[text]

[onmyneck]

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in one long infomercial. I'm sure you've seen those awkward middle aged people fail to complete basic tasks in their daily life. In fact, at times I denied the idea that any person could be uncoordinated enough to cut their finger while chopping a large tomato in half. How wrong I was.

Unfortunately, I feel like I am that stage of my life right now. Everything is still undersaturated, and I've managed to cut off three fingers when preparing soup. Of course, I can't cook anything that doesn't involve a microwave, but let's leave that alone for the sake of my overextended simile.

Someday, I hope I will reach the point that the saturation will brighten and I'll be able to buy a handy new product for $99.99 plus shipping and handling. Maybe it'll chop up my onions quickly, or be able to send me back to my actual universe where it at least makes some vague sense. Until then, I suppose I have to cut my fingers a few more times.

In summation, I hope someone will hire me to act in an infomercial.

Comments

[onmyneck]

I'm sure enough people write about fashion already. Usually people who actually care about it.

[glowsferatu]

And Not All Of Them Can Be So Easily And Consistently Dismissed
I Wasnt Joking About The Cautionary Tale Prospect

[onmyneck]

I think my cautionary tale is not to dress like me.

[glowsferatu]

Thats Precisely The Implication I Was Attempting To Make

[onmyneck]

I was just filling in your blanks.

[glowsferatu]

Some Subtleties Are Better Remaining In That Realm
Practiced Under A Mutual Understanding
If Understanding Is What You Actually Had Of It Prior To My Confirmation

[onmyneck]

I should be insulted, but I'm not sure I care enough.

[glowsferatu]

Well Whatever
Would You Consider Employment At A Fashion Magazine Or Not

[onmyneck]

Not if I'm supposed to be a "before" model.

[glowsferatu]

If We Turned To That Cliche Then You Could Only Serve It On the One Occasion
I Was Expecting A More Regular Feature

[onmyneck]

I doubt there's much I can say about fashion. If only my sister were here. And that's the last time I'm saying that sentence.

[glowsferatu]

And Anything You Might Say Would Be Promptly Ignored
The Very Opposite Instead Being The Direction Adopted
Thats The Idea Actually
Though We Cover Other Topics But They Dont Concern My Department So Directly

[onmyneck]

I'm already a hipster icon. I'd rather not solidify that.

[glowsferatu]

Wow Who Would Ever Want Iconic Status Among That Set

[onmyneck]

Me and anyone with integrity.

[glowsferatu]

There Is No One With Any Degree Of Integrity To Speak Of Among The Hipster Set

[onmyneck]

They had lost integrity before it became mainstream.

[glowsferatu]

Then Why You
Who Supposedly Retain It
Would Desire To Associate With Them Is A Point On Which Im Unclear

[onmyneck]

I didn't desire it. It was forced upon me.

[glowsferatu]

You Could Always Escape It If You Cared To

[onmyneck]

That requires effort.

[glowsferatu]

Oh You Poor Darling
You Have My Deepest Sympathies
To Think You May Sprain Something In The Attempt

[onmyneck]

It requires less effort to tell them I know a seamstress who is so not mainstream.

[glowsferatu]

When I Begin Claiming That I Ingest Coagulants Only For Ironic Purposes
Who Will Be There To Inform Me Of How Far Ive Fallen

[onmyneck]

There's no safety net. The depths of the irony chasm are large and deep.