WELCOME TO DREAMWIDTH, HERO...

Happy April, the SOB who put eggs in my mailbox as an April Fools joke has a date with my fist waiting. It'll be real romantic. A date to tell your kids about when you're old and wrinkly, rocking in your rocking chair and they're sitting cross legged on the ground picking grass because nobody actually cares about grandpa's dates.

So, Easter was not long ago, right? Worst holiday ever. All that chocolate everywhere's like a nightmare to the collective figures of everyone on the planet. Last week I had a dream where I was mercilessly crushed to death by the thighs of the masses while walking down the street and I had an idea. A proposition.

How's about y'all let me take that nightmare fuel off your hands. Free of charge, no catch. Save your thighs, save the world. No need to thank me, I'm just a man.

yo so me and my gf are looking for a place to have a romantic evening
with some roses on the table maybe a nice candle
bottle of champagne you know the whole works
hopin to hit third base tonight if you know what i mean gotta make it real special
also hey im back if anyone touched my shit i swear to jesus dick himself im gonna draw a dong on everything you love
hold up someone lend me like 8 bucks for my date gotta make this shit classy
heres a hot pic of me and my gf to persuade you

[ In the attached photo is Dave, intimately cradling a cheeseburger in his arms. That is all. ]

[ The feed begins abruptly and already in the middle of all the action, almost like an afterthought. The signature reads Dave Strider, but unless he's somehow managed to master invisibility, he's not in the shot; holding the camera, rather. What is in the shot is a toilet--very classy. The toilet, however, is filled with... fireworks?

This is the worst idea anyone has come up with ever. ]

This is the best idea anyone has come up with ever.

[ Sure. Okay. He lights the fireworks, takes a few steps back, and...

Seems genuinely shocked when the entire thing explodes into a shower of toilet water and porcelain? There are pieces of the bowl stuck in the ceiling, the lid has been shattered and provides a snazzy new texture on top of the floor tiles. When the now lonely looking pipe sticking half out the wall starts spewing water everywhere, he slowly shuts the door and begins a casual stroll out the house that quickly escalates into a full speed run for dear life.

The feed ends with the slamming of the front door and the sound of panting and feet running down the sidewalk. ]

Yo, what up. Got a special treat today; gonna do a reading of something I just happened to have hanging around in my room. On behalf of my beloved witch of a sister I'm going to share with all of you her finely tailored writings about gay wizards having sex as a broadcast of her impeccable taste. It also comes in fanfiction flavored.

[ He brandishes a lavender notebook, "Rose" written across it in cursive. ]

Now, let's begin. Might wanna take a seat, grab a bag of chips, crack open a bottle of wine; make a real evening of it.

Alright. ( Read more... )

Who would've thought that a city full of superheroes and manic headcases would have so much drama. Hey, here's an idea. Let's try and go a month without screwing the pooch next time. Ol' Fido's getting a little tired of our bullshit, too. Or a better idea: pick a game that doesn't involve a metric shitton of death and gratuitous building-slaughter. Strip poker is a personal favorite, but if you want to end the night with a call to 911 anyway, I'd suggest Monopoly.

So hey, someone fill me in. Who actually died this time, was it someone I know and can someone give me five bucks for flowers.

Shit, man, I don't even know why I'm still here. The longer anyone sticks around the shorter their lifespan gets. And that's not even one of those revelatory bullshit "everybody is slowly dying" hipster pics with the text slapped over a photo of a fuzzy duckling, I mean for real. The longer you stick around this shithole the more likely it is that someone's gonna drag you down a dark alley and rip your head off your shoulders. Then he's gonna make a puppet out of it because fuck there were a lot of nutjobs back where I lived but they don't hold a candle made of crazy to anyone here.

[ A sight for sore eyes, welcome to a Myspace-styled vlog post from one (1) Dave Strider, who is currently having one (1) very public, very rambly, surprisingly chill meltdown while wearing what looks like pajamas with a hood that makes him look like a condom. It seems as if he's just walking down the street, absolutely sure of where he's going and not just walking for the sake of walking. ]

So hey you know what I was always itching to cross off my bucket list? Dying. Man, was that ever a blast.

[ oh no he didn't. ]

Hornswaggled like we just stepped out of a bad 50's slang dictionary. Got my fuckin' dame on one arm while we're jammin' to some chap workin' the skins right in the center of the Apple. Playing backseat bingo in the back of a jacked up machine while our chaperone lays on to nod off. Fucking player on the fucking stick, here. Hahaha, slang. Pretty sure skins are drums. That or it's like someone's midlife crisis 'do and hey you can play whatever you want we don't discriminate. You know, whoever we is. Collective guardians of the universe. You're fucking welcome for that.

So we took a mom sedan of a moon the size of J Lo's ass into the middle of nowhere to blow up nothing in particular for a reason nobody's really sure of anymore. Suicide missions, ha ha ha ha. Real fresh. Little does that sucker know things get real legit when you're clad in magical space pajamas.

You know, then you fly outta the sun clad in something snazzy and meet a bunch of aliens. Note to self never unironically use snazzy again or future you will sock you in the teeth. I'll go Rocky on my own shapely white ass, news at eleven call the press. Not like wrinkly aliens all phone home and shit, no, we got the murderspree aliens having a rooftop rumpus with corpses hanging around like it ain't no fuckin' big deal. Hell yeah I want to stand next to a guy who looks like he exploded from the ins-- ...

[ Then he stops dead in the street, takes a couple looks around like he's suddenly realized he doesn't know where the fuck he is and he is totally and completely lost. ]

... Shit.