capeandcowl | Entries tagged with † bender rodriguez

WANTED:
Have you ever wanted to be famous like Bender? Now is your chance! Bender's Television Production Company is looking for willing participants for a reality TV show about the life of its founder and company mascot, Bender, for a hotly demanded pilot that could lead to vicious bidding warfare of the top networks.

We want:
-People who are funny/talented but not enough to upstage Bender.
-People with torrid, complex, emotional lives who won't make too big a deal about it.
-People who can argue and throw wine.

We don't want:
-Anyone Bender doesn't like. You know who you are.

Shooting happens when Bender feels like it. Bring your own wardrobe, trailer and catering tables.

boozebot

[Bender is inside the warehome, the camera pointing straight at his face.]

It's been a week! A week! Fry, where the hell are you? I've looked everywhere! The bar, the couch, the bar again- everywhere!

[And now comes the distinct hysterical sobbing sounds.]

Fry was the only human I ever met [sniff sniff] who ever gave me things voluntarily. I barely had to steal most of it! And now he's gone!

[He starts wiping off some non-existent tears. If it's not clear at this point, Bender is horrendously sober and horrendously emotional.]

If anyone sees a redheaded meatbag, tell him that I hate him and that everyone hates me and I hate everybody! And you can all go to HELL. And ask him if he knows where I put my clogs.

[He roots around his cabinet to just show a picture of Fry eating a taco to the camera.]

I need those clogs, Fry! I need them so bad!

[And thus the video ends with more sobbing.]

captainyesterday

[Once Fry's hand has stopped blocking the camera, a horrific example of festivity can be seen all too clearly. The warehome Fry and Bender inherited from Zoidberg has been decked up in true holiday spirit. Tinsel and lights are hung haphazardly from a large pine tree located squarely in the middle. It probably wasn't the best place for it when you consider the mass of trailing wires that surround the tree. Still, when Fry turns the camera on himself he seems pretty happy with what they've accomplished so far.]

Isn't Christmas great in this century? We've almost got enough stuff to decorate this whole warehouse. Some of these lights look sort of weird, but I think we've got at least half working.

[In the background, Bender is rather impatiently fiddling with a ball of wires, muttering and swearing under his breath before he speaks.] Stop yapping over there and come help me! Jesus should be damn grateful I spent so long on some crappy lights.

[Fry is only too happy to come over and help Bender tackle the lights. He puts the device down and picks up a separate ball so he doesn't have to deprive Bender the joy of unravelling his own.] Oh, you haven't seen anything. Once me and my brother spent three whole days untangling our crappy lights. And then another two on the tinsel.

Three days? Can't we just erect a bomb shelter, like in the good ol' days?

[Fry looks a little crestfallen at Bender's lack of enthusiasm. Why wouldn't he want to spend an indefinite amount of time untangling Christmas lights? It's the best part.] This is the good ol' days. We have a pine tree. Why would you want a bomb shelter?

The pine tree got needles all over my collection of hay! [And, indeed, there's a large pile of damp hay sitting under a pine tree somewhere in the distance.] I need that hay for my cow business, Fry. Cows need hay! And shelter from bombs!

The hay's fine. If there were needles in there I'd have found them by now.

Well, if you want to untangle the lights so badly, be my guest! [He shoves his bundle of wires towards Fry with great gusto.] I want a traditional Xmas, not a Christmas.

[Fry clutches the lights possessively, possibly tangling them even more in the process.] What's so bad about Christmas?

At least Robot Santa got his massacres over in one night!

Normal Santa didn't need massacres. That's what makes Regular Christmas so special.

[Bender rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically.] If it's that special to you, then I'll do it. But only if I get to cook.

For a moment Fry looks thrilled. And then it seems to sink in just what Bender's demands are. He looks distinctly more uncomfortable after that.] You know, traditionally people only eat chocolate on Christmas. Cooking's sort of frowned upon.

Aww, what's the point in doing anything nice for you? [Bender just sighs and storms away from the camera.] If you need me, I'll be buying cows!

boozebot

Hey chumps, chumpettes, etc.

This is Bender. What's shaking? Okay, I didn't care. Now, onto my actual point!

Has anyone seen any mutants lately? And I don't mean the superpowered types, I mean the pig-ugly ones that often look like pigs. In particular, I'm talking in the sewers, just in case anyone around here visits there often. I know they start showing up around this time period, and considering you idiots have the same way of dumping waste like they do in my universe, it is only a matter of time before something hideous shows up. And I ain't talking about yo' mama!

You done laughing yet? Okay, good. Now, if anyone would be kind enough to double check for me that there definitely isn't any mutants in the sewers, I'll do something really nice. That's just how generous I am!

boozebot

I'm back, baby!

[Bender is wearing a hideous Hawaiian shirt for no particular reason, the camera subtly positioned in order to capture his two rather overstuffed suitcases.]

