capeandcowl | [ audio ] > dave: this isn't going to work.

Entry tags:

† dave strider | knight of time

[ audio ] > dave: this isn't going to work.

Happy April, the SOB who put eggs in my mailbox as an April Fools joke has a date with my fist waiting. It'll be real romantic. A date to tell your kids about when you're old and wrinkly, rocking in your rocking chair and they're sitting cross legged on the ground picking grass because nobody actually cares about grandpa's dates.

So, Easter was not long ago, right? Worst holiday ever. All that chocolate everywhere's like a nightmare to the collective figures of everyone on the planet. Last week I had a dream where I was mercilessly crushed to death by the thighs of the masses while walking down the street and I had an idea. A proposition.

How's about y'all let me take that nightmare fuel off your hands. Free of charge, no catch. Save your thighs, save the world. No need to thank me, I'm just a man.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You want people to tell you about their nightmares?

[ awkward silence.................. ]

......... No, John.

Oh....

Then I have absolutely no idea what you're asking.

It's cool, I already raided your stash.

What?

[ Give him a second to figure it out... ]

Hey!!

[ There we go. ]

You're too late. It's all in a better place now.

Your stomach is not a better place!

That's what you think. It's a paradise in there.

Not for my candy it isn't!

You don't know that. They like it here. They told me so.

If they are talking to you then you might want to see someone about that.

This is why they don't dig you, dude. You're being a total dick. If I were you I'd apologize to candy right now before you wake up bondage-tied with taffy being suspended above a boiling pot of caramel.

I am only being a dick to you! And I don't think my candy cares enough to try to kill me.

[silence.

rose lifts up a lindor easter egg. she slowly unwraps it. even slower she cracks the egg and shoves a handful of cracked chocolate into her mouth. ]

I'm not going to console you when you can't fit into your prom dress.

I don't have a prom dress, Dave. I have a lot of red wrappers, however, that I am sure I could fashion into a body suit.

Shit, was that what I felt this morning? I thought it might've been an earthquake, but it was just you getting out of bed. Crisis averted.

Actually, I'm fairly sure it was you and those thighs of yours.

Literal worst comeback I've ever heard. Try again before I gotta emancipate myself outta association embarrassment. Rose Lalonde? Never heard if it. Sounds like a sandwich.

I won't. But I will grab you some online articles on how to trim down your thighs fast and effectively.

Easter is meant to revolve around fertility, isn't it? At least from what I've read. I don't really see what chocolate has to do with that, but I didn't really receive any to pass off to you anyway.

I've seen some discounted at the store, however.

Yeah well I'm pretty sure all I'm shooting is chocolate right now, so any shot at being fertile I had was successfully ruined by Easter. Real counter productive.

I already spent all my money on cheap eggs. Want to buy me a gift?

I didn't know you had a gun, much less why you would make a target of something that's meant to be eaten. But, more importantly, is this what our friendship is devolving to? Me buying you food?

Edited 2013-04-10 03:40 (UTC)

The gun is my— actually, you know what? I'm gonna let you work it out.

Also, yeah. I'm poor and chocolate.

I hurdled myself directly into that one, hadn't I?

This chocolate won't have any mechanical aspirations, will it?

The penis train hit you hard like a slap to the face. Wherein the slap is actually you getting hit by the train.

The train is also a penis.

My head says yes but my heart and stomach are drowning out its screams.

I've never been happier to see a conversation derailed. Effective immediately.

It's a shame your head couldn't have taken precedence, as I believe a mechanical confection was rampaging through your house just the other day. Jake may know what's become of it.

There's nothing wrong with my thighs, so they certainly don't need saving from you, butt-boy.

One day you're gonna wake up drowning in your own cellulite and you're gonna regret not taking me up on my generous offer.

The only person who's going to drown between my thighs is likely a gentleman who knows how to--erk, I'm not going to finish that.

You turned an innocent discussion about chocolate into a discussion about porn in two comments. That's kind of impressive. I feel like your inner dude just highfived me.

I don't have a dude inside of me. [ Speaking of porn! ]

Aren't you worried about your own thighs, Dave? They were getting a little flabby last time I checked!

[ SHUT UP ARADIA HE ALREADY KNOWS HE'S GETTING FAT DON'T RUB IT IN ]

You take that back. My thighs are sculpted out of marble.

It's OK! The sooner you learn to love yourself, the sooner you'll find that special someone who can accept all that subcutaneous adipose.

Holy shit, don't give me the fat person whale peptalk.

You really think anyone's gonna give up their candy?

I have the utmost faith in this city. I know that in their hearts, they'll know what to do.

Yeah, keep it all for themselves.

No. That is the exact opposite of the thing I was going to say. Zero points.

Sorry man, people are greedy by nature.

THIS IS THE MOST SAD AND DESPERATE REQUEST I'VE EVER SEEN BROADCASTED TO THE NETWORK.
AND I'VE SEEN ERIDAN'S POSTS.

give me your candy and itll magically go away i promise
free of charge

Edited 2013-05-03 03:26 (UTC)

NICE TRY, BUT NO.
EVEN ASSUMING I HAVE ANY LEFT OVER IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU'D BE THE ABSOLUTE LAST PERSON I'D CONSIDER SHARING ANY MANNER OF DELICIOUS CONFECTIONERY WITH.

Ok, the rabbit's kind of busy. Sorry. But I've got a shit ton of chocolate dicks if you still want some.

What's the likelihood of you railing on me for the rest of my life if I choke down a shit ton of chocolate boners?

Dave. [DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.] I would never give a man shit for choking down as many chocolate dicks as he wants.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ audio ] > dave: this isn't going to work.

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

voice

no subject

no subject

video.

video.

video.

video.

video.

video.

video.

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Behold it working. Also voice and all that.

no subject

no subject