis, the fact that there wasn't a catastrophe is probably dumb luck.

[Val is passingly surprised Calvin never got hit by a car or fell off the top of the monkey bars back home.]

[The boy nods, trying not to show that mentioning her name gives him a pang. Deep down, Hobbes isn't the only one he misses from his life back home (where he totally fell off the monkey bars sometimes).]

She's a jerk with an 'A' average and no imagination. You and her would get along great.

[Speaking of pangs...]

That's my Mom's name.

[Though only Uncle Ben calls her by that particular nickname.]

I'd probably never meet her. I don't go to school...well, not regular school. I wouldn't do well.

[Besides the fact she's barely old enough to qualify for preschool, the words "acting out" would take on a whole new meaning. Val does not tolerate boredom constructively.]

Really? Huh, small multiverse.

[Calvin sits down, the aggression draining out of him. At least for the moment.]

What do you mean, you wouldn't do well? You talk like you know everything and care about rules and stuff. I bet you'd score perfect on all their dumb tests.

I don't care about rules. I just don't go around breaking them for no reason.

[Val's primary interest in the law is in not getting caught.]

Of course I'd score perfectly on tests. If you put the GED test in front of me now, I'd ace it. What possible use could I get out of being cooped up in a classroom for eight hours a day? Even if they skipped me to first grade or something, I'd be surrounded by kids who can't be trusted not to eat the paste.

[She's guessing. She has absolutely no idea what normal children are like...and knowing Calvin doesn't really help with that at all, does it?]

[Calvin sighs he feels this.]

Trust me, you're better off. School is boring. Xavier's isn't as bad as back home, but that's just because there is cool superpowered stuff going on. And other kids are usually a bunch of clueless dolts.

[He scowls.]

And then there are bullies. There's nothing like having some gorilla slam you into the dirt and being told it's 'physical education!'

Bullies? Isn't hitting the other kids against the rules?

[Val is, in some ways, extremely sheltered.]

[Calvin scoffs. Haha rules that's cute Val.]

Yeah, but kids like Moe don't care about the rules and I don't think any of the teachers care about Moe. It's a grim equilibrium.

[She assumes lesser beings get caught by rules.]

But...that's awful. They're supposed to take care of you.

[Build a shrink ray? Sure. Understand human behavior? Not really.]

Yeah, well, letting the centipedes loose in the teacher's lounge might have weakened their motivation.

[Calvin shrugs. He regrets nothing, having a few issues with human behaviour himself.]

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