[text]

[onmyneck]

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in one long infomercial. I'm sure you've seen those awkward middle aged people fail to complete basic tasks in their daily life. In fact, at times I denied the idea that any person could be uncoordinated enough to cut their finger while chopping a large tomato in half. How wrong I was.

Unfortunately, I feel like I am that stage of my life right now. Everything is still undersaturated, and I've managed to cut off three fingers when preparing soup. Of course, I can't cook anything that doesn't involve a microwave, but let's leave that alone for the sake of my overextended simile.

Someday, I hope I will reach the point that the saturation will brighten and I'll be able to buy a handy new product for $99.99 plus shipping and handling. Maybe it'll chop up my onions quickly, or be able to send me back to my actual universe where it at least makes some vague sense. Until then, I suppose I have to cut my fingers a few more times.

In summation, I hope someone will hire me to act in an infomercial.

Comments

[glowsferatu]

And Anything You Might Say Would Be Promptly Ignored
The Very Opposite Instead Being The Direction Adopted
Thats The Idea Actually
Though We Cover Other Topics But They Dont Concern My Department So Directly

[onmyneck]

I'm already a hipster icon. I'd rather not solidify that.

[glowsferatu]

Wow Who Would Ever Want Iconic Status Among That Set

[onmyneck]

Me and anyone with integrity.

[glowsferatu]

There Is No One With Any Degree Of Integrity To Speak Of Among The Hipster Set

[onmyneck]

They had lost integrity before it became mainstream.

[glowsferatu]

Then Why You
Who Supposedly Retain It
Would Desire To Associate With Them Is A Point On Which Im Unclear

[onmyneck]

I didn't desire it. It was forced upon me.

[glowsferatu]

You Could Always Escape It If You Cared To

[onmyneck]

That requires effort.

[glowsferatu]

Oh You Poor Darling
You Have My Deepest Sympathies
To Think You May Sprain Something In The Attempt

[onmyneck]

It requires less effort to tell them I know a seamstress who is so not mainstream.

[glowsferatu]

When I Begin Claiming That I Ingest Coagulants Only For Ironic Purposes
Who Will Be There To Inform Me Of How Far Ive Fallen

[onmyneck]

There's no safety net. The depths of the irony chasm are large and deep.

[glowsferatu]

And Yet Its Entrance Does Not Avoid Invitation
How Far Could One Plummet Before Discovering Its Floor

[onmyneck]

Performance art.

[glowsferatu]

One Could Argue That Any Attempt To Conduct Ones Life Through A Collection Of Ironies Is In Itself Inherently Performance Art

[onmyneck]

This conversation is becoming dangerously postmodern.

[glowsferatu]

Then Lets Instead Shift It To Discuss Something That Isnt Stupid
Like The Offer Of Employment I Made Earlier
You Seem To Have Some Degree Of Wit
Why Not Direct That To A Form Of Publication

[onmyneck]

Would I be paid?

[glowsferatu]

Probably
I Dont See Why You Wouldnt Be

[onmyneck]

That's a good first step. What am I supposed to be writing about?

[glowsferatu]

Well The Major Topics We Touch Upon Are Fashion Current Events And The Varied Facets Of An Import Lifestyle
So Really Anything That Touches Upon One Or More Of Those
Perhaps Something Beyond That If Appropriate I Dont Know Im Not The Editor

[onmyneck]

If you're not the editor, are you really allowed to hire me?

[glowsferatu]

Ive Done It Before
But I Suppose Its More Of An Invitation Than An Actual Offer
But I Can At Least Put In A Good Word
We Work More As A Collective Now That Donnas Gone