If I'm stuck in this putrid hellhole of a Stupid Ages Earth, I thought I might as well enjoy what I can. Did you know the Grand Canyon wasn't always filled with toxic sewage water? I sure as hell didn't! It's called the Grand Putrid Stinkhole in the future, if any of you want to write that down.

[He waits for the viewer, in order to give them time to write it down.]

Okay, are you done? Because I also wanted to say the tales of the primitive Las Vegas are sorely overblown. Sure, there was gambling and easy-to-steal liquor, but I didn't see one robot hooker while I was there! And I'm pretty sure they were cheating at blackjack, since I was cheating too, and I kept losing, which just isn't very fair.

Oh! Oh! Plus, I stole a top hat from a magician.

[He pulls the hat out of his cabinet and places it on his aerial. It swings around a bit unevenly.]

Heh heh. Now he'll never get his dumb rabbit back. Anyway, how much did you all miss me?

boozebot

'Sup, chumps. It's me, Bender. The lovable robot! Just in case some of you newbies have sorely neglected your studies of important people in this craphole. It's been a while!

[Bender is puffing pretty casually on a cigar, a half empty bottle of vodka perched on the table next to an elegant, highbacked chair.]

Y'see, fleshwads and assorted humanoids, your good pal Bender has been reminiscing about all the fun we've had together. Remember that time I took selfless action in constructing a shelter to save people from the ravages of Eksmas? Or that time I took over the City by force? Or that time I went bowling? All good times!

That's not to mention the many lives I've improved by being kind, supportive and intellectually stimulating. Plus, I am close friends with that powerhouse of a journalist, B.R. Sexybot! By the way, we're still waiting to hear back from the Pulitzer committee or, alternatively, any award that comes with prize money. Except the Grammies.

You may, however, have missed all these great times! You may not even have dared to speak to me before! Well, now you're in luck, considering I'm writing a tell-all autobiography about my life in the future and the current present entitled Bender B. Rodriguez: The Shiny Metal Ass of the Future, Today! Working title, patent pending. But where do you all come in?

Write in with your favorite memory of me, Bender! Preferably, in the first person and from my perspective. Witticisms are allowed, but keep them classy! Also, no self-deprecation. Also, if you want to pay me for including your extract in the book, that would be just great. Or, you pay extra and I might just slip you a couple hints about the future! Like, say, you wanted to solve global warming...

crabulous

[The feed begins in Zoidberg's warehome. He is busily stacking several crates labeled 'Emergency Alien Invasion Supplies, property of Bender B. Rodriguez! Claws off, Dr. Lameberg' into tidy rows, humming cheerfully as he does.]

Bender, you want I should put the pistols over here next to the whiskey?

[The answer comes from off camera:]

No, no, no! I want it arranged alphabetically, from smallest to largest in descending order. Pay attention!

[Zoidberg drops the boxes, looking slightly panicked.]

Yes, Bender! Whatever you say, Bender! Please don't strike me again, Bender! [pause] There's still so much to do ahead of the alien invasion! I wonder if the others have begun the necessary preparations.

Well, if they haven't then I guess I'll be the only sentient being left on Earth. [He takes a moment to consider this]

[Zoidberg looks rather excited by this for a moment! Then suddenly, he gasps!]

But then all of our friends and associates will be doomed!

[Gasp!] But who will give me attention then?

I could still give you attention, Bender!

Shut the hell up Zoidberg, I'm pondering!

Perhaps if we were to share our extensive knowledge on the subject…?

Hmm... How much do you think they would pay me?

Probably several dollars! Maybe even more!

Maybe I could publish a book! And appear on TV! They might even make me a statue, for saving Earth!

Then you would truly be the hero the rowbutt woman wanted you to be!

And I can rub it in that stupid, no good, stinking pile of-- Zoidberg! That doesn't look color coded to me!

[Zoidberg drops the box he is holding, whoops loudly and scuttles away!]

No! Not the strap! Please don't whip me!

You're lucky if that's all I do, you- Hey! You dropped the porn!

[The video cuts off as Bender can be seen storming across the warehouse after Zoidberg, knocking boxes over in his wake.]

((ooc: Orange is Zoidberg, grey is Bender.))

boozebot

[The camera starts up, as Bender hurriedly balances it to get the best picture. Running offscreen in a hurry, he appears several metres away at a pile of straight steel rods and promptly begins to bend them. The metal tubing on his arms has been rolled up in order to show off his machinery. After he bends three, he suddenly turns to the camera.]

Oh! How embarrassing! I didn't know you were filming me doing incredible charity work that benefits both myself and the entire city. Yes, that's right, me, Bender, doing charity work! Make a note of it.

[He approaches the camera now, taking it into his hands to point at the pile.]

