capeandcowl | ☆ video.

[James and Zatanna are in what appears to be a moment of domestic bliss. Everyone's favorite couple are in her media room and, more importantly, they're surrounded by rabbits of all kinds. They're on the floor, on the desk, and... mostly curled up near James. One in particular is laying on its back in his lap, fast asleep. The couple, however, are focused on the computer before them.

Zatanna makes a rushed noise and points at the screen, prompting James to stop scrolling.] See! I told you there was a ton! [The screen features a cluster of fanfiction about the two of them, a good number of them seem to be weird AUs and love triangles.

James reads a description of one aloud:] "It Takes Two to Teach Love by TantalizingTwilightFan: Zatanna is the new vampiric vixen English teacher in the City, upon meeting James Bond, her boss and school Principal, she thinks he's rude and obnoxious. Is there more to him than meets the eye? Rated Mature for language and lemons." ...These natives have a little too much time on their hands. At least they understand the part about you being blood sucking.

I'd hit you, if it didn't mean waking the bunnies. [A beat.] What do lemons have to do with a mature rating? I like that I get to be the vampire in this one, though. [She seems a little too pleased with this.]

Vampire or not, it says here that I'm your boss. [He shifts just enough in his chair to somehow look more smug than he already did.] Now be a dear, Miss Zatara, and get us a bottle of wine before I'm forced to drown myself in bunnies instead.

You know, I might enjoy watching that... but I'm only going to do this because I'm too sober to read any of these. When I get back, you better be prepared to read that quality piece of fiction to me, Mister Bond. [She carefully extracts herself from her seat so as not to disturb any bunnies and the video comes to an end. It's for the better that they don't read any of these on the Network. They're looking in the mature section, after all.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

There is absolutely none of that crap about me. I'm not going to believe it.

[Spaz I am giving you full and unrestricted permission to invent whatever hideous Jack Bauer Import fanfiction you want for the purposes of this thread.]

Jack, darling, your tempting fate with words like this. I'm sure you have plenty of pairings to write about... [Yeah he's looking. And Spaz will take no such credit for anything found, because this it all just being plagiarised from bad fanfic.net stuff.]

You know I don't. And don't call me 'darling.' I don't think Zatanna would like it.

[She would totally like it.]

Oh, she's fine with that.

Hang on... [Clickclick.]

"Jack's hands roamed over her soft skin. He moved his lips down her upper body making sure not to miss an inch. After sucking"-- My, my, Mr. Bauer. I don't think I can read this in public.

[I have no icon to adequately convey Jack's face right now.]

You're making this up. Who am I supposedly with in this story?

It involves the words 'happy memories', so I'm really not willing to start speaking about possible dead girlfriends.

[Jack suddenly goes completely stiff, his mouth a hard line.]

That's probably a good idea.

[Raw nerves! All the raw nerves.]

See, Jack, these fans don't understand the level of sheer abnormality of writing fantasy stories about people like us.

Us and dead girlfriends. [Bond has a lot of them.]

They obviously know something about the crap we deal with, but they still treat it as something to get excited over. As something fun.

[This is not Jack's happy face. Fandom, you're on his list.]

When the lines of fiction get as blurred as they are in this place, it can be difficult to remember what's real.

We're real, and so are the people we've lost. If they're writing about those people, then it's disrespectful, period.

You should start leaving comments on all these fics, Jack.

[Snort.]

They wouldn't listen. They'd probably just use it as an excuse to start asking me questions they have no right to ask.

[This is a man who is never going to be a convention guest.]

Then best punch first and ask questions later. I'm sure I can find up a list of addresses for you.

Don't tempt me. I might actually be able to follow through on that soon.

[Maybe-discharge coming closer!]

Planning to escape?

Planning to get discharged. Callie's been setting up a hearing, she thinks I've got a case for early release. I trust her.

Well, best of luck to you. If that doesn't work out, I'll send you a spade and you can start digging a tunnel out of there.

I'm pretty sure the place is covered against tunnels, James. But I appreciate the thought.

What about a metal file?

My room doesn't have bars. Have you ever visited this place?

[Jack is so easy to troll what would you do without him James]

I try to avoid the Loony Bins.

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