capeandcowl | joint post / video

[Hi, network. The last time you saw these two was right before they shrunk a number of you.

Only being as much of a sociopath as the average three year old, and having a much better understanding of consequences, Val realizes they have to apologize. And that it has to sound sincere. Fortunately, she's a great liar.

Calvin's on his own.]

Hi, everyone. According to my calculations, the Pym particle effects should have entirely worn off by now. As far as I know, no one was seriously injuried.

[Injuries to pride, dignity, and relationship status don't count.]

Yeah, and I'm sure everybody's really glad about that. I for one have spent enough time running away from ants to last my whole life!

[Calvin looks just thrilled about the whole adventure. He's standing next to Val, wearing his ordinary red shirt now instead of that ridiculous lab coat.]

Anyway, as the head visionary of this project and the original genius behind the experiment, I feel I ought to apologize to everyone...

[Calvin's not a great liar. He's actually a terrible liar. Fortunately, he has other talents, like deflecting responsibility. He points at Valeria and starts yelling.]

...for letting this absolute chowderhead anywhere near my inventions!

[Having had the deluxe-package Calvin Experience over the last few days, Val is prepared for something like this, but her exasperation is genuine, because you climbed on the laser, Calvin, and she puffs out an annoyed sigh.]

I do accept responsibility for letting an unqualified observer like Calvin into the lab. I should have seen something like what happened coming a mile away. I'm really sorry to everyone I inconvenienced, and I won't be "collaborating" [the sarcasm quotes on that would be audible in a vacuum] with him anymore.

[You know, when Tony lets her back in one of his labs sometime a decade from now.

Aside from the swipes at Calvin, which come paired with with a truly masterful bit of sideeying, it's an Oscar-worthy performance--she practices seeming contrite on Susan Richards, after all. And she does feel a little chastened. Having an experiment go this badly wrong is beneath her.

Calvin nods along, still pointing the finger of accusation.]

That's right, you won't be, because you are fired. You're the worst assistant I've ever had, and my last one was a ferocious jungle cat!

[Long story.]

You heard her, she accepts responsibility for everything being her fault. So that settles it!

[He turns to Val.]

You can get pelted with refuse by the angry mob, and I'll just take my new shrink ray back home and keep perfecting it, without you messing things up.

[Val looks at him for a second in disbelief. Does he not realize she actually just blamed it all on him? Wait, dumb question.]

Yeah, okay.

[Suddenly, Calvin goes sliding out of his seat and onto the floor with a thump as she pushes him out of the frame with an invisible force field. Val reaches forward and the video ends.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ He rubs his eyes. Are all three year olds this much trouble, or is it only the ones that happen to be geniuses? ]

I can't believe you just said that to me.

Val. You are not at any point going to have to single-handedly take down Galactus. Geez.

And even if you were? That doesn't explain why you were playing with a freaking shrink ray, or why you took someone like Calvin with you! Are you really gonna spin the story that this was all for the greater good? Cause there's a lot of gullible people that'll fly with, but I'm not one of them.

[Mostly just Val. You can distract the other ones with juice boxes.]

Pym particles are useful to have on hand, and the shrink ray was proof-of-concept! I now know how to channel any given subatomic particle across--ugh, never mind.

[Everything is always science!!! Obviously it's most important to clear up the misconceptions about the applications of the device before discussing anything else.]

Calvin was a huge miscalculation. I thought he'd be more like Bentley. But you're right. I need to be more careful since I don't have Dad or the rest of the Future Foundation to bounce things off of.

[Point: missed.]

[ God, she's a stubborn little kid combined with the world's cockiest scientist. No wonder she likes Tony Stark so much, they're almost like the same person. ]

That's not what I said! Do you have your own soundtrack playing?

[ Let's just...not leave room for interpretation here. ]

Val, you are not your dad. No one expects you to be. That's crazy.

[Juliaaaaan you don't understaaaaand.]

The multiverse is dangerous and there's a lot of room for error. If Dad's not here, I have to do what he would do.

[Val needs a good therapist.]

[ Wow, don’t whine at him. ]

Says who?! You think the Avengers are totally useless?

[ Well, in all fairness… ]

You know what, there’s more than just them. This whole freaking City is full of heroes who are all kinds of crazy about protecting it. You don’t have to represent the F4 just because no one else is. You think your dad would want you to do that?

[They kind of are, come on.]

Dad would want me to use my judgment.

[Val is overestimating how much faith her father has in her decision-making capacity.]

Yeah, I think your dad would want you to be safe. [ A pause, and he gives her a hard frown. ] Don’t make me babysit.

[ Because he’s so awesome on that front that it’s probably worth threatening her with. ]

I'd be taking care of you.

[Let's not kid ourselves; Laura was the only adult in that issue.]

And people say my ego’s a problem.

[ Get out, that dragon could’ve killed you if he hadn’t hit it. He refuses to believe otherwise. ]

Maybe you should get therapy, then.

[Everything she knows about trolling she learned from Johnny.]

Hilarious. I'm so glad we had this talk.

[Right right, sincere show of repentance.]

I really am sorry, Julian. Do you want me to make you something?

[Val and the point don't even exist in the same dimension.]

No! No. [ Because what if she makes a machine or something?! Holy crap no. ] Look, it's...whatever.

Just don't ever go in a lab ever again, and we'll be cool.

[Well, she sure wasn't offering a cake.]

I'm banned from the Stark labs for a while.

[Siiiiigh.]

Are you surprised?

No...

[SHE HATES CONSEQUENCES.]