See, what with Eksmas coming up and all, I figure that we should all be preparing to protect ourselves from certain murder and destruction. And what would the Eksmas season be without a reinforced steel structure, complete with ammunition? That's why this bunker is open for everyone, as soon as I get it finished! How charitable of me, Bender. The only person who'll have to pay will be Zoidberg.

As a side note, can I axe if anyone knows where to buy grenades?

boozebot

[Bender is sitting in his new, probably expensive office chair holding a copy of cosmos. The front cover shrieks about its 'NEW EXCLUSIVE IMPORT COLUMNIST- WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS B. R. SEXYBOT?']

As a robot of great worldly knowledge, I find it very important to read the newspaper every morning. But, strangely, this morn I did find an incredibly well written piece of journalism inside of my paper of choice. It was a piece of writing so incredibly topical and thought provoking that it put Katurian to shame. More like Suckturian!

Yes, I am talking about B. R. Sexybot and his or her amazing new column: ImPort Gossip from a Sexy Source!

[He coughs a little, unfolding out the paper to read the text out loud with a dramatic flair.]

'Catman: What Sort of Meat Does He Really Prefer?' I think that story is relevant to many people around here, really.

'Mayor Hundred: Giant Idiot? Yes!' Well, that one doesn't need explanation.

And, of course, the ever popular 'Hot or Not' list!

[He holds the list up to the camera, with the 'Hot' end of the spectrum consisting of Bender, GLaDOS and Tony Stark, whilst the 'Not' end consists of Edward Nygma and Zoidberg. Pretty much every other notable person falls somewhere in the middle, so feel free to ask Bender where your character places.]

Oh my goodness! What intelligent writer put me, Bender, at the top of the 'Hot or Not' list? And right next to GLaDOS as well-- Say, what does this say?

[He points to the small caption underneath GLaDOS' name- 'Sexy new arrival to the City, it looks like sparks could fly between her and our favorite swarthy Latino genius, Bender! This columnist totally supports them doing it!!']

Gee! I think everyone should buy this amazing piece of Pulitzer standard journalism, since it's so great. I just wonder who the writer is... Oh well! I guess it'll remain a sexy mystery.

boozebot

Humans are the worst! All they do is save you from killing yourself, then pretend to be your friend, then live in your closet, then makes you ice cream soup, then ditch you so they can do the nasty with a mermaid, then launch you out of a torpedo tube into deep space until you meet God or something, then leave you behind on Earth in order to commit to a polygamous relationship with a billion tentacled monster from another universe, and then ditch you in the past with Zoidberg!

[Pause.]

That, or they wear really tacky boots. But they're still useless! Name me one human that doesn't suck total butt.

[Another pause.]

Apart from Tony. Speaking of, Starkster, I want a fur coat with a jetpack on. I'll be the life of the party!

boozebot

Heeeeey! Everyone! You know how much I love you guys, right?

Soooooo... Give me twenty dollars. For a good cause. A secret good cause. Or your tyres may get slashed by a less-good cause. That's also secret.

Just send it to this address! [Bender holds up the address of his MAC room, drawn hastily in pen on a sticky note.]

All I can tell you about the cause is that it is secret and is also a league. And it may involve robots. But you ain't getting any more information! Since, as I have previously mentioned, it's a secret. A Bender secret. A secret that belongs entirely to Bender. Yessirree, it's a real-- [The video thankfully cuts out here.]

boozebot

This is disgusting!

[Bender's angry face is prominent on the screen, as he holds up a book called Batteries, Bulbs and Wires.]

I knew the Stupid Ages was dirty, but I always assumed that was in an environmental terms and not in a moral sense! Encouraging kids to read such lewd material--

[To prove a point, Bender flicks through the book until he comes across a section on circuit diagrams. With gusto, he pushes one of the diagrams right up to the camera.]

You can even see the battery terminals on this one! And don't even get me started on this other one I found--

[Bender now holds up The Manga Guide to Electricity.]

I always knew Japan produced some brutal porn, but I never knew it was this bad. Therefore, I'm going to have to ask- No! Demand that all copies of any sort of book containing electrical circuits be brought to me immediately!

That way, I can... Properly dispose of them. In a safe place. Yeah, that's right! So bring all of this porn to me, so children will never get their hands on it. Understand?

Bender, out!

boozebot

[Bender appears on the screen, muttering under his breath. In the background, you can probably spot Luna standing calmly and it's kind of clear she's obviously waiting for him to say something.]

Well, firstly, I wanted to make this message because, uh... I hope you've all learnt a lesson from this! The important lesson that you should never ignore Bender! And if you ignore me again, I'll... Conjure up some more rats! And you'll learn your lesson that way!

[He looks at Luna but she calmly shakes her head. He grumbles a bit more before continuing.]

