joint post / video

[smarterthandad]

[Hi, network. The last time you saw these two was right before they shrunk a number of you.

Only being as much of a sociopath as the average three year old, and having a much better understanding of consequences, Val realizes they have to apologize. And that it has to sound sincere. Fortunately, she's a great liar.

Calvin's on his own.]

Hi, everyone. According to my calculations, the Pym particle effects should have entirely worn off by now. As far as I know, no one was seriously injuried.

[Injuries to pride, dignity, and relationship status don't count.]

Yeah, and I'm sure everybody's really glad about that. I for one have spent enough time running away from ants to last my whole life!

[Calvin looks just thrilled about the whole adventure. He's standing next to Val, wearing his ordinary red shirt now instead of that ridiculous lab coat.]

Anyway, as the head visionary of this project and the original genius behind the experiment, I feel I ought to apologize to everyone...

[Calvin's not a great liar. He's actually a terrible liar. Fortunately, he has other talents, like deflecting responsibility. He points at Valeria and starts yelling.]

...for letting this absolute chowderhead anywhere near my inventions!

[Having had the deluxe-package Calvin Experience over the last few days, Val is prepared for something like this, but her exasperation is genuine, because you climbed on the laser, Calvin, and she puffs out an annoyed sigh.]

I do accept responsibility for letting an unqualified observer like Calvin into the lab. I should have seen something like what happened coming a mile away. I'm really sorry to everyone I inconvenienced, and I won't be "collaborating" [the sarcasm quotes on that would be audible in a vacuum] with him anymore.

[You know, when Tony lets her back in one of his labs sometime a decade from now.

Aside from the swipes at Calvin, which come paired with with a truly masterful bit of sideeying, it's an Oscar-worthy performance--she practices seeming contrite on Susan Richards, after all. And she does feel a little chastened. Having an experiment go this badly wrong is beneath her.

Calvin nods along, still pointing the finger of accusation.]

That's right, you won't be, because you are fired. You're the worst assistant I've ever had, and my last one was a ferocious jungle cat!

[Long story.]

You heard her, she accepts responsibility for everything being her fault. So that settles it!

[He turns to Val.]

You can get pelted with refuse by the angry mob, and I'll just take my new shrink ray back home and keep perfecting it, without you messing things up.

[Val looks at him for a second in disbelief. Does he not realize she actually just blamed it all on him? Wait, dumb question.]

Yeah, okay.

[Suddenly, Calvin goes sliding out of his seat and onto the floor with a thump as she pushes him out of the frame with an invisible force field. Val reaches forward and the video ends.]

Comments

[radiantly]

And you were a willing participant. You're as much to blame as Valeria is.

[magicalworld]

I wasn't just a participant! I invented the thing!

[Calvin you are not good at this.]

But it didn't cause any trouble until she started messing with it.

[radiantly]

So you're both responsible. But since I'm not Valeria's mother, I can only ground you.

[magicalworld]

[As always grown-ups are impervious to Calvin's logic. Life is so hard.]

...for how long?

[radiantly]

At least until school starts again. Maybe even until Halloween.

[magicalworld]

Halloween?!

[Calvin's voice could be used as an air-raid siren right now.]

That's months away! That's forever! I only invented the device to be used for good. My intentions were twisted and sabotaged to evil ends!

[radiantly]

I've already taken your intentions into consideration. You were nearly grounded until Christmas.

[magicalworld]

[There's an outraged, incoherent squeak on the other end. Then a pause.]

...if I'm grounded and can't leave the house, does that mean I don't have to go to school in September?

[radiantly]

Kudos for creativity, but wrong again. School is the only place you'll be going, so don't even try to wiggle out of it!

[magicalworld]

So I can't go anywhere except school or straight home? I'll die! This has to be against the Geneva Convention! I want an attorney!

[radiantly]

As your legal guardian, I'm allowed to do all these things. In fact, I'd be well within my rights to ground you for longer.

[magicalworld]

Really? There isn't anything in the Constitution about cruel and unusual punishment for kids?

[The world is so harsh.]

voice;

[superspeeds]

By the time you've turned seven, I imagine everyone will have just about forgotten this incident.

voice;

[radiantly]

Ooh. I like the sound of that. Let's ground him until he's seven.

voice;

[superspeeds]

When is his birthday again? It only happens once a year and you know, darling, I'm so forgetful.

voice;

[radiantly]

It's... it's...

You know, I'm not sure I remember either.

voice;

[magicalworld]

Tomorrow! It's tomorrow! Ha ha, surprise! I guess you two have some emergency present shopping to do.

voice;

[radiantly]

Is that so? Then I'll be sure to make a donation in your name to the charity of my choosing. That way, someone deserving will get a nice present.

voice;

[magicalworld]

Oh give me a break! If it's my birthday, shouldn't I at least pick the charity?!

[Meanwhile Calvin is making a note to look up how to set up one's own charity. He is his own worthy cause okay!]

voice;

[radiantly]

You're welcome to make a suggestion. I know you like animals, maybe the zoo would be a good choice.

voice;

[superspeeds]

Eight, then.

It's a pity, I remember enjoying the outdoors quite a lot when I was seven.

voice;

[magicalworld]

[There's just a wordless cry of despair from a kid who dearly loves running around outside.]

voice;

[superspeeds]

Odd how that works. Surely we have it in the school's records.

voice;

[radiantly]

It's summer vacation still. I don't feel much like going digging through my office.

voice;

[superspeeds]

Then it shall remain one of life's great mysteries. Too bad, really, I rather like looking for gifts.