capeandcowl | joint post / video

[Hi, network. The last time you saw these two was right before they shrunk a number of you.

Only being as much of a sociopath as the average three year old, and having a much better understanding of consequences, Val realizes they have to apologize. And that it has to sound sincere. Fortunately, she's a great liar.

Calvin's on his own.]

Hi, everyone. According to my calculations, the Pym particle effects should have entirely worn off by now. As far as I know, no one was seriously injuried.

[Injuries to pride, dignity, and relationship status don't count.]

Yeah, and I'm sure everybody's really glad about that. I for one have spent enough time running away from ants to last my whole life!

[Calvin looks just thrilled about the whole adventure. He's standing next to Val, wearing his ordinary red shirt now instead of that ridiculous lab coat.]

Anyway, as the head visionary of this project and the original genius behind the experiment, I feel I ought to apologize to everyone...

[Calvin's not a great liar. He's actually a terrible liar. Fortunately, he has other talents, like deflecting responsibility. He points at Valeria and starts yelling.]

...for letting this absolute chowderhead anywhere near my inventions!

[Having had the deluxe-package Calvin Experience over the last few days, Val is prepared for something like this, but her exasperation is genuine, because you climbed on the laser, Calvin, and she puffs out an annoyed sigh.]

I do accept responsibility for letting an unqualified observer like Calvin into the lab. I should have seen something like what happened coming a mile away. I'm really sorry to everyone I inconvenienced, and I won't be "collaborating" [the sarcasm quotes on that would be audible in a vacuum] with him anymore.

[You know, when Tony lets her back in one of his labs sometime a decade from now.

Aside from the swipes at Calvin, which come paired with with a truly masterful bit of sideeying, it's an Oscar-worthy performance--she practices seeming contrite on Susan Richards, after all. And she does feel a little chastened. Having an experiment go this badly wrong is beneath her.

Calvin nods along, still pointing the finger of accusation.]

That's right, you won't be, because you are fired. You're the worst assistant I've ever had, and my last one was a ferocious jungle cat!

[Long story.]

You heard her, she accepts responsibility for everything being her fault. So that settles it!

[He turns to Val.]

You can get pelted with refuse by the angry mob, and I'll just take my new shrink ray back home and keep perfecting it, without you messing things up.

[Val looks at him for a second in disbelief. Does he not realize she actually just blamed it all on him? Wait, dumb question.]

Yeah, okay.

[Suddenly, Calvin goes sliding out of his seat and onto the floor with a thump as she pushes him out of the frame with an invisible force field. Val reaches forward and the video ends.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

There's no such thing as spinach pie! I refuse to believe it! I'm becoming a spinach atheist!

You know, Calvin, I do not think that word means quite what you think it does. Besides which, spinach pie is excellent and it'll help you grow big and strong.

I already have Stupendous Strength! I don't need any help from disgusting spinach.

I wonder how stupendous your strength might stay if you were to develop a sudden iron deficiency? You know part of why I eat so many sweets is because my body requires more sugar than most, but I also need more vitamins and electrolytes as well. I can't imagine what might happen if I neglected that, even for a day. By the same token, someone with great strength shouldn't risk anemia.

Huh? Wait a minute, you've got speed powers. Why do you need electrolytes?

[Because he thinks they've got something to do with electricity. Only people with lightning powers need electrolytes!]

[Oh, Calvin.]

To keep me hydrated and ensure that I will be fit enough to use my speed powers, of course.

So I guess that means I'll get all the presents Veggie Claus was going to give you.

Veggie Claus? Who the heck is Veggie Claus? Is he a new supervillain?

[He sounds evil at least.]

Veggie Claus is the hero the City wants and deserves. He gives out nutritious food that tastes yummy and makes you grow big and strong.

Oh, I get it. He's one of those villains that acts like a hero because he thinks he's doing what's right. 'Evil for the greater good' and stuff.

There isn't anything villainous or evil about him. He's actually entirely benevolent.

But he's called Veggie Claus. That's about as benevolent as being named 'Doctor Malice.'

Doctor Malice is your new pediatrician! How did you know?

[Wow Calvin is just having a bad day in terms of wordless cries of despair.]

[If it wasn't so funny, Angelica would feel really bad.

Actually, she does feel a little bad about this. But she's got to be the firm, disciplinary type!]

See you at home, Calvin.

joint post / video

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