And I know that some of you people might have suffered because of my actions. And I guess I'm a little sorry for that. But you share most of the blame! Especially you, Zoidberg! You all thought that I was some stunningly handsome robot that you could replace with some weird guy in a hood! And that's why I got so annoyed.

...Come on, that's got to be enough!

[Luna waits behind him, shaking her head some more.]

Fine. I'm sorry. There! I said it. Though, I won't apologize next time because it will be entirely your fault! So maybe if you all paid me some more respect, I wouldn't have done what I did. So I guess we've all learnt a lesson here today. I learnt that fear is no substitute for respect, and you learnt not to be so inconsiderate! Now, you better thank me for teaching you all such an important lesson!

But, really, I suppose the most important thing is that I suffered no consequences for my actions. And isn't that we all want in the end? Bahaha-

[Out of nowhere, Houston's foot flies straight into Bender's face and he falls to the floor with a loud "oof!". The video feed shuts off with a final shot of Bender laying on the ground, groaning loudly. What a nice way to end the event!]

[OOC: And that wraps up the vermin invasion of the city! All rats and pigeons that aren't dead will be returning to their normal habits and cease all attack. All replies will be from after Bender escapesss but Luna and Houston, feel free to respond to replies too!]]

boozebot

Bahahaha...

[Bender appears on camera, surrounded by a massive group of rats that has somehow assorted themselves into a giant throne. A small group of pigeons flies around his head, creating a horrific halo of feathers and dirt. Oh, and he's wearing what looks like some very expensive jewellery all over his body, including a crown and cape.]

You'll all rue the day you ignored Bender! You'll be saying, "Oh no, Bender! Don't crush us with your mighty army of rat and pigeon things!" Well, it's too late now! I've become one of the most powerful beings ever, and now you lousy humans are going to suffer my wrath!

Plus, I'm going to steal all your stuff! That's what happens when you ignore Bender! AKA, Superking! AKA, your Supreme Overlord! Bahahaha!

[Now, in time, the rats and pigeons all let out little squawks to follow Bender's menacing laugh. With a flick of his wrist, Bender quickly silences the group.]

Now, if you want to be saved from my dirty minions, just apologize and pledge eternal allegiance to Bender. Then, I might consider saving you. Maybe. That's just how generous I am!

...Apart from Zoidberg. And his precious Hood guy. You two are the worst!

So says I, Superking Bender!

[OOC: All part of the preplanned pigeon plot! Any questions, direct them here.]

boozebot

[Today, Bender is cooking! He switches on the feed while his other hand is busy stirring a bowl of green dough, with a large chef's hat and apron saying: "Makeout Passionately with the Chef".]

Thought I should let you all know how money you chumps made me. $470 plus 15 coupons and a Pollyanna's collector plate! [He holds up the smashed plate. He recalls Zoidberg's tears as if they were yesterday.]

Plus, I'm making free cake. But I'll only give it to people who tell me how great I am. See, that's just how selfless I am! That's me, Bender, the most selfless person ever! Make a note of it!

[He throws in around half a bag of sugar now and continues mixing. It looks so tasty, right??? He reaches to turn off the feed before he remembers something!]

None for Zoidberg though.

[And the video turns off! Any people who compliment Bender enough will get free cake that will most certainly not cause diarrhoea.]

boozebot

Listen up, chumps and chumpettes!

[Bender appears on screen in his apartment. A badly made sign is on the wall behind him.]

Your old pal Bender here has a great deal for you all. Since Valentines Day is coming up, I thought I would use the goodness in my cold, robotic heart to give you all the greatest gift in the world apart from me.

Romance! Love! Passion! Various other nouns! They're all here at my new, state of the art, automatic computer dating system. That's me!

All you need to do is pay me twenty bucks and I match you up with the love of your life in time for Valentines Day. And it looks like you need it, on account your revealing costumes and fruity capes.

In summary: Pay me money or die aloooone! [He wiggles his fingers dramatically!]

[OOC: The actual sign up post will be up soon but feel free to reply in order to question Bender's motives.]

boozebot

[The feed turns on to a robot, sitting back in some alleyway. He swigs a bottle of beer and stares at the device.]

Listen, lady, not that I'm flattered that I've been personally chosen to become your "hero", but I have other priorities. Mostly, trying to score some free booze. And hookers.

[He swills the last section of beer around in the bottle, staring at it with annoyance. He stares back at the camera.]

Hey, lady! Are you even listening to me? I demand at least three gallons of booze, an entire suitcase of 50 dollar bills and three floozies before I rescue people. I'm supposed to be respected here!

[Glaaaare]

Fine, a bottle of vodka, a free voucher for oil changes and a copy of Playbot. But that's my final offer!

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WELCOME TO DREAMWIDTH, HERO...

Entries tagged with † bender rodriguez | superking

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